Let me get this off my chest right at the top: this movie stars the same woman I accused of being inappropriate for Hallmark girl next door roles in Magical Christmas Ornaments. I still don’t like her, but they seem to have toned down her pornographic look. But aside from a brief stint on the revived 90210, her career seems to consist solely of made for TV Christmas roles, and a short called Silicone in Stereo.

Anyhoo, the leading lady’s plastic parts are the least of our worries when Hallmark is taking a stab at Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice. And yes, I did have to shower after writing that.

Anyway, Ms. Fun Bags plays Elizabeth Bennett, a New York event planner who has to organize a holiday event in a small town. The only suitable venue is Pemberley Manor, owned by and soon to be sold by the persnickety billionaire, William Darcy. Elizabeth employs the full force of her charms to land the manor anyhow, and though they had a rude first encounter, their work together has them falling for each other!

For my money, the guy who plays George (Cole Gleason) is MUCH hotter, so you know that no one at Hallmark was literate enough to get a good read on even the Cole’s notes of Pride and Prejudice. Of course, I would never want hipster George hooking up with bawdy Elizabeth, so I guess I can’t complain too heartily. Now I know that readers of Assholes Watching Movies are, on average, about a kabillion times more astute than what passes for programming executives over at Hallmark, so if you’re at all familiar with Austen’s work, then you know some serious bumps and misunderstandings are coming the way of Miss Bennett and her beau Darcy. Why, the small-town holiday festival itself is at stake!

Michael Rady (Darcy) is no slouch, but he’s acting like he’s in a much better movie. Act for the job you want? Hallmark is pretty loyal to its actors, and I guess it’s a nice steady paycheque, so who am I to judge? Oh, right, an Asshole. It’s kind of my thing. Bitch for the job you want! And not since the shoe addict’s tribute to Charles Dickens have I been so insulted. And maybe I was wrong about George vs. Darcy. They’re both very cute. And they both deserve better than a Bennett. And you know what? So do you!