Transformers: The Last Knight

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I wrote a whole other review of this horrible, awful, infuriating movie and then accidentally deleted it.  Honestly, my review was unremarkable for the most part so it’s not a huge loss.  This movie makes no sense, it’s the fifth movie in a tired franchise that was only ever enjoyable if you, like me, liked seeing robots decapitate other robots in slow motion (and which stopped being awesome four movies ago), and it’s got Mark Wahlberg doing his usual “acting” by which I mean that he talks really fast in a whiny voice when he is under pressure and otherwise just stands around flexing his biceps and looking confused.  In short, it is the why-critics-say-transformers-the-last-knight-is-2017s-most-toxic-movie (1)worst Transformers movie yet, and the next one will probably be even worse.

But there was one part of my review worth saving, and it’s this: Mark Wahlberg was clearly born to be in Michael Bay movies.  It is the perfect match of all perfect matches.  These two eventually found each other, but there are so many Wahlberg-less Michael Bay movies, and isn’t that a shame?

So…what if Michael Bay made special editions of his back catalogue, George Lucas style, and digitally inserted Wahlberg into all his “classics” as a way to link all his movies together?

Think about it!  It would be the greatest shared universe of all time.  We could have Bad Boys fighting bad robots under the supervision of Wahlberg and his good friend Joe Pantoliano, the space shuttle in Armageddon could be a robot who owes a favour to Wahlberg and who figures out a way to save Bruce Willis as payback, and Wahlberg could help bring Sean Connery and his estranged daughter Claire Forlani together while at the same time helping Nicholas Cage foil Ed Harris’ plot to steal that face-meltingly-deadly VX gas, this time without losing Michael Biehn’s whole SEAL team.  And then Wahlberg could assemble a team of one million Ewan MacGregor clones along with the time travelling pilot duo of Ben Affleck and Josh Hartnett to destroy the Transformers once and for all, saving us all from ever having to see Transformers 6: Shia’s Revenge.

This needs to happen.

 

17 thoughts on “Transformers: The Last Knight”

  1. Simonette

    I wanted to go watch it when it was in the cinema’s… mostly because I had nothing else to do. But now I’m glad I didn’t waste my money. Thanks for another great reveiw 🙂

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  3. Isey

    I may get lynched, but I actually enjoyed the first Transformers movie in that “stupid blockbuster” way with my kid who loved transformers. I mean, sure, it went all downhill from there but at least you found a saving grace possibility. =P

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  5. J.

    I liked the first one and, while I stuck around for the others, it was very much a case of diminishing returns… still I was surprised by how bad it got when I finally saw the 4th one last year (over the space of 4 viewings). Good grief. This one looks dreadful… but I’ll likely catch it when it appears on Netflix, cause, well, robots.

    But I was seeing there’s gonna be a Bumblebee movie and another few of these? Lordy.

    Also, I kinda like Marky Mark, but it’s clear he’s a man who’s saving for a rainy day.

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  6. raistlin0903

    Ugh, Transformers is part of my childhood, and I loved the original cartoon, and honestly some of the Bay movies. But I totally agree with you, this movie was simply put not very good. It completely destroyed the franchise, and it made no sense whatsoever. The humor was completely cringeworthy, and one has to wonder why a respectabele actor such as Anthony Hopkins appears in a movie such as this. As for the next installment, it will be a spinoff movie about Bumblebee, that is actually not being directed by Bay. It will be interesting to see what a different director is going to do with this. It can’t get much worse I guess (knock on wood, lol 😂).

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  13. Mr. Bobinsky

    Haha that was really funny! “It’s a sad and beautiful world”, Sean.

    The first movie was O.K. watchable, and Island was pretty good for a Michael Bay movie. Armageddon was a mess, but a charming mess, and it had an incredible cast and cool effects.

    As for Wahlberg… I must confess I’ve never understood how guys like him become worldwide famous actors. In a right role he can be cool, but c’mon, he doesn’t have such a big charisma and is always playing the same role.

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  17. jaggerczajka

    I think you need to get an agent and sell this idea to Paramount. You’ll get the biggest screenwriting deal Hollywood has ever seen.

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