Unleashed

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Did you ever feel so lonely you wished you could legally date your dog?

Did you ever watch an American episode of Shameless and wish there was worse writing, and no pants?

Sean can’t hardly believe that I actually watched this one, but I did. Nor can he believe that I’m about to tell you there’s a worse movie than November Criminals on Netflix right now, yet here I am. Yesterday I skewered a movie based on a book I sort of remember reading. I can’t lawfully, for reasons of libel, tell you the director of November Criminals is illiterate. But what I can suppose is that he’s not much of a reader, so he got an unpaid intern to give him the Coles notes version over avocado toast, and he made a movie based on the parts that he could remember without having taken any notes.

Unleashed, on the other hand, feels like it was pitched by my adorable, precocious 3 year old nephew Jack, who proposed something like “I dunno, maybe it could be about a dog and the dog gets to turn into a human, and then there’s a lady and they kiss and get married and stuff (to which my 4 year old nephew Ben would undoubtedly shout “too many ladies!” – that was his legit criticism of the Smurfs movie). Unleashed in fact has a woman, Emma (Kate Micucci, of that terrible nun movie I complained about a few days ago), who is such a dating disaster she “wishes” her cat and dog to life, and they turn into two “hot” guys. I put “hot” into quotations because they’re played by Justin Chatwin and Steve Howey, a couple of chuckleheads from Shameless, which means they’re the kind of “hot” that you can buy quite cheaply. Chatwin, being “pretty,” is the cat of course, so naturally he takes up modelling and being a bitch. Howie gets to be the big dumb dog. I have absolutely no respect for either of these actors and I still think this stuff is beneath them; their “performances” better suited to kindergarten ice breakers. And while it might be adorable for 3 year old Jack to just magically transform a dog into an eligible bachelor, it doesn’t play as well on screen, where mysterious astrological reasons are alluded to but certainly never addressed, because there’s no Coles notes on the sciences behind that.

A major plot point of Unleashed is how much they miss licking themselves AND YET NEITHER REFRAINS FROM LICKING HIMSELF.

I refuse to dignify this movie with any further discussion. Instead, let’s check out pictures of my real-life dogs and talk about who would play them if they were mysteriously brought to life.

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This is Herbie. He’s the effortless alpha of his crew, reigning with a gruff nonchalance. He’s cool and aloof and everyone’s crazy about him. Of course, he plays hard to get. Hard to impress. But fiercely loyal to his Jay and a secret softie.

 

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Gertie is a cutie. She has a big heart and she’s always taking care of others. She’s nurturing and maternal but can be a fierce disciplinarian when needed. She’s very curious and VERY smart. She can do anything she puts her mind to but her greatest trick of all is manipulating you into doing things for her. She loves attention and isn’t afraid to ask for what she wants.

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This is Fudgie. He may be small but he’s quick and he’s agile and he has an insatiable appetite for catch. He’s 100% lovable and 102% neurotic. His biggest anxiety is that you don’t love him enough, so he’ll lure you in with a cute as heck pose and then steal your heart forever by exposing his belly for you to rub or kissing you up the nose, if you’re lucky!

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Here’s Bronx. Born a runt, he’s visually impaired but that doesn’t stop him from running around like he’s bonkers-bananas. He has sad and soulful eyes but his heart has truly never known a single moment of sadness. He’s pure gladness and love and he’s not afraid to express his feelings with constant displays of affection.

 

Which actors would play these dogs?

28 thoughts on “Unleashed”

  2. Sean

    I’m sorry I missed this one. Sounds like a really inspirational film.

    Herbie would have to be played by Tom Hanks.
    Octavia Spencer would be an excellent Gertie.
    Robert Downey Jr. is just neurotic enough to be Fudgie.
    And Donald Glover should play Bronx.

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  7. joel watches movies

    Sean beat me to the punch with Donald Glover as Bronx! But thinking of his character from Community, he could totally be Fudgie as well. Charlie Day would play the other one of the two. Maybe it’s just the name, but Greta GERwig as Gertie? And Ryan Gosling as Herbie fo sho.

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  9. J.

    Zoiks! There are some really terrible movies out there, huh? Heesh.

    For your flick I see Pitt or Clooney (Herbie), Toni Collette (Gertie), Tom Holland (Fudgie), and Tom Waits or Ron Perlman (Bronx). Winning formula and box office smash, right there.

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  11. Widdershins

    One can only assume the actors either needed the money or were in altered states of consciousness when they signed up for this drivel … your four musketeers, however are all kinds of magnificent! 😀

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  15. Indah Susanti

    Your dogs are totally adorable! I laughed a lot reading your post.. I am not sure I wanted my dog to be a human. If he were, he would be those kind of guys who hate cuddling, cares only to playing the balls and sleeps a lot 😀

    Anyway…now..for your pups, here’s my proposed actors:
    Herbie – Michael Fassbender
    Gertie – Hugh Grant
    Fudgie – Neil Patrick Harris or Kumail Nanjiani (can’t decide 😀 )
    Bronx – Patrick Dempsey

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  17. Carolee Croft

    I was actually hoping this would be a good movie, don’t ask me why. I’ll probably still watch it just to see how bad it is. Are those all your dogs?

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