Geostorm takes incoherence to a whole new level, one I never thought possible. A guy dies on a space station for reasons that are entirely unclear and it seemed to me I had missed something. I rewound because I thought I missed an important detail, but I didn’t. It is just an unexplained and unexpected event almost 20 minutes into a 109 minute movie. The music cues told me this event was very mysterious, and eventually it ends up being a super important plot point because it brings Gerard Butler into the mix (because he designed the space station in question). Come to think of it, Butler as a space station designer is one of the most believable aspects of this film. That’s Geostorm in a nutshell.
Geostorm is a shameless ripoff of Armageddon, right down to tragedies in Asia and hail the size of basketballs, and Butler is asked to be both Ben Affleck and Bruce Willis. He is not up to the task to even being William Fichter (the guy with the gun in space). But rest assured, there is tons of drama to come, and it is set to the most over-dramatic and generic music imaginable. And the drama keeps on building as the scientists theorize that a Geostorm is on the way, and it turns out that Butler and his brother have quite a complex relationship, and a secret code, and lots of sciency gibberish to share with each other. At least I think these things were an attempt to add depth to these characters, but it all comes off as total garbage, and a pale imitation of other disaster movies that weren’t all that great in the first place. The worst part is, there’s not even a Geostorm for, like, ever, as we are forced to wait and wait for the disaster to actually occur while the scientists overhype it (by a lot).
I am quick to make fun of Michael Bay, because he makes lots of big, dumb movies that make little to no sense. Well, Geostorm made me feel kind of bad about having done that, repeatedly. Mr. Bay, I am truly sorry for ever calling you a talentless hack because Geostorm makes Armageddon look like 2001: A Space Odyssey. In short, as a film, Geostorm is a disaster on a global scale. Fortunately, this is one disaster you can avoid all by yourself, without needing to prove that climate change is real.
Haha…oh man…this was too funny. Especially the apology to Michael Bay. Yeah I had pretty much guessed this film would be a total disaster. Gerard Butler definitely has to make some better career choices.
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Or another option would be for Hollywood to stop casting Butler and, even better, stop making Michael Bay movies look good by comparison.
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Lol…that could be a good solution too 😂😂
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Haha from me too, I do love it when you don’t like a movie 😀
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Then you will be glad to hear I just reviewed the Cloverfield Paradox!
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You tagged it “Suck Ass” and “Stinker movie”😂
Poor Butler, why can’t he find a great project? I like his characters but his movies seem to fail him.😟
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I just watched this movie and it’s terrible, I couldn’t finish it! Gerard Butler isn’t even trying here, it’s so obvious he just wants the 5 million dollar paycheck.
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And I would have done it for only $4 million if they’d just asked nicely.
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I’m sure Geostorm is pretty fucking bad as anything with GERARD BUTTWAD! is shit. Plus, I wouldn’t apologize to Michael Bay for being a hack. He’s still a cunt.
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All good points. But still, stuff like Geostorm shows me it may not be as easy to make a movie as Bay has made it seem.
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This looks like a rare treat. I tend to like Gerard, cause he has this great accent thing going on in every movie I’ve seen him in. Surely that’s enough to save this? No?
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He’s doing an American accent. So is Jim Sturgess. It’s weird.
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Yas! I think I might need to see this now! Help!
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You’re incorrigible!
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Oh, oh, this sounds so bad that I want to watch to see it just to hate on it!
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There is definitely plenty of opportunity to hate on Geostorm. PLENTY.
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You would think for a movie that steals most of its plot from Armageddon that they could have taken some pointers from Bay on how to blow crap up real good.
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You would indeed, especially when the trailers suggested this was going to be a sequence of natural disasters. Not so.
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Gerard Butler… *shakes head* What happened? Phantom of the Opera was great. And then…
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I wanted to see this on the big screen at the theater. I guess I might have been disappointed, Better to watch it on Xfinity…
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Yes, I don’t think you missed anything. This isn’t even really a special effects showcase! It really missed every possible mark.
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You’re so clever, especially with the apology to Michael Bay 😉
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This is movie is so terrible on every level I couldn’t help but love it. It had me in stitches. And so did this review. Great job.
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This movie definitely falls into my “so bad it’s good” category. I went in fully expecting the film to be a train wreck and it lived up to that expectation, so I loved every minute. Total hilarity.
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Best smackdown review I’ve read in quite some time (if ever!). Armageddon looks like 2001! Wow
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