This movie was shot in 2012 and it took 4 years for the heat of everyone blushing in embarrassment to die down enough to release it. Maybe they should have given it 4 more.
In it, Anna Kendrick and Miles Teller play self-obsessed millennials who graduate and are astounded to not immediately be handed their dream jobs with rockstar perks. This premise is so flimsy they try to pad it out with a whole bunch of friends also struggling in the real world, thus ensuring that there is never a whole story being told anywhere, but lots of odds and ends you can’t possibly bring yourself to care about. Bryan Cranston is the best thing in this movie, playing the guy who has aged out of his job and is facing unemployment in a job market crawling with shallow selfie-resumes.
Under no circumstances should you attempt to watch this movie. If you do, please contact your local poison control centre immediately, and flush the area with water.
The less said about this ass-munching movie the better, so instead let’s discuss the myriad better ways this money could have been spent. Assuming a very modest budget of 8 million dollars, you could have bought:
A Swarovski crystal-studded bathtub for your dog: $39 000
A bejeweled, 18-karat gold Monopoly set: $2 000 000
Exclusive gold shoelaces by Mr. Kennedy: $19 000
A bottle of 100 year old champagne recovered from a shipwreck which may or may not still be potable let alone drinkable: $275 000 Add a champagne bucket by Aston Martin (it’s insulated with carbon fibre) for $38 000
A plain white t-shirt “designed” by Kanye West: $120
A custom-made suit of armour: $20 000; add one for your pet guinea pig: $24 300
A lock of Elvis’s hair, as far as you know: $115 000
A stamp of Nicholas Cage’s face: $19
A ziploc bag of air from Kobe Bryant’s last basketball game: $16 000
A cornflake shaped like Illinois: $1350
3 x-rays of Marilyn Monroe’s chest: $45 000
A banana slicer: $4.75
A ghost in a jar: $50 992
A 1/8 model of a Lamborghini Aventador. It doesn’t move but it does take up lots of space on your desk: $4 700 000 (just to be clear: an actual Lamborgnini will set you back about 400K)
A gold, diamond-encrusted Nintendo Wii system. Be sure to save your crappy old plastic wii-motes because this baby doesn’t come with any! The kicker? It’s already obsolete!: $500 000
William Shatner’s kidney stone: $25 000
Plastic surgery to look “like” Justin Bieber: $100 000
You could buy all of these items for the cost of 1 Get a Job, they’d all be a better use of your time and money, and you’d still have enough cash left over to make The Blair Witch Project. Think on that.