Cynthia goes home for Christmas, her first one since her mother’s death, and soon to be her sister Janet’s wedding. A hopeless romantic but newly single once again, Cynthia elects to bring her best guy friend slash coworker along with her, as her plus one and human shield. Of course, Cynthia’s hometown is peppered with ex-boyfriends, so that gets uncomfortable rather fast.

Also uncomfortable: a singing telegram lady in a bonnet shows up daily to her door, singing the appropriate verse of The 12 Days of Christmas, and leaving behind the corresponding gift: two turtle doves, a partridge, a pear tree, etc etc. The problem is, the gifts are anonymous. It’s a mystery. A Christery, if you will. A Christmas mystery. And some pretty lame gifts that come with unwanted responsibilities. But Cynthia thinks it’s romantic, because she’s an idiot in a holiday movie and I guess she has to go along with it. I mean, do you realize how bird-heavy that song is? I did the math: it’s 22 birds by the end of the 12 days. That’s a lot of bird poop, and up to a 20 year commitment! Hope she likes omelettes, because birds are truly a gift that keeps on giving.

Anyway, it’s hard to properly invest in the love life of a moron. Does she even deserve happiness, let alone true love? Not from where I’m sitting. And yes, I’m sitting on the Judgy McBench. So what.