Poor Charlize Theron

Because we all have deep wells of sympathy for gorgeous, billionaire blondes, here’s why Charlize Theron thinks you should feel sorry for her today: she’s just too pretty!

“Jobs with real gravitas go to people that are physically right for them and that’s the end of the story,”says the woman who won an Oscar for playing serial killer Aileen Wuornos in Monster.

“How many roles are out there for the gorgeous, fucking, gown-wearing eight-footcharlize model?” Charlize said in the May issue of British GQ, whining that “when meaty roles come through, I’ve been in the room and pretty people get turned away first.”

This coming from a woman who not only has a robust career as an actress, but also makes millions on the side every year modelling for Dior and the like. Sucks to be her!

Weirdly, her best example of beauty-discrimination is a role that she actually did get. “I was auditioning for a lot of stuff where they thought I was too pretty,” Theron recently told the Wall Street Journal, complaining that she almost didn’t get a role in the 1997 film f881eef577c711b4609f0a4091deec40_largeDevil’s Advocate because director Taylor Hackford thought she was too good looking to play such a gritty role. “Devil’s Advocate was probably the hardest — they put me through the wringer,” Charlize told the publication recently, “Taylor just wasn’t convinced. He was like, ‘If you were his wife, why would he cheat on you?’ So there. She’s also too pretty to be cheated on. And definitely too pretty to realize how stupid she sounds. I mean, if you’re going to show up to accept Spike TV’s “Decade of Hotness” award, you just have to be prepared to accept all the terrible fallout that comes along with it.

So here’s a list of ugly women Hollywood cast instead of Charlize Theron, the woman too pretty to land jobs in a looks-obsessed industry:
nicole23Nicole Kidman – this ugmo got the lead role in Moulin Rouge instead of Charlize, who can’t sing, incidentally, but the main reason was of course, her distracting beauty, which is why they replaced her with Kidman, who after all, only models for Chanel, Jimmy Choo, and Omega, though that’s not an exhaustive list.


Theron was originally cast as Greta Wegener in The Danish Girl but she was just tooGwyneth_Paltrow_s_450x300 beautiful, so she has to be replaced by someone far plainer – Gwyneth Paltrow (who admittedly models for Hugo Boss and Estee Lauder), who actually was still too damned beautiful, so they got rid of her and went with the plainest woman they could think of, Marion 04-Marion-CotillardCotillard (yes, she technically models for the same brand as Charlize – Dior – but it’s in the uglier handbag section, so it barely counts), and then they thought, jeez, I don’t know, maybe even crummy old Marion is still just a little too pretty for this, so let’s call up that frumpy dancer, Alicia Vikander (who barely manages a Louis Vuittoalicia-vikander-the-danish-girln campaign)



25C2136A00000578-0-Naomi_wears_Revitalift_Filler_Day_Cream-m-6_1424282506380Theron was in consideration for the role of Helen Gandy in J. Edgar, but the director realized, no, this woman is just too beautiful, and so he hired the repulsive Naomi Watts instead, once voted #2 in the French edition of FHM magazine’s “100 Sexiest Women in the World 2006”, presumably right behind Miss Theron, and a model for Pantene and Ann Taylor.


Charlize’s utter radiance has had to be replaced not once but twice by plain Jane Reese Witherspoon, in both Sweet Home Alabama and Legally Blonde (a role arguably meant for an attractive blonde woman, but I suppose there’s attractive and there’s too attractive). Luckily Witherspoon, ranked #1 on E!’s Hollywood’s Hottest Blondes, had time between her successful Gap modelling campaign to accept these wallflower roles.


Kate Winslet by Alexi Lubomirski (Kate Rock'n'Roll - UK Harper's Bazaar April 2013) 6And then there was the time Charlize auditioned for the role of Rose in Titanic. James Cameron must have also been ultimately discouraged by her exquisiteness, poked around for someone a little less stunning and thankfully landed upon the face of Lancome herself, Kate Winslet. Gross.

So there you have it. Charlize has suffered immensely from her beauty. But she’s not always replaced by uglies. Sometimes she’s replaced by the just so-so, the average people, like you and me, like Angelina Jolie in Tomb Raider. She’s no Charlize, so few are, but since she’s angelinejolie1-jpgdefinitively a few rungs lower, a solid 6 on a good hair day, she was able to land the role of a video game character, who are known for their realistic-looking women.

So there you have it: Charlize Theron is beautiful, and also a bit of an ass. Stay tuned tomorrow to find out how she’s also been discriminated against for being white.








30 thoughts on “Poor Charlize Theron

  1. ridicuryder


    Holy Fuck!!! Is this the reason I haven’t been approached for Honorary Asshole status? Because I’m too pretty!!

    Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful….



    1. Jay Post author

      Yes,maybe we’ll take up a collection.
      We might need to make the card ourselves becuase I doubt Hallmark has a section for this.


  2. Wendell

    Funniest thing I’ve read in a while. I actually think Theron is gorgeous and a great actress, but it sounds so vapid to come out and complain about being too hot. Great post.


  3. ruth

    I love your biting sarcasm Jay! I like Charlize but seriously, that tone deaf and egotistical comment just proves how out of touch these people are. It’s just appalling to even be talking about such shallow matters, esp in a public interview!


  4. The Vern

    I would haft to read the original article on where she was quoted. Maybe she is discouraged because she is a good actress and just because she is beautiful. Roles shouldn’t haft to to go to someone who is not on the same level. Shit as I type this I sound just as vain. I’ll just shut up now, but good article anyways


  5. J.

    Quite surprising given ol’ Charlize has recently received mad props for Mad Max, no? Maybe she was a little misquoted? Y’know, she said something about having to prove that she can do gritty … or prove herself as an actress? Cause, eh, … She is a good actress though.


  6. Holly

    Yep, and thin-shaming is just as prevelent, accepted and demeaning as fat-shaming.

    (Devil’s Advocate and gritty role? I think the director may have been delusional there…)


  7. table9mutant

    Bwahaha!!! This post is brilliant. Damn! Didn’t know she was like this. This has ruined Fury Road for me a bit!! 😉 Man, celebrities do annoy me sometimes… Gwyneth Paltrow stories are always the funniest/most annoying. These people need a dose of reality.


  8. Christopher

    I want to believe this is pure satire, that Theron is really smarter than that and wouldn’t say something so stupid. Admittedly there are different kinds of “smart” and intelligent people sometimes have a staggering lack of self-awareness, and many of us make the mistake of being oblivious to our privilege.
    And maybe her desire for better roles is in part because she knows Hollywood’s history of turning its back on attractive women once they reach a certain age and she wants to rely on more than her looks.
    Yeah, I might feel sorry for her if I weren’t laughing so hard.


  9. Ahdad

    It was hilarious, even though you took the piss of one of my countrymen! She made up for Mad Max though, so she can say anything for the next three months.



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