The truth is, most masturbation in movies isn’t sexy at all. Awkward for sure. Embarrassing at times. Shameful. Painful. Or just downright scary. And that’s why I’ve decided to celebrate them with this post!
The Squid and The Whale – Owen Kline plays the younger of two kids belonging to Jeff Daniels and Laura Linney, who go through a rather stuffy and bitter divorce. Owen finds lots of ways to cope, but none creepier than when
he uses a crinkled piece of porn to rub himself off against a book case in his school library, defiling some nearby books with his teenaged cum. You can’t help but see the symbolism as his parents are both bookish (a professor and a writer), a rejection of them and an assertion of himself. Oh Noah Baumach, there are some things we just can’t unsee you know.
American Beauty – There are many great components to this movie, and we’ve talked many of them to death, but I think that until now 
we’ve avoided the most telling and depressing scene of the movie. Our introduction to Kevin Spacey is when he’s alone in the shower, jerking himself off rather sadly and routinely, though describing these few moments as “the high point” of his day. Later we catch him masturbating yet again, fantasizing about his daughter’s teenage girlfriend, and unashamedly waking his wife in the process. They fight, of course, and the act feels really hostile, contemptuous of her, but at least he’s not hiding in the shower anymore. Spacey says “It’s a great thing when you realize you still have the ability to surprise yourself.”
Bad Lieutenant – There are many reasons why I’ll never really recover from watching this movie, but Harvey Keitel’s masturbation scene is still ranked really high on that list. A corrupt cop pulls over two teenage girls who are using their father’s car without his permission. Keitel forces one of the girls to strip while the other must simulate fellation while he masturbates. There is nothing arousing or hot about this scene. He’s not getting off on the girls, he’s getting off on his power. It’s repulsive, and on some level, even he knows it.
Little Children – In a nice side story to the prominent Kate Winslet one, a pedophile’s just been 
released from prison and his mama thinks he can turn his life around if only he could just meet the right woman. Cue the blind date, which seems to be going surprisingly well until he wordlessly pulls the car over at the end of the night, and starts masturbating while she’s trapped in the front seat with him…and they just happen to be parked right outside a playground. No word yet on date number two.
So what’s your favourite movie masturbation?
ASSHOLES WATCHING MOVIES 
From HBO’s Tell Me You Love Me. One couple is not having sex. The woman pleasures herself- lots of vulnerability and longing in that scene.
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They seem to fall into two categories: hilarious or desperate looking. Or hilarious AND desperate looking. Naomi Watts in Mulholland Drive and Michael Fassbender in Shame – desperate and not at all funny.
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Yeah, it takes a while to shake off that Naomi Watts one! Matt and I were just discussing Shame (again) the other day. He’d warned me how difficult it was for him to watch (“joyless”, I think he called it) and yet I didn’t seem to have any problem with it.
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Just NO – that Bad Leuitenant scene still makes me sick thinking about it. Australian movie Head On has an epic opening masturbation scene and Hayden Christiansen masturbating choking sniffing tins scene was odd but fun haha
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Oh my god, you see, there could be so much more on this list if only you were constantly here to be my memory since I have tragically misplaced mine.
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The Squid and the Whale scene takes the cake. I agree, there are some things you just can’t unsee and this one rests at the very top, Bad Leutinent might prove me wrong, though.
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Such an awful list!
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My favorite similar subject matter scenes would be funny ones like American Pie or when Something about Mary’s character played by Cameron Diaz goes to door with hair sticking up and it is because she thought it was hair gel.
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There’s nothing good about Keitel beating off. My favorite jerk off scene would actually come from a book called Mailman where the lead is a kid who jerks of for the first time ever in the bathtub and his mom comes in. He dives under the water to hide his boney and swallows some of his own jizz and never beats off again.
From the moving pictures, in an episode of Weeds, Kevin Nealon appears to be hanging himself out of grief. Turns out he’s yanking it and as the episode closes he says “epic….”
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Ha – I remember that! Love Nealon.
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#epic
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Well, here I sit. Stunned. This happens in movies? 😉
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God help us, it does!
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I second that emotion.
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Hee hee
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The first thing I thought of was the classic scene from Fast Times at Ridgemont High where Judge Reinhold jerks it in the bathroom while fantasizing about Phoebe Cates exiting the pool. Most iconic masturbation scene, ever.
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And then is walked in on!
Yup, all these scenes are either hilarious, awful, or both.
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Such a great post. I immediately thought of Happiness directed by Todd Solondz, it has the most horrendously awkward yet hilarious masturbation scene at the very end. I watched it with a big group of people and half of us wanted to vom. Great film though!
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The ones that immediately comes to my mind are Hedwig jerking off Michael Pitt in his bathtub from Hedwig & The Angry Inch, thus beginning their brief but passionate romance, and in another John Cameron Mitchell film, Shortbus, Paul Dawson lies on his back, bends his hips over his head, and fellates himself.
I guess the latter doesn’t technically count as a masturbation scene–just self-pleasuring, but it’s not exactly a pleasurable moment for him. It’s more bittersweet.
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No American Pie web cam masturbation scene? lol
The American Beauty one always sticks with me for the line. “This is the best part of my day. It’s all down hill from here.”
I’m glad I’ve never seen Bad Lieutenant, because ew.
The Squid and the Whale scene was so fucked up. It sort of reminds me of the end scene in Happiness now, which is equally as disturbing.
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Shirley MacLaine masturbating while an oblivious Peter Sellers watches TV in Being There. He said he liked to watch, but what he meant was “watch TV.”
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I know! Shirley MacLaine!
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OH
MY
GOD!
This post is amazing…and I second that MacLaine scene from Being There. Like…so uncomfortable.
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Damn, these are depressing. The one in “Volver” is also pretty awful.
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Good thinking on that one!
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That pedophile subplot from “Little Children” is still fucking haunting me like five days after I watched the movie. The really weird thing is, in some twisted way I feel for Jackie Earle Haley’s character, but at the same time I have a twelve-year-old sister and… ugh. Don’t get me started. That blind date scene was… scarring. Way worse than the little jerk-off kid (pun totally intended) in “The Squid and the Whale.”
I’m really surprised you didn’t add “There’s Something About Mary.” That scene is Legend- wait for it… Dary! You’ll never look at hair gel the same way again.
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If you want a joyful scene…..I recommend Joan Allen in “Pleasantville”….maybe the most sweetest scene like this.
As for uncomfortable…..Kate Walsh in “Just Before I Go” was pretty damn sad…..
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