Addison is a precocious high school student who is only too happy to take time out from grieving his recently deceased mother to lose his virginity to elusive beauty Phoebe and apply to college. But while he’s pursuing these quintessentially teenaged dreams, a friend of his is gunned down in a nearby coffee shop. Kevin is well-liked, a good student, an inquiring mind, but because he’s black the cops seem to dismiss the crime as “gang related” and Addison is crushed that no one is looking for his killer.
If it works at all, November Criminals has two likeable leads in Ansel Elgort and Chloe Grace Moretz; their chemistry makes up for some of the defects in their characters which are ENORMOUS AND UNFORGIVABLE. Ansel Elgort is tasked with playing a thoroughly unlikeable kid, and Grace-Moretz simply gets assigned the not-fully-realized female costar who heals his sadness by touching his penis. It’s not remotely their fault but November Criminals is maybe the most undercooked movie I’ve ever seen – like, on a scale from rare to well-done, it’s a bloody, oozy, thoroughly blue kind of undercooked that’s bound to give you worms. I’ve read the novel upon which it is based and half-remember it, and even that half-memory is more fulsome than the script for this thing, which feels like it’s missing about 75% of its content and 100% of what would make it understandable or good. The film offers up a small slice of the story, with an inadequate beginning and hardly any end, and such an abbreviated middle you’ll wonder if perhaps we’re still in the opening credits. But while the movie needs at least another two hours in order to tell its story, the mere thought of having to sit through a single moment more than its 85 minute run time is upsetting. This film never justifies any reason for its existence and wastes every frame of its film.
Even in a post-hipster culture, teenagers who willfully carry beepers are just knobs. White kids who become vigilantes for their black friend’s death out of sheer boredom are intolerable. This movie serves up so much that is objectionable I could hardly stand to see it all the way to the end. Maybe the teenage angst coupled with a murder mystery was supposed to invoke Veronica Mars but the movie is troubled, voiceless, neutered. Don’t bother.
Ooh er blimey, that’s a hell of a review! On the miss list!
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I think we have a contender for the Worst of 2018 viewing list….thanks for the heads up!
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Great review! This film was unbearable. I hated Elgort’s character so much. If you’re going to be a dumbass and use only 1980s technology, then you don’t get to borrow your girlfriend’s cell phone, ever – you have to find a pay phone or go home to your landline. At least he got roughed up/confused for a drug dealer in one scene for having a pager, but he deserved a lot worse.
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“it’s a bloody, oozy, thoroughly blue kind of undercooked that’s bound to give you worms”–Ha, might be my favorite review line of yours yet!
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Mine, too!
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Great review👍
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Wow: well glad that’s cleared up lol😂😂 This is one is definitely an avoid at all cost movie! Still really enjoyed reading your review for it though!
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OK then, not bothering. 🙂
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Eeek. Tell us what you really think :-O
OK, so a pass on this.
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Oh my! Think I’ll skip this one. It sounds like the actors did the best they could with a horrid script.
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This movie didn’t look good to being with…
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It’s not Bright is it ?
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Great review, honest and made me laugh 😂
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Thanks for saving me the time I might have otherwise spent watching this one!
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