Author Archives: Jay

Christmas By Starlight

When her family’s beloved eatery, The Starlight Café, is slated for demolition, Annie (Kimberley Sustad) vows to put a stop to it before Christmas. She storms the offices of Holt Enterprises to get their eviction notice rescinded and the demolition cancelled, but gets mistaken for someone else. William Holt (Paul Campbell), you see, is the heir apparent, but like a typical rich kid has spent most of his life just coasting by on his charm and his family name, relegating the hard work to his long-suffering assistant, Lyle. Daddy Holt is understandably worried about leaving him the company, so he decides to hire a lawyer to follow Will around, solving any legal messes as he makes them. Yes, it’s the most ridiculous plan ever hatched, and that’s saying something on the Hallmark channel.

Anyway, Annie is mistaken for that lawyer. But she is a lawyer, coincidentally, so Will proposes to hire her, fulfilling his father’s obligation without actually having someone meddlesome breathing over his shoulder, and in return, he promises to shut down the demolition plans. Even more preposterously, in her fake position as his guardian lawyer, one of his legal messes somehow involves her organizing an elaborate Christmas fundraiser…and then Will gets roped in too. Does it make sense? No! But they’re doing it and they’re falling in love while doing it. Which, technically speaking should probably be its own “legal mess,” but let’s go along with the spirit of the film and pretend that logic is overrated.

But wait: what if Will can’t hold up his end of the bargain? What if The Starlight Café gets plowed out of existence and this whole thing was for nothing? That’s not super romantic, is it? Total boner killer. Well, lady boner. What a conundrum! What will happen to our star crossed lovers? Can a lawyer get disbarred for posing as a different lawyer? Are all relationships based on business deals doomed to fail? Find out next on the Hallmark channel.

Ariana Grande: Excuse Me, I Love You

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Random thoughts I had while watching Ariana Grande: Excuse Me, I Love You an essay by Jay Taylor

Calling this a documentary seems generous if not downright false. It’s 90% concert footage, 5% rehearsal, and 5% nonsense. You won’t get to know the girl behind the music, you’ll just get a better than average view of her Sweetener World Tour for a fraction of the price.

First song: God Is A Woman, or, if the staging is to be believed, Ariana is the woman who is God, or at the very least Christ, seeing how she’s got the seat of honour at a table that looks very last suppery. Although if the lyrics are to be believed, Ariana is God because she’s good at sex. Turns out, Ariana isn’t very good at songwriting – and she had 4 other grown ups help her with such gems as “We can make it last, take it slow, hmm.”

Confession that’s probably already obvious: I’m not a fan. I’m not not a fan. I’m not a hater. I’m just not a fan. I recognized a couple of the songs because I’m a human of Earth, but I never thought any of them great and now I’m convinced they’re pretty bad.

Also pretty bad: Scooter Braun. You know, the evil man who tried to shit all over Taylor Swift? Him. He’s still Ariana’s manager, and she’s so unashamed of this he features in this “documentary” more than once. Sean and I both booed him at the exact same time. We may not know much about Ms. Grande but we do know that there is only one right stance to have about Scooter Braun and that’s against. I’m disappointed in Ariana; it’s a total violation of girl code, of good person code, and though I don’t expect much of her, this is still a pretty shitty thing.

This never occurred to me before, but are there no atheists in pop music? Literally every film of concert footage has a prayer circle before each performance with hand holding and out-loud prayers for a good show. Most work places are super duper not allowed to force their employees to pray for show, but pop star world tours seem to be some sort of exception because that shit does not look voluntary at all.

Sean commented about how 88% of people in the doc are billed as Ariana’s “best friend” but that’s literally the only thing about the “movie” that didn’t bother me. Like Mindy Lahiri once said, “A best friend isn’t a person, it’s a tier.” Although, I will say there are a suspicious amount of “best friends” on the payroll; how “best” is this “friend” if you have to pay them?

Speaking of which: mom Joan is a chronic hanger-on herself. Ariana Grande is 27 years old. I’m not sure at which age exactly that becomes creepy, but it was before 27, even if you’re not gyrating in PVC while singing about your sex being god-like. NOT CREEPY AT ALL.

