An Even Grumpier Guide to Christmas Movies

Last year I lamented the fact that there were no wobbly card tables in the perfection that is Christmas movies, and I bravely bore through a heaping pile of excrement just to tell you that these movies really are as bad as we all thought. This year I find myself doing more of the same, though with perhaps a somewhat easier attitude, in part because I’ve made it a game.

I’ve embraced the cheese by developing a bingo game out of the very cornball 20161221_074245scenarios that used to make me want to ream someone with an unripe banana. Now when a workaholic refuses to acknowledge the meaning of Christmas, I rejoice: it’s by B12, or my I23. Hallmark movies are particularly fruitful for the purposes of Christmas movie bingo, although Matt achieved his high score by watching only Love Actually, and It’s A Wonderful Life.

If you’d like to play along, here’s some of the crap I’ve been watching this year

Christmas Trade: Basically, Billy Baldwin gets Freaky Fridayed.

The Christmas Card: The trifecta of American puke. At Christmas. With Ed Asner.

A Christmas Melody: The script may have been written by reverse-engineering my Bingo card. Bonus cheese: co-stars Mariah Carey.

Uncle Nick: Lewd and gross and pervy, and not in a good way.

Bad Santa: Ever want to see a Gilmore Girl debase herself?

Office Christmas Party: Not as bad as some, but no Christmas goose.

The Kid Who Loved Christmas: Nothing like a dead mother to brighten the holidays.

My Christmas Love: An insult to the intelligence of the common blobfish.


If you’ve watched a particularly atrocious holiday movie lately, feel free to leave some link love in the comments. Could you score a bingo with any of them?


7 thoughts on “An Even Grumpier Guide to Christmas Movies

  1. Lloyd Marken

    I liked Bad Santa and Lauren Graham’s work in it. 😦 However I can’t say much about the rest. God bless you Jay for watching this stuff so we don’t have to. What are your favourite Christmas movies?



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