Get A Job

This movie was shot in 2012 and it took 4 years for the heat of everyone blushing in embarrassment to die down enough to release it. Maybe they should have given it 4 more.

In it, Anna Kendrick and Miles Teller play self-obsessed millennials who graduate and are astounded to not immediately be handed their dream jobs with rockstar perks. This premise is so flimsy they try to pad it out with a whole bunch of friends also struggling in the real world, thus ensuring that there is never a whole story being told anywhere, but lots of odds and ends you can’t possibly bring yourself to care about. Bryan Cranston is the best thing in this movie, playing the guy who has aged out of his job and is facing unemployment in a job market crawling with shallow selfie-resumes.

Under no circumstances should you attempt to watch this movie. If you do, please contact your local poison control centre immediately, and flush the area with water.

The less said about this ass-munching movie the better, so instead let’s discuss the myriad better ways this money could have been spent. Assuming a very modest budget of 8 million dollars, you could have bought:

11-diamond_bathtub_for_your_po-610x458A Swarovski crystal-studded bathtub for your dog: $39 000

A bejeweled, 18-karat gold Monopoly set: $2 000 000

Exclusive gold shoelaces by Mr. Kennedy: $19 000

A bottle of 100 year old champagne recovered from a shipwreck which may or may not still be potable let alone drinkable: $275 000 Add a champagne bucket by Aston Martin (it’s insulated with carbon fibre) for $38 000

A plain white t-shirt “designed” by Kanye West: $12010-o-GUINEA-PIG-ARMOR-facebook-610x475

A custom-made suit of armour: $20 000; add one for your pet guinea pig: $24 300

A lock of Elvis’s hair, as far as you know: $115 000

A stamp of Nicholas Cage’s face: $19

A ziploc bag of air from Kobe Bryant’s last basketball game: $16 000

A cornflake shaped like Illinois: $1350

il_570xN.603647511_jio03 x-rays of Marilyn Monroe’s chest: $45 000

A banana slicer: $4.75

A ghost in a jar: $50 992

A 1/8 model of a Lamborghini Aventador. It doesn’t move but it does take up lots of space on your desk: $4 700 000 (just to be clear: an actual Lamborgnini will set you back about 400K)

A gold, diamond-encrusted Nintendo Wii system. Be sure to save your crappy old plastic wii-motes because this baby doesn’t come with any! The kicker? It’s already obsolete!: $500 000Toby_Sheldon_plastic_surgery_Justin_Bieber

William Shatner’s kidney stone: $25 000

Plastic surgery to look “like” Justin Bieber: $100 000

You could buy all of these items for the cost of 1 Get a Job, they’d all be a better use of your time and money, and you’d still have enough cash left over to make The Blair Witch Project. Think on that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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34 thoughts on “Get A Job

  1. reocochran

    What a waste! I love Miles Teller in his early work, the one where he is a misunderstood teenager with Don Johnson as his drunken father. The Spectacular Now, possibly? Anyway, he is a very hard working actor in some of his films, capturing the essence of his character. Anna Kendricks could be serious but I have seen her in goofy movies.
    I had to come since i don’t have a lot of time at the library to ask you did you see, “My Name is Doris?” i really liked it!! **** It is fantastic in humor and some true elements in growing old, as well as laugh out loud funny. She never “breaks” out into the gorgeous woman she is now, but remains in character as a wacky, somewhat misunderstood “hoarder” and hard worker. Tyne Daly is great and the guy from New Girl tv show is good and actually nice. Smiles, Robin

    Like

    Reply
    1. Jay Post author

      Robin, I have not seen My Name is Doris yet but I’m desperate to see it and I am so glad you liked it!!! I’ll get back to you when I have!

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
      1. Nostra

        Only if they have the hairs of rabbits who live on the outskirts of the Himalaya and are fed the most exclusive carrots in the world at the end of it 😉

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Lara/Trace

    (Shaking my head) I think many movies should never have been made – what the f*ck is wrong with these people?

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  3. The Vern

    I know there is a lot better things to do with the money but this does have Anna Kendrick and I think she is very beautiful. I will most likely hate myself for watching it but I still want to watch it

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  4. Tom

    This is one of the fucking funniest things I”ve read all. . . . . . hour.

    No but seriously this is great. No way was I gonna waste time on this, but this says everything i probably would have wanted to say if I had

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  5. SD Gates

    Great review – are these things really for sale? I really like the armor for guinea pig, I wonder how much it would cost to get armor like that for my Great Dane?

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    Reply
    1. Jay Post author

      The armor for the guinea pig was for sale at auction, and yes, they’ve all been for sale, which I think proves that if you really want a suit of armor for your Great Dane, you can likely get it if your pockets are deep enough.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  6. Christopher

    This was a brilliant review with the “You could have bought…” being the best part because it reminds me of Cornell University Library’s periodic “Sticker Shock” displays about what some libraries have to pay for some subscriptions.
    For instance a subscription to Materials Science & Engineering A costs a college or university library $12,000, not including various service fees.
    That’s per year, and prices go up every year.
    Keep in mind that the writers for these journals are professors or students working toward degrees and aren’t paid for their work. The editors might get a small amount but getting to be editor is just a feather in their academic cap–and for many a step closer to tenure.
    Almost all the research is paid for with taxpayer-funded grants.

    Here’s the irony: those outrageous subscription prices drive up the cost of higher education–a fact that’s not a problem for the self-obsessed millenials whose parents can afford it.

    Eight million bucks could still help out a lot of libraries…or it could have made a film about kids who want an education and to better themselves and are stuck in a money pit.

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