Anyway: is there any personality underneath that high pony? Unknown. There’s nothing new or illuminating or interesting here, just definitely-seen-before pieces of her already dated world tour. It’s a 1 hour, 37 minute commercial for Ariana Grande who must be, if nothing else, pretty savvy about marketing herself – especially since the day this doc hit Netflix just happens to also be the day she announced her most recent engagement.

Continue the Ariana discussion on Youtube!

The Christmas House

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Phylis (Sharon Lawrence) has finally joined husband Bill (Treat Williams) in retirement, and she’s finding it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. With time on their hands, though, they decide to call their grown sons home and throw one last Christmas House, just like they used to do.

What is a Christmas House, you ask? Fair question. They literally empty the house of all useful contents and stage every nook and every cranny with Christmas decor, inside and out, and then invite the whole neighbourhood over to enjoy, along with cookies and cocoa of course, and even some live entertainment.

Youngest son Brandon (Jonathan Bennett) and husband Jake (Brad Harder) are able to come because their bakery is under renovation but it’s not great timing since they’re waiting to hear whether their adoption will go through – it’s been a long journey and they’ve been disappointed before. Oldest son Mike (Robert Buckley), an actor in LA, is also able to get away because his show Handsome Justice has just wrapped its first season. If the brothers are surprised to learn the Christmas House will return after a two decade hiatus, they’re even more surprised to learn that their parents plan to sell the house after Christmas – and take some time apart.

Much has been made of Hallmark finally including some LGBTQ storylines in its holiday lineup, but this isn’t much of a bone to throw the gay community, to be honest. As you can tell, Brandon and Jake are not going to be the focal point of the story; their love’s already a done deal. This is really about single (and handsome) Mike, who grew up with his eye on the girl next door, Andi (Ana Ayora), who is also convenient back next door for the holidays. Will their spark rekindle? Of course it will. But some painful memories from the past will threaten to put those flames out. Plus, mom and dad’s divorce and Brandon and Jake’s baby worries are kind of romantic bummers. But the Christmas House! That’s what’s important now, even if it’s also the only thing actually catching fire.

Oh Hallmark, how do I love thee? You’re pumping out these holiday cheese balls with such enthusiastic precision. And yet, with an impressive slate of about 40 new Christmas movies a year, this is still the first first movie produced by Hallmark to feature a same-sex married couple and a male gay couple. It’s been a long time coming and yet still manages to disappoint – give the gays their romance!

Timeless Christmas

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Charles Whitley, gentleman of the early 20th century, lord of his manor, returns from his travels, greets his housekeeper warmly, replaces his leather-bound journal in its hiding spot, and takes a gander at a new piece he’s recently acquired at auction. It’s a time piece, a clock, and would be beautiful on his mantle if he could get it working again. It claims to find your true love when wound on a Christmas moon and will make a fine gift for his fiancée Eliza, of whom he is fond but likely doesn’t love, which is a moot point since he is of marrying age and she is the lady he’s been courting. However, when Charles (Ryan Paevey) wakes up the next morning, the clock and his tepid love life are no longer concerns because…he’s traveled through time, from 1903 to 2020, and though he doesn’t immediately grasp the time travel, he does recognize that an awful lot of strangers are in his home.

That’s because in 2020, his home has been restored and preserved as a historical landmark. The modern tour guides inside are dressed as and claim to be people he knows – his faithful housekeeper Rosie, his butler Fredricks, his fiancee Eliza. Which, if that happened to you, would be pretty mind-imploding. Charles handles it surprisingly well, though it takes some time to convince the museum’s curator Megan (Erin Cahill) of the truth (frankly, it’s incredible that he’s able to). He does look an awfully lot like the portrait of Charles Whitley hanging in the mansion’s front hall though…

As Charles and Megan search for a way to get him back home, they hide him in plain sight – posing as the actor portraying himself. But you know how it is in a Hallmark movie, boys and girls who spend time together fall in love, and rather quickly! What if Charles doesn’t want to go back? Is it rude to say Megan is an upgrade on Eliza? But will it anger the space-time continuum if he stays? And what about the people he’s left behind in the past – what will they think of his disappearance? There’s only one way to find out, folks, and you’ll find it on the Hallmark Channel.

