Minions

There’s nothing wrong with the Minions movie, as long as you call it what it is: a kid’s movie. In the olden days, kids’ movies would have primary-coloured protagonists with annoying, high-pitched voices who got into non-sensical high jinks with little to no thought to plot. And we were 54ac232d-7ce4-4396-9933-f03e0af89915fine with this, because we’d pop it into the VCR and let it babysit our kids for a while, and we’d pay as little attention to it as humanly possible. But then Pixar came along and raised the bar. Sure they improved the quality of computer-generated animation, but they also did something few had done before: the movie spoke directly to the adults in the audience. They found a way to appeal to children, and also the child in all of us. So the other animation studios have (tried) to follow suit.

Despicable Me was reasonably successful at this – if you remember the Evil Bank where Gru goes to get an evil loan, you may have caught the sign, which identified the bank as (Formerly Lehman Brothers) – think the kids got that one? I took a poll. They did not. What kids did notice, however, was the bright yellow pill-shaped sidekicks, aka the Minions. They squeak gibberish and generally look cute while acting devilish – what 3-year-old can resist? In fact, these little sidekicks are modeled after three-year-olds, full stop. Sidekick spinoffs are meant for them, not us.

Minions are occasionally funny and occasionally annoying as fuck. You’ll get tired of the joke well before it’s over, but this movie isn’t made for you. It’s not even made for your adorable 83830185_minions-still-with-bullocknephew. This movie is made to move merchandise, and dear god has it been successful on that score. A movie is a $12 ticket and maybe a $25 DVD, if they’re lucky. But adorable, rotund minions are potentially a whole line of toys waiting to happen. Action figures! Plushies! Jigsaw puzzles, sticker books, back to school supplies, board games, snack packs, fart guns, voice changers, licensed goddamned EVERYTHING! And we should know. Having recently visited Universal Studios, we Assholes were briefly (but memorably!) turned into minions. Thankfully we were turned back because the park was already overrun as it was: the minions were everywhere! You could eat them, buy them, have your picture taken with them. The Minions are a machine now. You may feed it dollars to keep it quiet.

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16 thoughts on “Minions

  1. reocochran

    I took son, age 33 and his wife, daughter aged 35 and 6 grandkids for $4.50 each and bought 6 kids meals with pop popcorn, M&M’s and 12 Oz drinks and kept our group of 10 under $70. I was 13 in 1968 so all the time capsule jokes hit me just right. I mean who has thought of “Tricky Dick” Nixon or the iconic souvenirs of this time lately. My kids grew up on 70’s music from my playing it so they really enjoyed it. A couple if 70 year olds who go to our local theater told me our kids were so cute and they loved her in them giggle. Just in case anyone wanders here and does want to see it, they will get a balanced review. Yours is Thumbs down, mine is Thumbs Up! 🙂

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  2. Ally B. Jones

    …..still might watch….when it comes out on DVD or streaming then I can pause and fast forward. What a sweet sweet world we live in. Thanks for the review #

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  3. killkenny16

    I imagine that if you spliced together all of the Minions merchandise on TV, you would get something akin to the Minions movie. And, considering the fact that I can barely stand a 30-second TV spot for a Minions-themed Happy Meal, I think I’ll wait to review this when I can watch it at home. Where I have alcohol.

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  4. Christopher

    I’m afraid that feeding my dollars to the Minions machine will just encourage it and cause it to grow more bloated, craving more and more. Separately the Minions are annoying. Together they are…THE BLOB.

    But without the benefit of a young Steve McQueen or a catchy theme by Burt Bacharach.

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  5. Jordan Dodd

    None of this merchandising has happened down under. At least if it has, I missed it. I loved this movie, you tal;k about jokes that the kids won’t get – how about the big poster of Nixon in this movie! That one good a good laugh from me…

    “A MAN YOU CAN TRUST…. RICHARD NIXON!!”

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    1. Jay Post author

      I think I have a higher tolerance for them and I still had a hard time sitting through the whole movie. I mean, they don’t speak, but they squeak A LOT!

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  6. laura kilty

    Aw, I loved this movie- went with a group of other thirty somethings. It was a 10pm showing so it was a cinema full of just adults and there was lots of laughter from everyone! But then, I loved the Spongebob film too which I remember you did not in any way like!! 😀

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  7. StephLove

    We haven’t been to any kids’ movies this summer (unless you count Annie at a 2nd run theater) but if we do I think we’ll stick to Inside Out, which seems like the best of the lot.

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  8. Pingback: Jay’s Top Cinematic Moments of 2015 | ASSHOLES WATCHING MOVIES

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