Penis in the Popcorn

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Urban Dictionary defines the ‘Popcorn Trick’ as: If one is at the movies with one’s date, proceed to buy a extra large bucket of popcorn and place it on his lap during the movie. Cut a hole in the bottom of the bucket, and proceed to stick your bare penis in the hole (preferably bonered). When your date reaches in to grab popcorn, she will be delighted. Will she, Urban Dictionary? Will she?

Everyone knows about this “prank”  but has anyone actually encountered it? Perpetrated it? I mean, if the only way a girl is going to touch your penis is to offer savoury snacks and then pull the world’s most disappointing bait and switch, I’m going to go ahead and call this NON-CONSENSUAL. And if that’s the first time your lady meets your penis, I’m popcornbetting it’s also the last. I mean, has this ever resulted in a handjob? Wouldn’t it be easier, less greasy, and more hygienic to simply ask politely? Sure you’ll probably be rejected, but that’s a probable rejection vs a definite rejection, along with third degree burns from movie popcorn “butter.”  And you haven’t wasted $37 on a popcorn combo. You could probably find some derelict alley and purchase a handjob for roughly the cost of an extra large bucket of popcorn at the movie theatre. And a regular handjob will be a heck of a lot quieter. I mean, popcorn bags seem deliberately noisy. What were theatre owners thinking? Every handful of popcorn means a crinkly, wrinkly, rustly noise for the rest of us. But the tell-tale rhythmic rustling of a popcorn handjob is a dead giveaway. Popcorn handjobs are so indiscreet! How can you call more attention to this illicit act? Oh right, make it look like some sort of popcorn monster has grabbed hold of your date and won’t let go…and you’re somehow deliriously happy about it. Plus you’ll get salt down your urethra.

If you can picture any single man pulling this trick, who would it be? Mickey Rourke? Yeah, me too. Possibly because we HAVE seen him do it, in the movie The Diner. Boogie’s movie date reaches into the popcorn box on his lap and is horrified to discover his penis poking through the bottom of the box into the popcorn. To get an authentically shocked response, Rourke hid a dildo in the popcorn, which is a sweet touch. What a thoughtful colleague. But that’s kind of the thing: when would this ever be welcome? “Oh sweetie, your coercing me into accidentally touching your dirty popcorn penis really turned me on and now I realize that waiting until we care about each other is silly and we should just have a hot, buttery tug-n-pull right now.” IS THAT YOUR END GAME, MICKEY ROURKE?

Now, the above definition suggested that an extra large bucket of popcorn be used, but I suspect the truth of the matter is that most guys could do with a small. I mean, if you have to poke your erection through the bottom, then you’ve probably got six inches worth of popcorn for her to get through before she’d even graze the tip. Ideally I suppose you have forgone buying her supper to make sure she’s good and starved during the film. But how do you stay erect until she digs down far enough? Is the anticipation enjoyable? Is the slight friction of the kernels kind of kinky? Or do you eventually just become a flaccid inchworm lining the bottom of the bag, never to be discovered. I’m not sure how you discreetly took out your pocket knife, cut a dick-shaped hole in the bottom without a cascade of popcorn falling out, whacked off til you were hard enough to insert, quietly withstood the burning pain from the too-warm popcorn and the faux-butter that collects at the bottom, and I sure as hell don’t know how you’ll discreetly pull it back out. You’re probably looking at the mother of all paper cuts, with salt readily available for rubbing in the wound.

Now imagine that you’re sitting in a dark theatre with popcorn in your lap. And your dick stuck through a hole in that popcorn. Offer some to your date. You obviously cannot move the popcorn at all, so you have to offer it to her without moving it toward her, which seems like a dick move. Makes it seem like you’re hogging the popcorn, in fact. Not moving it at all, keeping it trained exactly on your crotch is probably…suspicious. And what’s your role in this? Do you eat popcorn out of your own dick bag? I mean, you’re probably pretty motivated to reduce the level of popcorn. But is this getting weird? Masturbatory?

Apparently I’m not the only one wondering about this. A couple of years ago, Playboy published an article featuring Redditors who’d copped to trying it out. The results:

humor-guys-put-penis-into-popcorn

 

Do you have any good stories to add?

43 thoughts on “Penis in the Popcorn”

  1. badblokebob

    This has to be the longest, most considered article I’ve ever seen on this topic. I’m amazed anyone’s ever actually tried it, though considering the world we live in I shouldn’t be. Story #3 amuses me most — “she just ate around it”.

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  2. The Chaos Realm

    My goodness. I think I would excuse myself to the bathroom, then call the cops to report some creepy pervert in the theatre. And pretend not to know him when they showed up. LOL

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    1. Jay Post author

      That’s the thing. I still don’t feel like I understand the move. I mean, what kind of guy really thinks this is going to work out in his favour?

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  4. J.

    Good grief! I love this… it seems like one of these things that someone made up for laughs and everyone has joined in. I can’t believe anyone has tried that. No sir. But lo-and-behond, it seems they have! The Playboy answers are pretty brilliant… #8 has to be the greatest, huh?

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  5. Elisa Ruland

    Ha, sooo funny. Surprised Will Ferrell hasn’t tried that stunt in one of his movies. Reminds me of the Timberlake classic ____ in a Box. (Penis is so much easier for me to write than the d word) Speaking of Will F. He’s my daughter’s commencement speaker at UCSC this May. I can only imagine and absolutely can’t wait.

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    1. Jay Post author

      In a way, I guess it’s a miracle it doesn’t happen every time we go to the movies. If not to us personally….i mean I will be much more suspicious of especially noisy popcorn eaters now.

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  12. Christopher

    After getting all the way through this all I can think is, why, why, why has no one shared the “Honey, this one’s eating my popcorn!” joke?
    Probably because the joke involves a rooster, as opposed to the other kind of cock, so it’s not nearly as dirty as actually sticking one’s penis in popcorn.

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  17. Sarca

    Blech, I’ve heard rumours of this being a “thing” but thought it was a joke like “Dick in a Box”…
    And gross. Even with the peen being shower-fresh clean, I have no desire to maw on buttered jiffy-pop with a dick in it at the movies, thankyouverymuch…

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  25. yearofvulnerability

    Haha! This is hilarious! Such a fun read! You’ve really thought about this and gone to town! No.1 and No.8 made me chuckle out loud! I’m not even surprised it’s a thing. I bet there’s even more absurd things out there! I love how crazy folk are!! I’m not sure how I’d react, I’ve never even had the old fashioned yawn and arm around the shoulder at the cinema?!

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