Heart Of The Holidays

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Sam’s life is falling exactly into place. She’s finally landed her dream job where she’ll be given the freedom to invest with innovative start-ups. Except her very first day goes so badly she not only quits her job on the spot, she’s also rethinking her relationship with Will, the guy who was on the bring of proposing her. So Sam returns home to small town, New York, where her widowed mother Tammy will be thrilled to have her, and spend their first Christmas together in 8 years.

One of the big reasons Sam (Vanessa Lengies) avoids her hometown is ex-boyfriend Noah (Corey Sevier, who directs himself, Hallmark power move!). Things didn’t exactly end happily (when do they ever?) but in this small town, it’s impossible not to run into the guy who owns the coffee shop/bakery/hot spot/hub, and that’s without factoring in all the town’s busy bodies who are pushing them together. Only a good old fashioned giving spirit can reunite these two, strained as it is. but they’re determined to show the town how “grown up” and “over it” they are by joining forces for humanitarian aid.

Of course that strain is due to the secret feelings they’re still harbouring for each other, and their intimate food bank work will only fan the flames. Plus, all this communal spirit is making Sam see a different side of the town she was so eager to flee all those years ago. And the more she does, the more she remembers the reason she left in the first place: to make the world a better place. Except the big city bustle really got in the way and the next thing she knew it was all about making money. Maybe small town life isn’t so bad after all? And maybe a hunky bakery owner is worth a second chance? And maybe the town’s busybodies will finally give it a rest if they just get it over with and kiss already??? You know what I’m going to say: if you’re the least bit interested, Hallmark is the place to be.

Palm Springs

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Nyles (Andy Samberg) is in Palm Springs (I assume – the title might have you believe this is of even the slightest importance, but it’s really not, could be anywhere) for a wedding. His girlfriend is a bridesmaid and he’s her plus one, which doesn’t quite account for just how uninvested he is in the proceedings. Even if you’re not close to the couple, you generally want to be respectful of their big day. Nyles shows up in a bad Hawaiian shirt, pops beers all ceremony long, and then hijacks the maid of honour’s speech to the bride. You can’t quite pinpoint how or why Nyles seems just a little bit off, but he is, considerably, and yet when he directs his charm toward the bride’s sister and maid of honour, Sarah (Cristin Milioti), even she seems unable to resist, and she doesn’t appear to be having a great day herself.

What gives? Turns out, it’s one of those infinite time loop situations you might have heard about. You know, like Groundhog Day? And a dozen other copycats, none of worth mentioning? Yeah, like that. Nyles has been reliving the same day over and over for goodness knows how long (you know who does know? The screenwriter. Excellent source. His answer: about 40 years. Forty fucking years!). Anyway, after a particularly nice day spent with Sarah, she follows him into the time loop cave of doom despite him cautioning her not to. The rest isn’t so much history as an infinite present. Nyles has 40 years of this under his belt, so he’s given himself over completely to nihilism (hence the Hawaiian shirt), but Sarah is new enough to the game to be fed by her anger, resentment, and frustration. She wants out, and she’s so determined to solve or win the time loop, she’ll try anything, including but not limited to: exploding an innocent goat, getting hit by a truck, making the ultimate sacrifice, and learning quantum physics.

Time loop movies are a dime a dozen and I haven’t liked a single one since Bill Murray, but now, suddenly, there are two. Like Groundhog Day, Palm Springs is a rom-com of sorts, or perhaps an anti-rom-com – there is no worse romance killer, not even death, than too much time together. But one man’s existential crisis is another man’s pure entertainment. Samberg and Milioti not only have a viable chemistry, she brings a darkness that balances Samberg’s goofball energy perfectly so that, despite the extreme challenge to mental health in this film, we don’t fly off the deep end of either side of the continuum, but we do enjoy a sliding scale of extremes and a lot of laughs because of it. Writer Andy Siara keeps us intrigued with a script that is unpredictable and unexpected, but most of all coated in well-earned giggles that are executed perfectly by the cast, including JK Simmons as Roy, someone else caught in the infinite loop thanks to Nyles, and not super gracious about it either. Siara and director Max Barbakow work well together to subvert our expectations and challenge what we think we know about rom-coms.

