Yoga Hosers

If you thought the nepotism in Donald Trump’s White House was bad, you haven’t seen Yoga Hosers. Kevin Smith’s daughter met Johnny Depp’s daughter in Hollywood Schoolhouse kindergarten, and now we’re all paying for it.

They play “the Colleens” in Yoga Hosers, two Winnipeg high school sophomores obsessed with Instagram and yoga. After school they work at the “Eh to Zed”, a convenience store they often close to hold band practice with their 35 year old drummer Ichabod (Adam Brody), hanging a sign on the door telling customers “Urinary tract infection – back in 10.”

yoga-hosers-johnny-deppThe two Colleens, reprising roles from Tusk, the first film in Smith’s True North trilogy, played by Harley Quinn Smith and Lily-Rose Depp (their real names, honest to god, as only celebrity parents could name them), are pursued by a couple of cool high school seniors…who turn out to be serial-killing satanists. So we don’t feel too bad when little killer wieners go up their bums and kill them first.

Okay, yes, that sentence was confusing. Everything about this review is confusing FAQQSFbbecause the movie makes NO sense. I’m doing my best. So the wieners are called Bratzis because they’re foot-tall Nazis dressed as Mounties (Canada’s Royal Mounted (on horses) Police) made from bratwurst stuffed with sauerkraut. They’re tiny little people-sausages, motion captured by Smith himself because everyone else had the good sense to refuse. It’s the reason we all saw Kevin Smith’s naked face for the first time in…ever?

 

Anyway. Both of Lily-Rose’s parents appear in the film. Both of Harley Quinn’s parents appear in the film. Some of their siblings as well. Plus some Kevin Smith mainstays like Jason Mewes and Justin Long who literally have nothing better to do. The film is improved by none of these things.

Apparently some Hitler-sympathizer cryo-froze himself 70 years ago and has been asleep underneath the Eh To Zed all this time until accidentally awoken by the Colleens, and now the little Bratzis are on the loose and killing everyone, even though they’re supposed to be targeting only art critics, who hurt this guy’s feelings over half a decade ago. Or something like that.

Yoga Hosers, as you may have guessed, is terrible. I mean: it’s bad even for Kevin Smith, post-2000. He may be trying to revive some Clerks nostalgia, but he’s failing. This is pretty much unwatchable. And, because I must: as a Canadian, this is just annoying. Not a single Canadian I have ever met across this vast country of ours talks like that. The only people I have ever heard say “aboot” are Americans pretending to be Canadian. I can’t even imagine where that stereotype comes from but it’s time to retire it. And while Lily-Rose Depp and her mother Vanessa Paradis speak flawless French, it’s the wrong freaking French! It would be like an Australian passing for a southern American: they’re both technically speaking English but holy mother of god it’s not the same. If this movie had been mocking, say, Japan, the same way it mocks Canada, there would have been an uproar: laughing at our accents, our culture, our history. And “white-washing” us to boot – not a single actual Canadian among the cast. Don’t try to tell me Martin Short wasn’t available! In fact, it’s possible that the lack of uproar was only due to no one seeing this movie. Kevin Smith shot it entirely in California, so it’s possible Canada hasn’t even heard of this monstrosity, and if you have any feeling for Canadians at all, you’ll keep this dirty secret.

Don’t see this. Not even out of morbid curiosity. It’s not so bad it’s good, it’s just SO BAD.

 

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35 thoughts on “Yoga Hosers

      1. mikeladano

        She was in the original Clerks too, I think she was the milk lady.

        I have to say that Kevin Smith is one of the reasons why I no longer collect “every movie” by directors I liked.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. The Vern

    I watched this and actually would have liked it way more without the nazi sausages. Like if it started as a comedy and then got dark when the girls killed the satanist. Here’s a shocker. The same cat who was the DP for Moonlight also shot this.

