Pirates of the Caribbean 5: The Curse of Johnny Depp Getting Divorced & Needing The Money

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Officially subtitled Dead Men Tell No Tales (or Salazar’s Revenge, depending where you live), this bloated paycheque party is only the fifth in the franchise though it feels more like the 25th. In truth I’ve never ventured into this franchise before, never had even a pique of interest despite Sean proclaiming some love for the first, but it’s what was playing at the drive-in this weekend, so we all but must.

Now, keeping in mind that watching a movie from the comfort of your own car does pirates-javier-bardemhave its advantages, I present to you my official synopsis of the film: Orlando Bloom has boils. His son vows revenge. Cut to: his son is now old enough to assemble a proper rescue, and it somehow involves the Johnny Depp pirate who is a drunken lout (does this feel less funny now that Johnny Depp’s an actual abusive drunk?) and Geoffrey Rush who is a greedy lout, and Javier Bardem who is a dead lout with floaty hair. Because these three old dudes demand such hefty paycheques, the production has no money left and hires two unknowns in the lead. Orlando Bloom’s son (“the traitor”) and a random curly-haired wench (“the witch”) somehow decide their fates are entwined and they both have to use Johnny Depp to get what they want. Buzzfeed, Buzzfeed, Buzzfeed, lots of boats, gruesome ghost sharks, creepy CGI young Johnny Depp, Buzzfeed, Buzzfeed, Buzzfeed, everyone lives happily ever after, except those who don’t.

So yeah, you caught me. I spent a lot of time on my phone during this movie, just trying to quell the boredom. This was not a great entry point into the series. Actual Buzzfeed Pirates-of-The-Caribbean-Dead-Men-Tell-No-Tales-Official-Trailer-2-3articles I deemed more worthy of my time than this film: Literally Just A Bunch of Queer Tweets That Will Make You Proud AF, 17 Photos of Weddings So Disastrous They’ll Make You Laugh Until You Cry (I did neither), 19 Hilarious ‘Worst Summer Job’ Tweets That Will Make You Cringe and Laugh (I did neither), Here’s Why I Could Never Be A Server, This Family Threw A Quinceañera For Their Cat, And It’s Everything (it’s not, but it’s pretty good and I don’t even like cats), This Guy’s Genius McDonald’s Hack Has People Shook (I felt relatively unshaken myself, but I guess I just have a pretty high threshold for creating my own secret menu items).

Which is not to say that you won’t enjoy the movie. If you’re a swashbuckler, I think you can manage to be entertained. Sure it’s hollow and derivative, but it’s the best damn 5th installment of a franchise based on a mildly popular amusement park ride that I’ve ever seen. The CGI looks expensive as hell and that dead shark sequence would have been really cool had it not been entirely spoiled in the trailers. Plus there’s a needless cameo by Paul McCartney and some blatant sexism and transphobia. What’s not to love?

42 thoughts on “Pirates of the Caribbean 5: The Curse of Johnny Depp Getting Divorced & Needing The Money”

  1. Often Off Topic

    I spent so long with those Buzzfeed links that I forgot what lead me to them in the first place!
    I’m sure I’ve missed a PotC movie somewhere in the franchise, and I honestly don’t know which. It’s a shame, because I did love the original!

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  2. badblokebob

    I liked this enough, but I do love a swashbuckler and there aren’t enough of them nowadays, so I tend to be a bit more lenient than average on the Pirates films (except for the first, which I think is a bona fide blockbuster classic).

    They do spend an awful lot on these movies. It’d be nice if a bit more of that went towards the screenwriters.

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    1. Dany Slone

      Totally agree badblokebob! There should be more swashbuckler films, I remember the first pirate movie I watched was an old erroll Flynn movie, I’ve loved them since. I totally concur that more money should got to the screenwriters!

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  3. fragglerocking

    Yes, the first was the best (as they tend to be, can’t think of many (any?)sequels better than the original), though have enjoyed some of the rest, will wait for the TV to show this one.

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  4. The Chaos Realm

    I read this, and I was like “Abusive drunk, what? When?” and”I thought he was married to that French actress?” LOL (<–doesn't keep up with celebrity news)

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    1. Jay Post author

      Actually, he was never married to VAnessa Paradis. They were together for 14 years and had 2 kids but then he did a movie with a MUCH younger actress, Amber Heard, and left Vanessa for her, whom he immediately married. That marriage lasted a year, she divorced him amid accusations of abuse.
      Meanwhile, he’s going through another lawsuit involving the mismanagement of funds. He’s basically broke – he alleges due to his money handlers, they allege due to his lavish spending, including $75 million to buy and maintain 14 homes, $30,000 a month on wine, and hundreds of thousands a year to keep a sound engineer on retainer – he can’t memorize lines anymore, so he wears an earpiece to have them fed to him.