Palm Springs was bought by Hulu at Sundance for a record-setting sum: 17.5 million dollars and 69 cents. The 69 cents set the record; Birth of a Nation held it before this, and that turned out to be a bit of a debacle, didn’t it? But Palm Springs was a great investment for Hulu, becoming the most-streamed in its first weekend Hulu had ever seen. Since Canada doesn’t have Hulu, it is now available to stream on Amazon Prime, and that’s a good thing, because Palm Springs is one of the brightest spots in an otherwise dull year.

Five Star Christmas

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Lucy (Bethany Joy Lenz) and the rest of her siblings are surprised to arrive home for the holidays and find that dad Walter (Robert Wisden) has turned their family home into a bed and breakfast. It’s newly opened and floundering a bit, so when they hear a renowned travel writer is in town, they know a review from her could make or break dad’s business. When she checks in under pseudonym Beth (Laura Soltis), Lucy’s siblings pitch in to either pose as staff or as guests to make the bed and breakfast seem more successful than it is. The only legitimate guest is a guy named Jake (Victor Webster). Sparks fly between Lucy and Jake (well, this being Hallmark, sparks is probably pushing it – picture something a little more akin to a 10 second burst in the microwave, warm but definitely not hot – but the trouble is, her whole family has had to keep up the ruse of being unrelated staff and guests, so their relationship, fledgling as it may be, has started out with a lie, and a pretty big one.

This movie is a little zanier than most Hallmark romances, mostly because the family members are all in character, and apparently some of them have a flair for the dramatic. Except grandpa Walter (Jay Brazeau) who has a flair for the dementia, and there’s no telling what’ll pop out of his mouth at any given moment.

Can a relationship survive a lie about one’s identity? Can a bed and breakfast review survive a brush with grandpa Walt? Do bed and breakfast guests really want to spend as much time together as owners think they do? And how would you feel if your parents secretly turned your childhood bedroom into a rental unit?

Hallmark has one formula for finding love and happiness at Christmas, but there are many variations on the theme of how to get there, and this one has be wanting to pose as my own wacky hotel guest. If you do your own Five Star Christmas cosplay, may I suggest you stay away from accents – those are always harder than you think.

USS Christmas

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Maddie (Jen Lilley) has avoided the traditional Christmas Tiger Cruise her whole life. A Tiger Cruise is an opportunity for civilians to ride a ship the last few days of its deployment. Usually, the ship pulls into a port near their homeport, picks up the “tigers” (family of the servicemembers aboard the ship) and sails the last few days home with them on board. It’s a chance for servicemembers to show their families what they do at sea, and for civilians to see firsthand what the navy does on deployment. The tigers may be sons or daughters if over the age of 8, mothers, fathers, sisters or brothers – much like a Hallmark film, there is no sex aboard a Navy ship (ha), so spouses are not allowed.

Maddie’s father was in the Navy, but she never felt the pull to cruise with him. Now that her sister’s in the Navy, she still doesn’t care to board a ship, but she’s a reporter for a Norfolk newspaper, and her editor thinks there might be a story there. Inevitably she meets ~~Lt. Jenkins~~ Billy, a handsome naval officer who claims not to like Christmas. But when they stumble upon a mystery in the ship’s archive room involving a historical Tiger Cruise hookup, the two spend a lot of intimate time together, and I’m pretty sure the magic of the season just overtakes him.

Am I surprised to learn that a ship that has shared bathrooms also has an archive room? Yes I am. Am I even more surprised that despite shared bathrooms, Maddie somehow has perfectly coiffed hair every day? YES I AM. But if deployment romances are your jam, USS Christmas offers a double bill.

