Red Sparrow

I read the book and didn’t really like it, and in true adaptation fashion, the movie sucks the book’s balls.

What you need to know: Russia is selecting beautiful women and turning them into spies who fuck. Like, they literally get secrets by giving blow jobs. And there might be something to that. Jennifer Lawrence plays a ballerina who can’t dance anymore, so her uncle sells her into this program, and she becomes a Red Sparrow, the spy who shags everyone. In this particular case, she’s going to shag Joel Edgerton because he’s an American spy who’s hiding a Russian mole but maybe he’ll turn intoMV5BNWRjN2E5NWYtNzNjNy00ZmI3LTgzOGEtMzBlZDdjMjkxZjI4XkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyNzk5NjEzOA@@._V1_SY1000_CR0,0,1498,1000_AL_ a source himself or maybe he’ll turn her into a double agent, or better yet, a triple agent, or a quadruple agent, or just a woman who’s about to be assassinated by her own government, but not without blowing her way across the country first.

Does it sound sloppy? It is.

And the casting is confusing. I mean, first of all, Jennifer Lawrence couldn’t sell me a bottle of wine if I’d just found out Sean was my half-brother. Girl cannot carry a Russian accent. And in a movie where sex is everything, the sex was nothing. I mean, there was an abundance of sex scenes, and J-Law got straight down to bare hooch, but she and Joel have about as much chemistry as a couple of bologna sandwiches about to get in my grandpa’s belly. And then: the Russian characters are played by American, British, Belgian, Dutch, German, Ukrainian and Polish actors. The American guy is played by an Australian. This flaccid casting doesn’t exactly prop up a convoluted plot.

Like any good spy movie, the end is supposed to come as a surprise, but with such weak characterization, it’s hard to invest, and Red Sparrow attempts to write cheques it can’t cash. But for me the worst crime, you know, aside from the treason and murder and such, is the fake female empowerment. Just because she’s not getting paid doesn’t mean she’s not a prostitute.

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31 thoughts on “Red Sparrow

  1. Christopher

    Studio executive: Now, in this script, should we have a scene where at least one of the professional male spies asks himself why he’s getting all these blow jobs?
    [Twenty minutes of uninterrupted laughter.]
    Studio executive: Just making sure everyone’s paying attention.

    Liked by 3 people

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  2. robbinsrealm

    I don’t think I’ve read one positive review of this film. I knew Lawrence was the lead, and I heard her acting wasn’t good in this film, but I had no idea until your review that there wasn’t one Russian actor in a film that should have been populated by them, at least the secondary characters, if no one else.

    Liked by 1 person

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  3. bookbeachbunny

    Nailed it! And on top of that it felt like the movie would never bloody end. It was forty minutes to long easily. I have to admit though I’ve heard such bad things about the book it almost makes me want to read it πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

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  4. Liz A.

    Thanks for this. I saw the title somewhere, but nowhere did I see what this thing was about. It doesn’t sound very interesting. Sorry you got stuck sitting through it.

    Liked by 1 person

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  5. J.

    Oh dear. I can’t say I’m surprised by this review; I thought this looked awful. A jolly entertaining review, though… so at least it’s given us that!

    Liked by 1 person

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  6. Jason

    This movie was soooooo boring. Good premise and good cast, but it lacked characterization and just simply not enough “oomph” to the story.

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  7. mydangblog

    I agree. I actually referenced this piece of dreck in my post about 50 Shades of Eww. Imagine how I felt, watching it with my teenaged son and his girlfirend. Definitely cringe-y!

    Like

    Reply
  8. Karl

    I read the book, and I think Joel Edgerton is too old and bored looking to be Nate Nash. Also, I concur with J-Law fake Russian accent. It was like she’s in an SNL gag.

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    Reply
    1. Jay Post author

      Yeah, it was weird casting all around. It’s like they didn’t really want to make a good movie, which is a weird way to make a movie.

      Like

      Reply

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