Continuing the “proud” tradition of Paul Blart: Mall Cop, True Memoirs of an International Assassin is a movie that is so uninspired, it will make you search for other ways to pass the time. After about five minutes, Jay started cleaning out our closet and is now showing me shirts I had forgotten I owned. It turns out I have a lot of nice clothes!
True Memoirs of an International Assassin is not exactly a terrible movie. It’s just a totally predictable and generic one to the point that it will drive you to housecleaning. I think there was an attempt at a plot but it just felt like a blend of twenty other better movies, and even those “better” movies weren’t all that great. This is another tale of South American dictators and guerrillas and druglords and corrupt CIA agents and one man standing up to them for the greater good. When that one man is Kevin James, it is for some reason harder to swallow than when a fifty-something Harrison Ford did basically the same thing in Clear and Present Danger. All the imaginary fight sequences in the world couldn’t make me believe that Kevin James could take anyone in a fight.
This movie might have been tolerable if Kevin James had delivered some comedy, of any kind. Spoiler alert: he doesn’t. This is not a comedy or a spoof. It is an action movie starring a comedian which delivers mediocre and forgettable action from start to finish. There is punching and shooting and jumping out of helicopters and it all feels flat and staged, but since there’s no satire to be found my only option was to try and enjoy the action for what it was. I didn’t. Again, it’s just stuff that we’ve all seen in a bunch of other movies, only not as good.
We are now back to rewatching Gilmore Girls in preparation for the reunion shows. And even though by now I find all the Gilmores completely unbearable (we’re well into season six), at least they are making me laugh. That’s all I expected from True Memoirs of an International Assassin and I was left wanting. Don’t bother with this one.
ASSHOLES WATCHING MOVIES 
who saw his pudgy body and was like he’s the next Tom Cruise!?
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I had no intention of watching this, and now I really don’t.
On the other hand, yay Gilmore!
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The last Paul Blart movie left a bad taste in my mouth as it is one of the worst films I had ever seen so I’m not going to see this. BTW, Luke, Christopher, Digger, or Max?
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LUKE!
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Same here.
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Nope, nope and thrice nope.
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Hollywood is Hollyweird. Glad you found new shirts though!
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Ha! I watched the trailer for this and thought “Steven Seagal!”
Seriously.
Doubt I’ll see this.
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Wait, what’s wrong with Gilmore Girls? The only problem I had with it is how many times I’ve seen each episode.
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Oh they’re awful human beings. I was too dumb to notice it as a kid but rewatching it, I’m so disgusted by Rory and Lorelai. So insipid.
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Yikes, sorry, I didn’t really realize I was interrupting the movie. How rude of me.
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Haha the first paragraph made me laugh out loud. I don’t like hating on anyone, but Kevin James man, I can’t stand him.
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Thanks for watching this so none f us ever have to. We value your sacrifice.
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