The Christmas Consultant

This year, Sean and I are getting on a plane pointed south for Christmas. We are fleeing snow and obligation and we’ll be sipping daiquiris instead of eggnog on a sandy, sunny beach.

This doesn’t really let us off the hook, though. Unwilling to forgo seeing our precious niece and nephew’s gleeful faces on Christmas morning, we’re hosting a pre-Christmas at our place before we leave. Sean’s birthday is in December, which means we’ll only have about a week between it and our little gathering to do the decorating, the baking, the shopping, the wrapping, the writing and sending of Christmas cards, cleaning the house finding the perfect tree, cleaning the house again of all the pine needles we’ve dragged in, the event planning. The event planning. Parties at our house aren’t some relaxed affair. They involve more courses than people, games with prizes, presents galore, and confetti cannons at the least. Luckily our jobs go on hiatus for the month of December. Ha. In fact, lots of jobs, including mine, go haywire for the holidays. And work brings its own obligations: office Christmas parties, and white elephant gift exchanges, and avoiding Linda’s fruit cake. So who among us couldn’t use the services of a Christmas consultant?

That’s what workaholic Maya (Caroline Rhea) figures when her new job is incredibly demanding, a dozen rogue relatives are on their way, and a big party has been promised in order to impress an important client. So she hires Christmas consultant Owen (David Hasselhoff) who oozes Christmas out his pores. He probably leaks Christmas carols out his butt. He grows tinsel out of his head. He’d really like to remove the reindeer antlers up Maya’s butt, but listen: she’s a working, harried mom trying to do it all and in swoops an obnoxious overgrown elf trying to mansplain her family’s Christmas to her. He’s getting lots of credit while also creating lots of havoc. Not to mention resentment, though come to think of it, resentment is kind of like a holiday staple. So maybe you should invite David Hasselhoff over for dinner this year. He can’t be much worse than your aunt Theresa.

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