Once Upon A Time In Venice

You may have noticed by now that before I travel, I like to watch movies set in the city I’m about to visit. It gets me going. I’ve written about Paris, Hawaii, and California, to name just a few, but since Sean and I are in Venice, you can be sure I’m in heaven soaking up Italy on film before I see it in person.

Of course, and let me say this up front: Once Upon A Time In Venice is the wrong Venice. This is Venice Beach, California, whereas where in the cool one with the gondolas and the gelato. Nevertheless, and in the name of all that is good and Bruce Willis, I persisted.

Willis plays Steve Ford, a licensed private detective who can’t be all that good at his job hero_Once-Upon-Venice-2017or he’d have more than $84 in his bank account. He has a young protege  responsible for some very cheesy narration but mostly it’s just about him, getting into deeper and deeper trouble, then trying to dig his way out. His First and Biggest Problem are the gangsters who stole his beloved dog Buddy. Sure it’s a retaliatory act, but Buddy is Steve’s best friend (excepting John Goodman, who plays his human best friend), so apparently there’s no end to demeaning situations that Steve is willing to get into in order to recover his furry pal. There’s no excusing the most egregious stuff (ie, naked skateboarding, and using his asscheeks as a gun holster) which is not necessity but rather just establishes the kind of guy Steve is (ie, exceedingly immature).  Anyway, things only get more madcap from there.

We’ve seen Bruce Willis play this character before. Not literally, but almost. He’s smirky and sarcastic as ever, but the script in no way lives up to even the most minimal requirements for this kind of action-comedy (ie, little action, and no comedy).

In conclusion: only a woman vibrating with anticipation for her next trip could sit through this movie, and I only did it with the help of Diet Pepsi before noon, and sudoku. The good news is, I’m presently in the real Venice, and my twitter (@assholemovies) is bound to be full of Venicey good things. Ciao!


11 thoughts on “Once Upon A Time In Venice

  1. raistlin0903

    Really don’t know what’s going on with Bruce Willis these days. I’m really trying to wrack my brain in thinking up the last really good film I saw him appear in, but I’m at a loss. Real shame in my opinion.


  2. Birgit

    I might see this movie because it sounds light-hearted, little thinking and a furry pal…and I don`t mean Bruce Willis as he has no hair. Now all I can think of is that you are in Venice! I love this small city which I think of as an amusement place for adults. The history, the sights, just walking around is sheer enjoyment. Enjoy every moment


  3. Ron Holliday

    This is seriously the worst movie I’ve seen in a long time. Up there with the very worst, ever! I’m embarrassed for watching it. I was embarrassed for John Goodman and Bruce Willis. Now I’m questioning all the times I thought Bruce was a witty, charismatic actor and thinking maybe a sub par writer and decent director and editor just made him look that way previously. And John Goodman. What? I think he’s an incredible actor. This was just sad and pathetic and I feel that someone had something on someone in order for this drivel to ever get made. I honestly contemplated putting a gun in my mouth to make it stop. I’d rather watch re-runs of Moonlighting!. I want my $1.63 back! Haha



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