FYI: Shipboard scenes were filmed on the Battleship USS North Carolina, permanently moored in Wilmington, NC.

Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom

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Chicago, 1927. Welcome to a single recording session of Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom. Ma (Viola Davis) is running late, of course, cause she’s the star. The band is rehearsing in the “studio,” a dank basement room that’s not big enough for the egos it’s asked to contain. Levee the horn player (Chadwick Boseman) in particular is testing everyone’s nerves with his outsized ambitions and his new $11 shoes.

When Ma arrives, tensions mount. Levee is trying to rearrange her music, and she’s got to show him his place. But she’s also battling the (white) management, who are subtly trying to push her in different directions, disrespecting her status as the mother of the blues, trying to control a product they don’t fully understand. The other band members – Cutler (Colman Domingo), Toledo (Glynn Turman), and Slow Drag (Michael Potts) – try to run interference, but they know their place and are loathe to stray from it.

Ruben Santiago-Hudson adapts from August Wilson’s excellent play. You may know that Denzel Washington intends to bring all 10 of Wilson’s “century cycle” plays to screen, starting with Fences, for which David received an Oscar, and following this one with The Piano Lesson, for which he’ll cast his son, John David Washington. Of course, he wasn’t far off in casting Boseman for this one; Boseman was his longtime protégé; Washington had sponsored him at Howard University, paying his tuition so he could take Phylicia Rashad’s coveted acting class. Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom is Boseman’s last role. He was secretly receiving treatment for the colon cancer that killed him earlier this year while filming.

As far as legacy goes, Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom is about as good a final role as you can hope for. He’s magnetic, vital, crackling with suppressed rage, electrifying and dangerous. Opposite him, Viola Davis’s Ma can afford to be a little more confident, a little more sedate. Perhaps because of her career she has more experience dealing with the white man’s power struggle, but she holds her own, knows her worth and insists on it.

August Wilson’s play is urgent and alive (I personally prefer this one to Fences). Director George C. Wolfe does an excellent job of making us feel every inch of that tiny recording studio’s claustrophobic walls. It’s hot, it’s crowded, there is little room for maneuvering (physically and symbolically) and plenty of potential for mistakes. Egos and tempers are bouncing off each other in desperate and menacing ways. Meanwhile, the white managers and producers sit comfortably upstairs, dictating how the session will go, depriving even their star of a 5 cent bottle of Coke.

This recording session is a microcosm of the Black experience in America in the early 20th century. Generational trauma, informed by racism, religion and violence, is evident in every note sung in the blues, and white men stand by to monetize and profit from it. It is no wonder that this session may turn explosive at any moment, and very telling that when that escalating pressure so carefully cultivated finally does release, the lateral violence is just another heartbreaking blow to an already wounded community.

Forever Christmas

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Sophia (Chelsea Hobbs) produces a reality TV show called Extreme Christmas. It takes a little convincing, but she finally gets Will (Christopher Russell) to appear. His schtick is that he celebrates Christmas 365 days a year (he’s “Mr. 365”, according to the book upon which this is based); his appeal is that he’s desperately sexy.

I’ve never seen a Hallmark Christmas movie with so much shirt removal – his of course, repeatedly, while the camera lingers lovingly over his abs. Now, if you’re wondering how a tall, handsome, gainfully employed, not overtly crazy, (straight) dude in a V-neck t-shirt is cuckoo for Christmas (I have never known an unattached man to put up a Christmas tree unprompted), don’t you worry, you can be assured that reality TV will also be asking such questions, only not as nicely.

Yup, Will’s about to find out that reality TV tells its own version of reality, and doesn’t really care about his feelings. And Sophia’s going to learn that her job kind of sucks when you actually care about the person who’s life you’re mocking. Can their love possibly survive mean-spirited editing? Would you feel safe at night, sleeping beside a man obsessed with Christmas year round? And most importantly, is there a director’s cut of this movie that edits around all the humans and just stars that cute dog? As always, the answers, my friend, await you at Hallmark.