Magic Mike XXL

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(You don’t have to watch this video, you should just hit play and let this be the soundtrack for the post)

 

I saw the first Magic Mike accidentally-on purpose and barely lived to tell the tale. I’d never meant to see the movie. Not my thing, and aside from a mild curiosity about Mr. McConaughey’s involvement, I could have lived a happy life never having seen it. But then one (Canadian) Thanksgiving we were drivifirstng home from Boston having just watched the Patriots slaughter the Broncos and stayed the night in a hotel (motel? Holiday Inn?) with very limited options. We ordered a not very good pizza and settled in to watch a not very good movie.

I’m just not titillated by male strippers. I’m not often titillated by the male body, period. I enjoy my husband’s body a great deal and could drink him in all day long, but that’s different. It’s not fetishistic. I have never seen a man who looks good in a thong. Never. And last night in Magic Mike XXL I saw at least a dozen buff men dancing around in them, and nothing. Well, not true. Nothing would be an upgrade. I was turned off. It’s a turn-off. And when the thing that’s meant anigif_enhanced-32388-1423016284-12to be sexy ends up soliciting a laugh instead, you’ve pretty much killed the moment.

And there was A LOT of moment-killing in this movie. Because the truth is, I’m not really excited by male dancers either. I mean, I’m pretty sure that 98% of male dancers are gay, and about 99.9% of male strippers are gay, and somehow this movie assembles America’s only hetero male entertainers into one beefy troupe, sharing chest-waxingly, body oilingly super straight good times. Me? I prefer a man who can’t dance. Can’t, but will. A man who can dance will always arouse my suspicions.

And while we’re at it, I’m not really into the whole hard body phenomenon either. I get that I’m supposed to find it attractive, but I just don’t. That body makes me think this guy is going to take8a87cd389adfbcfd194055961de8b998 me to dinner, order a salad with dressing on the side, and then pick at it while he sniffs at my bleeding steak. And that he’ll spend three hours a day at the gym, leaving me to watch The Mindy Project alone. And that his eyes will seek out his own reflection instead of mine. And what use is a man who isn’t checking me out?

So yeah, Magic Mike isn’t exactly aimed at people like me. I think it’s marketed to housewives but appreciated by a certain 10% of men who shall remain nameless. But they’re definitely doing their best to draw a female audience; certainly the female fans in the movie are more robust than ever, covering a multitude of body shapes and colours and ages (and a sinfully wonderful though underused Andie McDowell), speaking directly to the audience it hopes to tap. And this sequel is a little lesmagicgifs self-conscious than the first. It doesn’t get in on the joke exactly, but it takes itself a little less seriously, or at least that’s how I’ve interpreted the lack of script or plot.

Sorry Channing Tatum and company (the boys who didn’t have speaking parts in the first film but who must step up to fill the holes left by Matthew McConaughey and Alex Pettyfer in the second), but you aren’t exactly known for your improv prowess. But we all know the scenes between dance numbers are just filler, and this isn’t really even trying to be a movie so much as a soft-core musical montage. But every time the music started up, I blushed and averted my eyes. Oh lord, I’d think, again? Yes, again. And again. And again. There’s more self-fondling, shirt-ripping, edible props, self-tanner, and earnest eyebrow plucking than you can shake a stick at. anigif_enhanced-9518-1423015935-4Tatum’s convinced that you think he’s handsome in his backwards cap, and it becomes ubiquitous. There are so many gyrations with penis stand-ins that I couldn’t make eye contact with anyone for hours after leaving the theatre. I’m not a prude, I just have a low tolerance for people embarrassing themselves. I’m not sure if I’ve just seen the gayest straight movie or the straightest gay one, and it doesn’t really matter. This is just not a sausage party I care to be invited to.

 

29 thoughts on “Magic Mike XXL”

  4. mattasshole

    I can’t remember the last time I passed on the chance to see a movie with you and Sean but I just couldn’t think I could do it with Magic Mike. I enjoyed this post a lot more than I would the movie I’m sure.

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  5. theipc

    I’d like to go buy a bazooka at the military supply store and blow the shit out of this movie and I’ve never even seen it or the first one.

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  6. theipc

    P.S. I know we’re both married and I’m not into dudes but I have never understood the appeal of the jeans or pants coming down to basically the top of a dude’s hairless loins.

    Liked by 1 person

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  7. Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister

    I’m glad I’m not the only one who doesn’t see the hype in regards to male dancers. I can appreciate the hard work that goes into keeping their bodies in shape. I’d rather they made me laugh, did a quick jig while explaining, for the one hundredth time, the intellectual joke I didn’t fully understand. Oh! And look a little like Jeff Goldbloom or Craig Ferguson. 🙂

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  9. laura kilty

    I really don’t understand the appeal- in the movie or strippers. I find the stripper thing cringey rather than sexy. Loved your review though and I am pretty certain it is WAY more entertaining than the movie is! “And when the thing that’s meant to be sexy ends up soliciting a laugh instead, you’ve pretty much killed the moment.” Agreed! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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  10. reocochran

    I am not sure why I just had to put in my name, email and wordpress address but here is my 2 cents.
    I am single and 59 years old. Many of my single girl friends think it is fun to see funny movies. We liked Magic Mike. We did not like 50 Shades of Grey. We laughed but we also whooped a bit at the 1st film. I am not saying we pay a lot to see this in a week orvso, because our local old fashioned theater is 150 years old and offers us a Senior deal: $7 for ticket of all first run movies, medium popcorn and drink. You get less picky when the price is so good 🙂 maybe someday I will luck out and find one of the few good guys out there and have someone like you do. Count your blessings 🙂

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  11. seanathant

    This movie was: (a) exactly as bad as Jay said; (b) not as bad as I expected; and (c) in all likelihood a lot better than Terminator 5 (which I have not seen yet because it looks like it is going to ruin T1 and T2 like Episode 1 ruined the original trilogy).

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  12. kmSalvatore

    Omg.. And I thought I was the only one who felt this way. I also saw the 1st one by mistake , one night when I had insomnia ..
    I’ve never been one to think those hard bodies were attractive and I sure is hell do t want some Stargell guy running me with His sweat , I work hard fory dollars , I ain’t putting no money in that thing!! Either 😉
    Thanks for this !!! I try enjoyed your writing g

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  16. Ally B. Jones

    I don’t think I will be watching this one unless there is a moment of pure boredom and desperation. However, I will enjoy the soundtrack cause it bring me back to some good times. The gifs from this movie are downright hilarious and it is my mission to find a situation to use them it. Great review everyone has there preference!

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  18. Kim @ Tranquil Dreams

    Great review! I’m supposed to go to see this with my girl friends but I made it a point that unless its cheapy Tuesdays, I ain’t going. Haha! BTW, Matthew McConnaughey will be the only shoes to fill. I seriously hated Alex Pettyfer’s character in the first one..haha!

    Magic Mike is all about laughing and watching hot guys and all their abs. Granted I’m rather disturbed seeing men in thongs. *shivers* Plus, The story is not a story..lol! At least the first didn’t really have much of anything. But it did make male strip clubs have a false impression because when I went to a bachelorette party at a male strip club, I wanted so bad to get drunk on the watered down amaretto sours I ordered just to get over the cheesiness of watching guys strip to dramatic break-up Celine Dion-esque sort of songs….Not a memory I like to think about…

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