Dear Dictator

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Tatiana is your typical punk high school student. Her boots are high, her tights are ripped, her hair unbrushed, gnarled like the barbs she constantly throws at her mother, who is doing her best to lure a man at any cost.

Tatiana (Odeya Rush), as you might imagine, has trouble fitting in at school, and has even more trouble convincing her Christian crush to commit some mortal sins with her. Her only solace is the dictator with whom she exchanges pen pal letters from his beleaguered British-Caribean island nation. His country is undergoing an uprising and they’re pushing the old guy out. So General Anton Vincent (Michael Caine) flees to the one place no one would ever think to look for him: Tatiana’s house.

Is she a little surprised to see him? Yes. Is her mother (Katie Holmes) a little perturbed to find she’s been harboring a fugitive? Sure, though maybe not as much MV5BNjhiOTc1YTctODllNC00ZTEyLWFiN2MtMjM1MGMwYzI4Yjc0XkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyMTgyNDk1OTY@._V1_SY1000_CR0,0,1498,1000_AL_as you’d think. It turns out, having a disgraced General around the house is almost as good as having a man. And when the lawn is cut and the garage door no longer sticks, the complaints are scarce. But teachers at school begin to suspect something is up with Tatiana – and it’s not just the rebellion she foments against the ‘mean girls.’ Although that is probably a bit of a red flag.

Anyway. This movie is innocuous enough if you find the switch in your brain that has taste and standards, and turn it off. It’s too tame to be a satire and not actually funny enough to be considered a comedy, unless you consider the fact that someone convinced Academy Award winner Michael Caine to be in this heap of crap, and to grow a Castro beard and everything. But at this stage in his career, he’s more convincing as Santa Claus than a blood thirsty dictator. He’s not exactly intimidating. The twinkle in his eye keeps giving him away.

Now, there is a fourth character in the film, and I don’t mean Seth Green or Jason Biggs, though both get their name in the credits. I’m talking about Subway. This movie is not subtle about who owns their asses. The chips and candy eaten are generic as hell but the delicious sandwiches they consume CONTINUALLY are branded AF. As in, every time they sit at the table to eat, every logo on every cup and wrapping is pointing prettily, and centrally, at the camera. Not even Katie Holmes having her toes sucked is featured as prominently. So if you’re looking for some teen angst and an ousted fugitive dictator and a pathetic single mother and a dentist with a foot fetish and sandwiches so tasty they could unite them all, dear lord, this movie is made just for you. Colour me floored.

 

14 thoughts on “Dear Dictator”

  4. Liz A.

    Considering how hard it is to get good movies made, perhaps the branding is something we could live with. I mean, in a good movie. Because, I imagine in a good movie, that would be worth it.

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  5. J.

    Haha! Amazing! This sounds so ludicrous that I need to see it. Michael Caine as a British-Caribbean dictator!? With a pen pal!? Whit!? I’m gonna have to look out for it… just cause… I mean, I really need to see this to believe it.

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  7. StephLove

    I vaguely remember hearing a true story (on NPR? a podcast?) about an American girl (younger) being pen pals with Manuel Noriega. Not that he came to live with her, but she did go to visit him. I wonder if that was where the idea came from.

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  9. Lloyd Marken

    Katie Holmes getting her toes sucked? Wait what? 🙂 Maybe I should watch this an extra delicious footlong Italian BLT from Subway on a Italian sub? Or maybe white bread with a seafood six inch is more the theme. Either way what a delicious enjoyable night you can in front of the telly with Subway. Eat fresh!

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