Stealth

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The other day, Sean rolled his eyes at a bumper sticker on the car in front of us. “9-11 was an inside job” it loudly proclaimed. And I get why Sean’s annoyed, but I love this particular bumper sticker, and many like it. I like when stupid people label themselves. I wish more would think to do it.

Stealth puts Jessica Biel in the middle of its marquee, and like the above bumper sticker, it’s as good as a warning not to take anything about it seriously. Biel is joined by Josh Lucas and Jamie Foxx, and the trio make up a team of fighter pilots running some top-secret missions for the military. The newest project is a fourth wingman, MV5BMTY3ODg0NTQxOV5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTgwNjE4MjMyMDI@._V1_SY1000_CR0,0,1534,1000_AL_named Eddie, who the stealth pilots would roundly reject just for being the fourth wheel on a tight little tricycle, even if he wasn’t purely artificial intelligence. Eddie represents a future in which war won’t cost human lives, but also where human jobs  (not to mention human judgement) will be replaced.

Now, we all know that we have invented robots so that they may kill us. I mean, I don’t believe that’s the outcome we’re hoping for, but it is inevitable. And we all know that super-smart computers quickly outsmart us, and things go horribly wrong. ‘Predicable’ doesn’t begin to describe the direction in which Eddie takes us. He’s the poster boy for everything the U.S. Navy should not do, and yet he’s also kind of the poster boy for delegating script-writing to robots, who surely could not intentionally produce something half as robotic as this.

First of all, I’m mad at any movie that makes me feel bad for Jessica Biel. Come on man, don’t do that to me. I want to be able to luxuriate in classic lines like “Pardon my C-cup” with all the bluster I can muster, then rage-eat Cheetos until my heart gives out and I die with a poof of orange dust.

Speaking of which…when Jessica Biel ends up in North Korea, it’s kind of a big deal. “Enemy lines” and all. Except I suppose now North Korea is less problematic, because for some reason the American President gets along better with dictators and despots than with respected, democratic world leaders who believe in gender equality and wear snazzy socks. But back in 2005, before the world was turned upside down, Jessica Biel was in big, ginormous trouble, and Stealth had no problem turning a badass fighter pilot into a damsel in distress – how else can her love interest go to her so that she can say to him “You came for me” in a needlessly breathless way?

And while I’m halfway on the topic, I suspect that Hollywood has commissioned some secret experiment to learn the exact right way to apply wounds for maximum sex appeal. I mean, the woman fell like 50 000 feet but only suffered a couple of scrapes – one ever so tantalizingly placed across her cheekbone, where the makeup artist might otherwise apply highlighter to better contour the beautiful angles of her face. With men, I believe sexy cut placement is above the eye. I bet there’s a lab in a Hollywood basement, where some poor gal in a white coat is remembering how when she grew up, she wanted to cure cancer.

 

I digress. In fact, this review has been nothing but digressions. But I don’t think you deserve much better when you attempt to cross Top Gun with 2001 and wind up with a hideous monster. Stealth is nothing but nosedive.

16 thoughts on “Stealth”

  2. Wendell Ottley

    That paragraph on scars placed for sex appeal is pure gold. As for the movie, I saw it back when it first hit DVD, but not since. I remember it being loud and dumb but completely hating it.

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  3. tubularsock

    Jay, let Tubularsock clear up Sean’s aversion to that “9/11 Was An Inside Job” bumper sticker:

    “9/11 Was Not An Inside Job

    9/11 Was An Outsourced Job

    The U.S. Always Outsources ALL

    It’s Terrorist Activities!”

    Oh sure, it takes a wrap around bumper sticker to cover all of that so it won’t fit on a Mini!

    Tubularsock loved your “. . . the woman fell like 50 000 feet but only suffered a couple of scrapes . . .” that is what makes Hollywood Hollywood!

    And then people go out and feel bad about themselves when they scrap their arm on the rose bushes and feel inadequate!

    Great review!

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  7. Christopher

    From the sound of it the script was written by a robot. Back in 2005 even a human scriptwriter just phoning it in could have come up with something better than this.
    Let us hope that humans will hold out as long as possible because we need reviews like this one.

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  8. ninvoid99

    Yeah, this was a bad movie. It was just idiotic beyond comprehension as it doesn’t do anything for the characters while Josh Lucas just proves that he will always be a poor man’s Matthew McConaughey.

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  9. Liz A.

    Yes, it makes it easier when the stupid label themselves. That way we know to steer clear of them.

    And, you know, he-who-I-will-not-name aspires to dictatorship. Hopefully, he’s too stupid to achieve it. Hopefully after he’s gone, we’ll be able to repair all the damage he’s done. (I’m feeling like this is going to be harder and harder each day.)

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  11. Widdershins

    Movies that base their premise on this ‘…Eddie represents a future in which war won’t cost human lives,..’ make me want to … well, do a cheeseball ‘splosion too. Do they not get that WAR is about killing humans … (engages whisper mode) but only on the other side, the eveel side.

    Loved your stuff about Hollywood wounds and would add to the list, Hollywood torn clothing. 😀

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  12. Lloyd Marken

    Man I remember when this was made here in Australia and we were supposed to be excited. One producer I think proudly declared that “It would make Top Gun look like On Golden Pond.” perhaps missing the fact that Top Gun was pretty average where as On Golden Pond was a classic. Anyhoo there was an article in a local rag down here that talked about how the filming trashed the local area in the Blue Mountains and brought very little new business because the crew flew in everything they needed. I don’t know how much stock to put in all of this given that the magazine may have had its own agenda but it made me sad. For some reason I’ve never quite gotten around to seeing it but maybe I will now inspired by your post. 🙂

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