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  2. Mel

    I don’t go see Kevin Smith movies anymore. I refuse to support his failing film career. My Kevin Smith theory (which I presented to him before his wife blocked me on all social media… and this was before Twitter mind you. We got into it pretty good before his wife entered our conversation [I guess I upset him] She tried to shut me up with a “he has a wife and a family what do you have?” argument before I countered with “any mammal can give birth. that’s not a reason for pride.” or something to that effect… anyway) my theory is that his fans are too fucking loyal. They’ve allowed him to get annoyingly complacent and never improve his craft. This was true then and is still truth. He can quite literally make a movie about flatulence and they’d eat it up. I was a fan too (decades ago) but there are about a million people who will pay to see anything he does and he consistently plays to them. The one thing I can say is Kevin Smith has improved his public speaking ability however. Something he has worked hard on. He is one of my favorite live story-tellers and/or stand-up comedians. But he is my number one least favorite director. I compare him to Spike Lee, because they were around the same class and had the same potential for greatness. She’s Got to Have it and Clerks have that same raw talent and potential. Do The Right Thing and Dogma. Mo Better Blues and Chasing Amy. But while Spike Lee was being challenged by the media and his fan base to make better and more professional films, leading up to the phenomenal Malcolm X bio, X. Kevin Smith was having his butt-hole licked… literally. I’m sorry. It’s still a sore subject. He doesn’t even try to make good movies. And that’s just insulting to his audience.

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    1. Jay Post author

      It’s not just that he hasn’t grown, I’d say he’s regressed. I could see flashes of him in the script, but just that, flashes, and then back to the crappiness.

      Liked by 3 people

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  3. Brittani

    I too hate the “aboot” stereotype. I grew up a few miles from the Canadian border and like you I have never heard an actual Canadian say that. It’s accent fraud, the same way the movie/show Fargo skewers Midwest accents even though most people don’t sound like that either. (at least that show is good) I’ll definitely be seeing this.

    Liked by 2 people

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  4. sati

    I somehow got through Tusk but barely…this however looks just too terrible to witness. I don’t think all of Smith’s new movies suck, I loved Clerks 2 and Zack and Miri but this turn he has taken recently is just too dumb and awkward to witness.

    Liked by 1 person

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      1. Lacey

        I probably would have, but my husband was like, “We have limited down time. Let’s not spend it on this.” I really couldn’t argue .

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  5. That Other Critic

    Is it even possible for Kevin Smith’s career to recover at this point?
    Maybe if he stops trying to be meta, self-referential, and/or so-bad-it’s-good? Maybe if he TRIED to make an intimate, funny dramedy like Clerks or Chasing Amy? Could he even do that anymore?

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  6. ninvoid99

    I used to like Kevin Smith but I think ever since he did Cop Out, his career just fucking crashed and is now just desperate and catering to the lowest common denominator.

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      1. ninvoid99

        That was a horrible movie. Jersey Girls wasn’t as bad as people said it was but it was still terrible. Cop Out was just him doing a bad studio movie and I think he lost his way in some respects. Someone needs to tell Fatboy to get some exercise.

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  7. Susan Leighton

    Jay- if you would have written this movie it would have been WAY better. I could not stop laughing. I do like Kevin but he hasn’t managed to live up to his Clerks or Chasing Amy rep. However, I did enjoy Red State and Tusk but that was due to Michael Parks who is 17 different levels of crazy. I will avoid this movie, eh?

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  8. moviemavengal

    Believe it or not, I was actually at the midnight premiere of Yoga Hosers at Sundance. It was a midnight movie at the Library which is not a large theater. Kevin Smith wanted to premiere at the same place he had with Clerks all those years ago. It was worth it to go just because Kevin Smith was very amusing to hear and see live. He went on and on and on in his intro to the movie about his experiences his first time at Sundance in comparison to this time. Most directors talk less than five minutes before the show — I think he went on for 1/2 an hour. The audience was holding its collective breath wondering if Johnny Depp would sneak in the back to see his daughter’s film — and that was before we knew that he had that weird cameo in the film!

    You are right that this movie is horrible. Those Brat Nazis!! The crowd that night were Kevin Smith hard core fans mixed in with industry types. I could tell the non-hardcore fans left as soon as possible. It was worth the experience just to see his zany self, and is one I’ll never forget. I didn’t have the luxury of any one else’s review to head me off!

    Heed Jay — you won’t get those two hours of your life back if you watch it!

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  9. J.

    Haha. This looks dreadful… but I’ve seen Tusk, so need to see the trilogy, right? Gotta admire the fact that he’s making these things. So awful.

    I thought he was getting on track with Red State. Oh well.

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  10. Liz A.

    On behalf of southern Californians, I apologize for that dreck. I’m not sure why we have such stereotypes of Canadians. It’s completely ridiculous. And since it’s not that hard to, I don’t know, visit, why they couldn’t have done some research first. *rolls eyes*

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