So this white bitch named Joy has been working nonstop but when she gets a call that her aunt fell and broke her ankle, she rushes to Crystal Falls “the closest thing to a home that I have.” Within steps of entering the hospital, Joy gets adorably tangled up in Christmas lights belonging to Ben, the hospital administrator and a former high school flame.  But just in case that wasn’t cutesie and adorkable enough for you, she’ll make her mark twice, also rear-ending him in the parking lot.

But oooooh, no, she’s not going to make this easy on us. Taking over for her aunt on the cookie crawl, an acknowledged “two-person job,” Joy is refusing Ben’s help. She’s an independent woman, you know, used to doing the work of two people. Meanwhile, Ben’s got a chip on his shoulder about “city women” thanks to a certain “you know who” in his past. Will they or won’t they??? I mean, they will. They always do. People in Hallmark movies don’t have any real agency, they’re just following the motions of a tried and true formula that insults the hell out of me as a cinephile and as a human being. Hallmark gives another meaning to “white Christmas” as in: its movies are racially uniform, racially uninspired, racially racist. I mean, no one says anything bad about people of colour, but probably only because there are none. Hallmark has a pretty fucked up idea about who celebrates Christmas, and who falls in love. I think they will find that that actually falls across a lot more demographics than they think. Perhaps it’s only white women who are foolish enough to buy into this crap. Wait, are Hallmark Christmas movies targeted at Trump-voting women? Ew.

Anyway, Joy is of course immediately overwhelmed, but gets roped into judging a ginger bread contest too. Turns out, Ben with the widow’s peak is also a mamma’s boy who plans to make with the ginger with his mommy.

In the end, the story doesn’t matter much. The stories and characters are just barely interchangeable. The details are always the same. I say, fuck Christmas Joy. Just once I’d like Hallmark to Christmas Surprise me.