The Hitman’s Bodyguard

The following paragraphs will make you think I haven’t seen The Hitman’s Bodyguard; let me assure you, I have. But I will struggle to summarize its plot. Or even locate the plot from between all the gratuitous explosions. I think it goes like this: Ryan Reynolds was once the caviar of bodyguards, but he let some VIP get shot in the brains, and now he’s been downgraded to the spam of bodyguards, which is really, really embarrassing and he’d do just about anything to be caviar again.

Meanwhile: Samuel L. Jackson is a hitman who is safely in prison. BUT he’d also be an excellent witness in an international court of law against a crazed, genocidal Hitmans-Bodyguard-The-5-NewsBelorussian dictator (Gary Oldman). So he cuts a deal: if they let out his wife (Selma Hayek), he’ll give testimony. The only catch is that every other witness has been systematically murdered. Sam Jackson nearly is as well, but one of Ryan Reynolds’ disgruntled CIA exes calls him in at the last minute to try to get Jackson to the Hague in one piece.

I suspect that this movie is bad because it never slows down long enough for you to ask yourself whether you’re enjoying things. The thing feels like it’s been edited by a two year old high on 5 juice boxes. It relies HEAVILY on the odd couple banter between Ryan and Sam, but if this is a Deadpool wannabe, it should wannabe harder. I feel like I just ran an obstacle course and I’m just so grateful to have crossed the finish line I cannot recall a single event along the way. Bleeding eardrums, I think. Some tulips? A car that smells like ass. The Hitman’s Bodyguard may not be an actual movie but just a compilation video of Reynolds’ and Jackson’s greatest hits. Lots of motherfuckers. Lots of explodey explosions. I refuse to overthink this one.

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17 thoughts on “The Hitman’s Bodyguard

  1. shalini

    What a beautiful review Jay, written in your laid back sardonic humour. I love your writing, another movie I will miss if I ever get around to seeing movies in the near future.
    You write so well… Amazing

    Liked by 2 people

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  2. Jason

    Good review. While Jackson and Reynolds were good in it (sharing good chemistry with each other), the film itself was so bland and generic. I wasn’t really expecting much from this movie, but it was disappointing nonetheless.

    Liked by 1 person

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  3. raistlin0903

    I passed this one in the cinema thinking it looked way too bland and generic. After reading this I’m pretty much glad that I did. Probably catch this one on dvd at some point, but not in a real big hurry to do so. Great review though 😊

    Liked by 1 person

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  4. J.

    I’ll be honest, I saw Jackson’s name and figured I should wait till someone else sees this before I do. I get the feeling he agrees to flicks too easily… perhaps based on the title, summary, or whether he’s just had 5 juice boxes.

    Liked by 1 person

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  5. Widdershins

    I don’t think it’s possible to even underthink this one, but as you say it was a rainy afternoon’s worth of Greatest Hits … and it served to keep Ryan’s cojones in Deadpool-ish mode inbetween Deadpooling.

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