One dark and snowy night, a strange man shows up on Sammy’s doorstep, demanding to be let in. As only a clueless, entitled white man who’s never been raped can do, he treats her like she’s the criminal when she is understandably reluctant. But he “come on, lady”s her until she gives in. So we’re about 5 minutes into the film and I already hate them both and am feeling completely unforgiving toward this film. Oh, you think you’re going to warm my heart now? Instill some Christmas cheer? Fat chance.

Anyway, Seth Walker (Chad Michael Collins) believes he owns half of Sammy’s (Peyton McDavitt) cabin. Her great grandmother and his great uncle had a ‘fling’ (during which they co-signed on a vacation property?) and how he wants to be bought out. Instead of tossing him out on his rear, she draws a line down the middle of the cabin with twinkly Christmas lights and share the space while weathering a storm that any self-respecting Canadian would describe as “a mild and pleasant night.” Now they’re co-existing in a cabin where I know I FREAKING KNOW they’re going to fall in love and I’m shooting serious rage daggers at the very thought. Sweetheart, I understand your Tinder options are slim pickins up in your isolated little cabin, but you don’t have to settle for the first Yeti who crosses your path. You could live happily ever after with a sturdy vibrator, unlimited batteries, and a pantry well-stocked with cocoa. But instead she’s semi-consensually co-habitating with a complete stranger whom she KNOWS has intentions of stealing her property and him claiming squatter’s rights is literally the best case scenario in what is otherwise and rape-and-kill scenario that literally everyone else seems coming from a mile away. Ugh.

One viewer commented: “Finally, a Christmas movie with a heroine wearing SHORT hair! Such a refreshing change from all those long hair ending in ringlets.” Which, even allowing for the generous use of the word ‘heroine’ is a very low bar with which to review movies. And yet this is the nicest thing anyone’s ever said about this film.