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      1. The Chaos Realm

        Oh my goodness, that is so sad. Sometimes it’s better not to know about their inner lives…I much prefer the illusion ROFL!

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      2. Sarca

        Damn, this ^^ was more interesting than the movie you just reviewed sounds!
        I won’t be tuning in to watch this film, but I too am up on the 15 year-old cat and the Filet o’Fish chips…

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  5. tarmac492

    Nice review of a bad flick. Great point about Depp in real life. Mean drunks have no business boozing. The original POTC was great fun, but that was a long time ago.

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  6. dj

    I wish they could make these movies good. The first one was good but it went downhill after that. I will probably not see this at all.

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  8. Christy B

    I think I’ll stick to other movies then. I did like the first one in the series but sometimes series drag on too long and it sounds like that’s what’s happened with this one. Well, at least you got to go to a drive-in, which is cool as we don’t have any of those here 🙂

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  9. Wednesday's Child

    Who really are the people who are clamoring for five of these movies? The first one was mildly amusing and I couldn’t even get through the second one even with the novelty of also seeing it in a drive in, never mind the others. I was at the movies yesterday seeing a revival screening of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and I overheard someone in the lobby excitedly telling someone else how she and her family had binged the entire series of Pirates movies in one week to get ready for this installment. As if one had to study and cram to understand this bucket of chum. I know that makes me sound like a dick because it’s almost as if different people like different things but I felt such a moment of stop the world let me off.

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    2. Jay Post author

      They make hundreds of millions of dollars – although they also cost as much, astoundingly. I mean, there was never much of a story there – it is based on a ride, so how can there be?

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  12. ninvoid99

    So it’s Johnny Depp being weird again? Next thing you know, he’ll do another weird movie where it just becomes another of those derp-de-derp films that Tom Cruise and Adam Sandler is doing.

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  14. ridicuryder

    Jay,

    There’s an “I can’t believe we’re getting paid for this” quality to acting in certain franchises that comes through as the actors themselves being entertained while making the film. Burt Reynolds (Smokey / Bandit and Cannonball Movies) was pretty fun to watch as you knew he wasn’t really trying too hard – weird but fun. I’m sorry to hear of Depp’s troubles…I haven’t noticed too many franchises that make subsequent films where the actors are parodying themselves with that swashbuckling cool Burt had.

    I hope you and Sean at least had a decent Drive-In-Movie-Make-Out Session…the last paragraph you wrote makes me think it was a fun night out.

    RR

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  17. StephLove

    This made me laugh twice (the first time being the title) and the second time being the description “the best damn 5th installment of a franchise based on a mildly popular amusement park ride I’ve ever seen.” Not much chance we’ll be going to this one.

    I saw that Buzzfeed article about the cat quinceañera, too. Our cats are both 14, but they’re boys, so I guess we won’t be doing that. Otherwise…

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  18. Chris Scott

    I liked the random curly haired wench. That said, I also enjoyed the film a little but even as a fan of the series, I’m getting tired of Depp’s Jack Sparrow shtick (real life asshat or not).

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  19. The Telltale Mind

    My wife and I might be in the minority, but we loved the film. Sure, it was pretty much the same as the last four movies, but you have to realize that going in. We thought it was fun and were glad that there was a nice break between four and five.

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  20. sati

    I really loved the first movie in the franchise which was a terrific action adventure, Depp was great there and the film made a star out of Knightley who is a lovely actress. Then the quality was worse and worse with each one and this new one looks terrible. But you should give the first one a watch some day, it’s really fun

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  21. J.

    Oooft. Only 5? I’m genuinely surprised by that – I thought there were more.

    Anyhoo, I saw the first and thought it was okay enough to sit through 40 minutes or so of the second.

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  22. utterlypretentiouscritic

    Really fun review of a below average film. I know the first film in the series is widely regarded as ‘enjoyable enough’ but I must say I do not get where all the hate for the remainder of the original trilogy stems from. Though they were admittedly long I felt the fluidity of the on-screen chemistry between Deep, Bloom and Knightly more than merited the run time. But yeah, I think we can all agree taking the later two out of the equation in their characters original format really did leave the franchise dead on its feet. A shame really.

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  23. Jason

    Oh, this movie….where to begin. The story is somewhat interesting and ties to the original trilogy. However, the characters are dull and Depp’s Sparrow is getting tired.

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  24. Skipah

    They should have stopped after the first one. It was good and entertaining, Everything since then is an over produced CGI masturbation sequence.

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  25. Lloyd Marken

    The only redeeming quality for me was Geoffrey Rush. It has been a series of diminishing returns but I was surprised just how bad Depp was in it. Your title was spot on.

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