Rio 2

If you’re going to see one Jesse Eisenberg movie this week, please, please let it be this one.

Rio_2_stars_7Er.Okay, I don’t really mean that. In fact,if my house was on fire and I had to say which I was more tired of, super hero movies or Jesse Eisenberg being alive, I’d sweat. And not just from the flames, which would be licking at my feet.

How’s a body supposed to make an informed choice between Rio 2 and Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice? Well, based on titles alone, I’m voting Rio 2. If you’re going to be typing this thing on the reg, you’ll appreciate how few characters you can get away with, even considering it’s a sequel. Batman v Superman is a franchise first and it’s already got a colon! If you’re still unconvinced, I present to you Jay’s Guide for Choosing Between Inevitably Disappointing Jesse Eisenberg Movies.

  1. When you watched Les Miserables, did you feel grateful to get out alive,lesmiserables yet secretly nurse the urge to hear Anne Hathaway sing again? If so, Rio 2’s your best bet. Sure you’ll have to sit through some trite shit about family and the environment, but you already endured Russell Crowe singing about sewers, so you’re a survivor. You got this.

2. Do you love Rio de Janiero and look forward to seeing it lovingly rendered in 3D animation? If so, keep walking. Despite the misleading title, Rio 2 does not take place in Rio. Console yourself with the lush tropical look and feel of the Amazon, or with Metropolis getting stomped to smithereens yet again (gosh those people are resilient!).

3. Do you love heroic themes of alienation, altruism, and justice? If your heart sighs yes, then check out Rio 2! Did you know that one little city-bird, out of his element in the jungle, can redifine machismo while taking on the logging company and Amazonian deforestation and heraldiBatman-v-Superman-Dawn-of-Justice-Jesse-Eisenberg-as-Lex-Luthorng cross-species cooperation? Neither Batmam nor Superman have anything on a little macaw named Blu.

4. Conversely, are you maybe in it just for the evilest of villains? I hear Lex Luthor’s got yet another doomsday device (yawn), but Rio 2 is so terrorized by its villain it can afford to practically gloss over the obvious villainy of “progress”, “loss of habitat”, and “corporate greed” to create the greatest antagonist of all time: a Shakespeare-quoting cockatoo with a heart full of vengeance.

5. Or maybe you just like a good old-fashioned ensemble cast of strong performers who will unite against a common enemy. Again: slight edge to Rio 2. I’m going to be honest. There’s no avoiding Jesse Eisenberg in either of these movies, and for that, I truly apologize. But Rio 2 has an excellent voice cast consisting of Leslie Mann, Andy Garcia, Tracey Morgan, Bruno Mars, Jamie Foxx, and especially Jemaine Clement and Kristin Chenowith. Like most sequels meant for children, this one’s bigger and bolder, almost an onslaught of primary colours and laughing at one’s own jokes, of taking the first movie rio2jemaineclementand not doing much with it, recycling what worked, and putting up some extra musical numbers that only its target audience, kids aged 5-7 bereft of attention spans, can stomach. But Jemaine Clement is the best (and only) reason for an adult to sit through this. Can you really say the same about Ben Affleck? I said good day, sir!

6. The only reason I can think of to watch Batman v Superman, and I assume this happening under some kind of duress, is because of Wonder Woman. It’s about damn time, amirite? I mean, super hero movies make a bunch of macho Brazilian birds look progressive for fuck’s sake. I give zero fucks about any super hero anywhere, but I confess I’ve taken a bit of a shine to Ms. Wonder wonderwomanlegoever since Sean started playing a game called Lego Dimensions. If you haven’t seen it, it’s a video game where you buy characters in a store to literally build out of Legos. There’s Lego Back to the Future (with a Lego DeLorean), and Lego Jurassic World (with a Lego velociraptor), and Lego Ghostbusters (with a Lego Bill Murray!). I felt the game was a little testosterone-heavy so I brought home Lego Wonder Woman (and her invisible jet!) so I could do things like mind-control people with my goldenwonderwoman lasso, and hit things with my fancy tiara, and make smarmy pronouncements, and recklessly fly about in my invisible jet, making lots of Lego things explode into coins. Kids may like the Lego warrior Princess of the Amazons, but I for one do not want to have to explain to a 6 year old why a lady is walking around in a metal bathing suit. Rio 2 for the win.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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26 thoughts on “Rio 2

  1. kmSalvatore

    Well, I’m chuckling while I read this, and I’m so glad for the laugh, I’ve been sick for a few days. Your writing always, cracks me up. But as far as the movies go…. Well I’m gonna pass all together… Not my cup a tea at all . Thanks Jay

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  2. ninvoid99

    I thought it was OK though I did have a good time mocking Bruno Mars’ moments when he sings by doing the Beavis voice and just making it sound worse than it actually is. Or maybe in that Beavis voice, I think did a better job than Mars in singing.

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  3. Birgit

    I have no desire to see Rio 2. I have not seen the first one. It’s about time Wonder Woman comes to the forefront but why make her outfit like Xena’s? She should always be in the red, white and blue…with some good old good bracelets

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  4. Wendell

    Very fun post! It was a blast to read. That said, I’ll be taking my chances with BvS this weekend since I’ve already seen R2 and didn’t care for it too much. Love the first, not much use for this one.

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  5. vinnieh

    ‘In fact,if my house was on fire and I had to say which I was more tired of, super hero movies or Jesse Eisenberg being alive, I’d sweat. And not just from the flames, which would be licking at my feet.’ That piece of writing really made my morning, I couldn’t stop laughing. You have a real gift for humour.

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    1. Jay Post author

      Erm…well, I did think he was over the top. Way too many facial tics. I appreciate what they were trying to do, and a lot of fault was with the writing just not giving a lot of motivation for him.

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  6. Pingback: Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice | ASSHOLES WATCHING MOVIES

  7. DotedOn

    You always make me laugh, Jay! 🙂 Thank you!
    Yesterday I had to answer which one was my favorite superhero. I said Robin 😀 (Because there is this cartoon series called Teen Titans Go about what do super heroes when they are not fighting crime and there it’s Robin who’s the only one who doesn’t have any super power and always makes me laugh). Now, if one of these days someone decides to make a movie about Robin, I’ll probably have to pick another one. 😀

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