Picture it: Los Angeles, 2018. The city is in its third day of violent riots. The people are demanding access to clean water. The power is flickering, a curfew is in effect, rich people are sending servants to deposit “lootable” goods at the bank. Which means there’s all the more for a bank robber (Sterling K. Brown) with an entrepreneurial spirit to steal. Unfortunately he and his gang of merry men escape with both bullet wounds and an accidental $18M in diamonds that ruthless mob boss Wolf King (Jeff Goldblum) is definitely going to come searching for.
But first things first: with his own brother bleeding in his arms, our intrepid bank robber checks in at the Hotel Artemis, a “dark room”, or a high-security, members-only hospital for the criminal underground. I believe they’ve ripped this idea directly from the John Wick movies, but it’s a good one. There, the doctor, who is called Nurse (Jodie Foster) is guided by a very strict set of rules:
1. While on the premises, no fighting with or killing other patients.
2. No disrespectful words or actions allowed against Hotel Artemis staff.
3. No guns or any type of weapon permitted through the gates.
4. Membership must be paid for, full and in advance.
5. Prior but lapsed members will not be admitted
6. No photography or video allowed.
7. No outside food or drink.
8. Absolutely no visitors.
9. If member is found to have compromised, or led to compromise of location, membership will be revoked.
10. Hotel Artemis rules are final and non-negotiable.
Tonight, with both the police, the rioters, and the Wolf King’s men bearing down on them, the brimming with injured criminals, no-vacancy hospital will come under siege, its only protector a dedicated health care practitioner named Everest (Dave Bautista), and every one of these rules will be broken.
With such a potent premise and an A-list cast, Sean was curious as to why he was only hearing about this now. Usually, there’s only one answer: it’s no good. But actually, it’s not bad. Maybe not good, but it depends what you’re looking for. At times it reminded of Ben Wheatley’s High-Rise with all these people stuck in a building that’s starting to resemble hell. But Hotel Artemis has more modest ambitions, and if you start to get an inkling of an allegory, well, it’ll be dashed soon enough so don’t expend too much brain power on it. Sit back and enjoy the villainous Jeff Goldblum (which is THE BEST Jeff Goldblum, isn’t it?) and the kick-ass Sofia Boutella and Jodie Foster in an actual role, an actual meaty, outside-the-box role (her first since Elysium!). Of course, the downside to a cast like this is that we don’t spend oodles of time with any of them (the movie has a trim 94 minute run-time) but when Bautista calmly unclips his hospital badge from its prominent breast-pocket display and pockets it, oh hell, you know you’re in for some fireworks and it doesn’t matter if we’ve gotten to know all the players because they’re about to become hunks of meat only suitable for stewing.
So maybe it’s disposable. Fuck it. You’re not watching for the depth of the satire, are you? No, you’re watching it because someone’s about to get PAPER-JAMMED TO DEATH (wait for it) and goddamn if you can’t look away from that.
ASSHOLES WATCHING MOVIES 
Haha great review, and yes they certainly have ripped of John Wick, but that’s a good enough reason for me to watch it!
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Definitely have to say this does sound a lot like it has some similarities with John Wick, but as Fraggle said: that only makes it more of a reason to watch it😉 Interesting to see that Dave Bautista is really appearing in quite a number of films these days😉😊
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I didn’t make it through either of the John Wicks, was bored outta my fukn skull and fell asleep during both flicks. But nevertheless looking forward to Hotel Artemis. Because Let’s Fuck It!
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So, you’d recommend it overall?
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As an action movie, sure.
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This sounds like one I might like. A great cast, and you can’t beat the action (a gift to my husband). The only eye-popper for me was: Wolf King? What’s up with that name? Really? 😀 Thanks for the review and recommendation!
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I might be in the minority, but I loved it. A perfect popcorn movie.
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This was a blink and you miss it. I do remember seeing that it was out, but I think it lasted a week? Maybe?
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Well then you did better than I did!
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Yeah, leave brain outside door. Sit back and enjoy. Stealing the idea from John Wick’s strict criminal hotel [which I can’t believe at least one person above hated!] 🙂 was promising and COULD have been great, but it was only sort of (mostly) good. But Jodie’s definitely out of her comfort zone, very believable, Bautista’s great, as usual (turning out to be quite the natural actor) and yes, Goldblum as a casually brutal, soft-spoken villain was wonderful–and not enough of him. Like D.W.P. asks above: what’s with the name Wolf King?! Yeah, with a name like that, you think there’d be a much bigger role!!
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I saw this recently. It needed a bit more backstory and longer action scenes.
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Can’t say I heard of this one either, but aye… sounds like a good way to spend 90-odd minutes on a Friday or Saturday night.
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PAPER-JAMMED TO DEATH! YES! (My kind of flick! ROFL!–I’m only sophisticated when it comes to reading. 🙂 )
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The cheetah put this on his “you have to get this” list so I’ll be looking forward to seeing it.
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