The Package πŸ†

Three buddies are going on a camping trip. Sean (Daniel Doheny) is back home for a brief visit during his semester abroad in Germany, so his two best friends, Jeremy (Eduardo Franco) and Donnie (Luke Spencer Roberts) are anxious to spend some quality time with him out in the woods, drinking whatever booze Jeremy’s fake National Guard ID can buy them. Just one small catch: Jeremy’s twin sister Becky (Geraldine Viswanathan – the breakout star from Blockers) has recently been dumped so now both she and her friend Sarah (Sadie Calvano) will be crashing their boys’ trip.

Simmer down though, because this is all besides the point. The point, as you might begin to glean from the title, is that after a 6-mile hike into the remotest part of the forest, Jeremy accidentally cuts his dick off. His friends save his life, find the penis, and get himgn-gift_guide_variable_c successfully airlifted to a hospital…but the next morning they discover they’ve sent the wrong cooler along with him, and his beef whistle is still on site. Knowing reattachment has only a very small window, they set out on an adventure to get “the package” to their cockless friend, and they’ll meet up with some very turbulent, often very gross times along the way. Though it’s insensitive of them to complain about it since poor Jeremy is sitting in the hospital with a hole in his crotch, mourning the loss of his beloved flesh flute.

Is this a good movie? No it is not. Sean made me watch it and I think his own yogurt gun should sleep with one eye open, for fear of retributive justice. I realize I am not a high school boy, but it turns out my tolerance for snausage humour is uncomfortably low. Limbo low. The limbo bar is so low that you couldn’t get your average-sized pecker under it, that’s for sure.

This movie is trying so hard to make me laugh and failing so miserably I kind of grow to resent it, nay, loathe it while watching. I was tempted to abandon the old trouser snake after the first 10 minutes, because I knew I’d already seen the best and the worst. But you must stay at least long enough to see the main event. Because if you’ve never seen a baloney pony flying through the air, you haven’t lived. So you could wait for your next family event, leave alcohol and knives lying around in abundance, and start up a game of truth or dare and see what happens, fingers crossed. OR, you could put your Netflix subscription to good use for once. The stakes are low, the purple-headed soldier in question isn’t related to you, and if it doesn’t work out, you can sleep snugly with the knowledge that this guy should never have had the ability to procreate anyway. Not that I’m promoting willy amputations as a service to humanity. I’m just saying, maybe sometimes it’s not the worst thing. There would certainly be fewer movies like this, at any rate.

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13 thoughts on “The Package πŸ†

  1. Katrina Morrison

    πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ This movie might be bad; but, your review is not. It is hilarious. 😊Thank you! I needed a solid laugh this morning. Reminds me of the animated Hotdog movie. Guys in my family loved it. I could barely sit through it.

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  2. Christopher

    This is one of those cases where the review is better than the movie. I hope that’s not damning with faint praise–it’s not meant to be. It’s a lot of fun to read a review with almost as many euphemisms as Eric Idle’s “Penis Song”.
    Somehow, though, I think I can live without the image of a flying baloney pony. Something I realized reading about the “accidental circumcision” of the title character in Tristram Shandy is that some things are just better imagined rather than seen.

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  3. Liz A.

    Great review. I wouldn’t even be somewhat tempted to see this. Not at all. I don’t get modern humor, and this… Yeah, hard pass. But the review was totally worth it.

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  4. JP Knopfler

    In September 2015, a Mexican surgeon accidentally cut off the penis of a man who came for a circumcision. The alleged amputation occurred during what was supposed to be a routine operation to remove the patient’s foreskin. Astrologically, the chances of one of your readers being the victim of a similar atrocity are sky-highβ€”but I want him to be prepared, and I don’t want him to overreact. When he tragically loses his real or metaphorical genetalia, I want him to just smile, shrug, say, β€œOh, another alleged amputation,” and move on.

    Liked by 2 people

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  5. Widdershins

    ‘…Three buddies are going on a camping trip…’ Lost me, right there. I did however, read your review because your reviews of atrocious films are the best! πŸ™‚

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