This movie erroneously boasts that it’s in the style of Love Actually but whether you love or hate Love Actually, there’s no option but the big ole hate button for A Christmas In New York.

It’s about 6 couples who are all staying in the same New York hotel around Christmas. There’s an old couple, a young couple going to prom, an ex-couple excavating some relationship skeletons, a couple fighting about whether to start a family, a couple having an extramarital affair, and a musician who’s on tour and missing his kid – and, I guess, having sex with groupies. Or something.

Anyway, the editing is so atrocious that we coldly flip back and forth between the stories without ever getting invested in any one, let alone all. And it’s not that any of the stories are particularly good or original or interesting anyway.

And the thing is, I love Christmas in New York, you know, the actual holiday in the actual city. I love the lights and the window displays and going to Macy’s and seeing the Rockettes, and the big tree at Rockefeller Center. It’s magical. You know what’s not magical? Stock footage of New York, and a California shooting location. That’s a lot less magical.

This movie does not have a charmingly licentious Bill Nighy, or the unforgettable dance moves of Hugh Grant, or the romantic proposal lost in translation by Colin Firth, or the terrific, heartbreaking acting by Emma Thompson. It has nothing, really, except delusions of grandeur.

If you want a New York Christmas experience, may I suggest hitting yourself in the head with a cast iron skillet while streaming the Macy’s parade on Youtube. It’ll be 1000% more authentic.