Christmas Trade

“You stand a better chance of winning the lottery and getting hit by lightning on the same day than you do of getting a new puppy” – said dad, to his motherless son, days before Christmas.

Anyone want to take a bet on this kid getting a puppy before this movie’s over?

Billy Baldwin plays the “hot widow guy” (not MY words, believe me) that all the other school moms covet. He’s a big fancy lawyer who works too hard, spends too little time with his son, and keeps his secret new girlfriend (Denise imagesRichards) at a distance. A weird teddy bear mysteriously shows up on his doorstep and is activated during a fight with this son. Before you can change the channel, the bear Freaky-Fridays them. Just a few short days before Christmas, “dad” has to go to school and confront the bullies and his nerves about starring in the big pageant and “son” has to take a witness’s deposition, throw the office Christmas party, and get tongued by more than one woman.

I haven’t even gotten to the best part: Tom Arnold plays the teddy bear’s “repair man,” the guy who orders the “sprocket” from Amazon in order to save Christmas or what have you (I may not have been paying the best attention).

I likely don’t have to tell you that this movie offers very little in the way of entertainment of even diversion. It milks the one joke it thinks it has until the joke’s teats are raw and bleeding. But it is kind of comforting to know how far the man who once gave me quite a thrill (Backdraft had my favourite sex scene for quite a long while running) can fall. Tom Arnold, however, has had a career that has operated AT BEST right in this very comfort zone. And Denise Richards may be trading up. Maybe that’s the only Christmas miracle we’re getting here folks. Hope it’s enough to keep you warm.

9 thoughts on “Christmas Trade

  1. Pingback: An Even Grumpier Guide to Christmas Movies | ASSHOLES WATCHING MOVIES

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