Christmas Break-In

Izzy’s parents forget to pick her up from school on the last day before Christmas break. A freak blizzard stuns the town and she gets snowed in, totally alone. At first it’s great, all skateboarding down stairs and impromptu rock concerts and eating vats of chocolate pudding. But then she’s less alone: Ray (Danny Glover), the school’s janitor/Izzy’s friend and guitar teacher, returns to keep her company but is simultaneously apprehended by the fugitive burglers who’d just decided to use the school as their pesonal bunker. So if you thought this sounded like a Home Alone rip-off before, Izzy’s about to go full Kevin McAllister on their asses.

Can a 9 year old girl take on a trio of grown-up criminals? When the criminals are the “ice cream truck bandits” yes, she sure can. And probably win too. Oh they talk pretty big, but it’s clear they’re a bunch of dunces. And they hired a bunch of dunces to portray them. Actual observable acting from the movie: one robber talks murder while menacingly biting a cookie toward his intended victim. You can’t make this up.

I don’t know how Danny Glover got mixed up in all of this, but I’m less surprised about Denise Richards, who clearly needs both the money and the attention. And when the screenwriter goes by the name “Spanky,” you can kind of guess how her name came up. The grown-ups are 10 000% the problem with this movie, though I’m not just talking actors. I would personally like to shake my head disappointedly at each and every person responsible for this shit excuse for a movie.

Anyway, this is a very weak photocopy of a nearly 30 (!) year old movie. How is this movie less edgy and less relevant than something that came out in 1990? The good news is, you can go ahead and watch Home Alone 10 times this holiday season, and watch Christmas Break-In 0 times in your entire life. Zero times! That is my gift to you. Ho ho ho.

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