Because we all have deep wells of sympathy for gorgeous, billionaire blondes, here’s why Charlize Theron thinks you should feel sorry for her today: she’s just too pretty!
“Jobs with real gravitas go to people that are physically right for them and that’s the end of the story,”says the woman who won an Oscar for playing serial killer Aileen Wuornos in Monster.
“How many roles are out there for the gorgeous, fucking, gown-wearing eight-foot model?” Charlize said in the May issue of British GQ, whining that “when meaty roles come through, I’ve been in the room and pretty people get turned away first.”
This coming from a woman who not only has a robust career as an actress, but also makes millions on the side every year modelling for Dior and the like. Sucks to be her!
Weirdly, her best example of beauty-discrimination is a role that she actually did get. “I was auditioning for a lot of stuff where they thought I was too pretty,” Theron recently told the Wall Street Journal, complaining that she almost didn’t get a role in the 1997 film Devil’s Advocate because director Taylor Hackford thought she was too good looking to play such a gritty role. “Devil’s Advocate was probably the hardest — they put me through the wringer,” Charlize told the publication recently, “Taylor just wasn’t convinced. He was like, ‘If you were his wife, why would he cheat on you?’ So there. She’s also too pretty to be cheated on. And definitely too pretty to realize how stupid she sounds. I mean, if you’re going to show up to accept Spike TV’s “Decade of Hotness” award, you just have to be prepared to accept all the terrible fallout that comes along with it.
So here’s a list of ugly women Hollywood cast instead of Charlize Theron, the woman too pretty to land jobs in a looks-obsessed industry:
Nicole Kidman – this ugmo got the lead role in Moulin Rouge instead of Charlize, who can’t sing, incidentally, but the main reason was of course, her distracting beauty, which is why they replaced her with Kidman, who after all, only models for Chanel, Jimmy Choo, and Omega, though that’s not an exhaustive list.
Theron was originally cast as Greta Wegener in The Danish Girl but she was just too beautiful, so she has to be replaced by someone far plainer – Gwyneth Paltrow (who admittedly models for Hugo Boss and Estee Lauder), who actually was still too damned beautiful, so they got rid of her and went with the plainest woman they could think of, Marion Cotillard (yes, she technically models for the same brand as Charlize – Dior – but it’s in the uglier handbag section, so it barely counts), and then they thought, jeez, I don’t know, maybe even crummy old Marion is still just a little too pretty for this, so let’s call up that frumpy dancer, Alicia Vikander (who barely manages a Louis Vuitton campaign)
Theron was in consideration for the role of Helen Gandy in J. Edgar, but the director realized, no, this woman is just too beautiful, and so he hired the repulsive Naomi Watts instead, once voted #2 in the French edition of FHM magazine’s “100 Sexiest Women in the World 2006”, presumably right behind Miss Theron, and a model for Pantene and Ann Taylor.
Charlize’s utter radiance has had to be replaced not once but twice by plain Jane Reese Witherspoon, in both Sweet Home Alabama and Legally Blonde (a role arguably meant for an attractive blonde woman, but I suppose there’s attractive and there’s too attractive). Luckily Witherspoon, ranked #1 on E!’s Hollywood’s Hottest Blondes, had time between her successful Gap modelling campaign to accept these wallflower roles.
And then there was the time Charlize auditioned for the role of Rose in Titanic. James Cameron must have also been ultimately discouraged by her exquisiteness, poked around for someone a little less stunning and thankfully landed upon the face of Lancome herself, Kate Winslet. Gross.
So there you have it. Charlize has suffered immensely from her beauty. But she’s not always replaced by uglies. Sometimes she’s replaced by the just so-so, the average people, like you and me, like Angelina Jolie in Tomb Raider. She’s no Charlize, so few are, but since she’s definitively a few rungs lower, a solid 6 on a good hair day, she was able to land the role of a video game character, who are known for their realistic-looking women.
So there you have it: Charlize Theron is beautiful, and also a bit of an ass. Stay tuned tomorrow to find out how she’s also been discriminated against for being white.