Kong: (Bored Out of My) Skull Island

There are so many interesting components to this film that I find it unnatural and surprising how much it still sucked.

Basically: John Goodman convinces some government types that there’s this mysterious, vaguely-skull shaped island and the USA needs to LOCK THAT SHIT DOWN, like, be the first to “conquer” it and claim it as their own. So he hires crack photographer Brie Larson (for some reason), and master tracker Tom Hiddleston (for some reason) to accompany MV5BYzU4Y2VjN2ItZDA4Yy00MTBkLWI0ZGMtODcwZWY5ZDJlYTg1XkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyNjEwNTM2Mzc@._V1_SY1000_CR0,0,1500,1000_AL_him and the army led by Sam Jackson to the island that everyone knows is a no good, horrible, very bad idea. You may have noticed that the only thing more useless on this trip than the photographer is the tracker, except the little surprise that John Goodman has been keeping under his hat is: fuck surveying the island, he’s there to bring down the GIANT FUCKING BEAST, Y’ALL! Daaaaamn.

Except fuck you, John Goodman. King Kong is the least of your worries if you’re playing tourist on Skull Island. There’s much MUCH worse. But even though there’s a bevy of monsters and a bunch of a-list actors, none of them are remotely interesting. So that’s too bad. The movie is over-cast, and I’m not sure that I’ve ever said that before. But it’s just too crowded with famous faces and not one of them has a damn thing to do. And if any of them got any ideas about doing some acting or even just reciting a line that wasn’t entirely forgettable\unnecessary, Samuel L. Jackson was there to be a vacuum of talent, where his overacting is wildly disproportionate to the entire tone of the movie, thus hogging 110% of our energy, attention, and frankly, consternation, sucking up literally any sparks that anyone else was throwing off.

The only thing that I even wanted to like was Kong himself, but the movie couldn’t keep his size straight and that made me dizzy with rage (as did Brie Larson’s amazing, never ending roll of film). Kong is supposed to be big, and he is, but how big? Director Jordan Vogt-Roberts hopes you never ask that question, because he certain hasn’t. The answer is that it varies greatly from scene to scene and if you’re the kind of person who’s okay with glaring errors of continuity that don’t even take you seriously as a human being who can appreciate the difference between a station wagon, a sky-scraper, and a mid-range mountain.

Kong: Skull Island has an A-movie budget but a B-movie feel.

 

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22 thoughts on “Kong: (Bored Out of My) Skull Island

  1. badblokebob

    I must (sheepishly) admit that I really enjoyed it. Partly because it was a B-movie writ large, in fact. I can’t say I noticed any variability in Kong’s size myself, but it’s certainly true that Samuel L. Jackson hogs any scene he’s in (not that I minded, personally) and Brie Larson in particular has very little to do (which was a waste).

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  2. J.

    I’ve been looking forward to this, though I expected B-movie shenanigans (cause that’s the qualities a Kong flick should boast). I guess it’s more disappointing that there are continuity issues with Kong’s size and the fact that there’s a bit of a wasted cast.

    However, this: “Samuel L. Jackson was there to be a vacuum of talent, where his overacting is wildly disproportionate to the entire tone of the movie, thus hogging 110% of our energy, attention, and frankly, consternation, sucking up literally any sparks that anyone else was throwing off”. You could use that same quote for Django and Hateful Eight (when he got going he got going).

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  3. SpeedySailor

    Damn, well, it sounds like it could well be something rubbishy (which was a fear of mine when I knew it was produced by the same guys as Godzilla), but I’m still curious to check it out.
    Reuben

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  4. Chris Scott

    I saw it in theaters and thought. That was OK. Honestly can’t remember a whole lot about it now though other than Jackson.

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  5. calensariel

    I usually just love these kinds of movies (can’t wait for the new Pacific Rim), but I have to admit, even I was kind of over this one. Too much blowing stuff up. I get tired of that very quickly. Would rather have a good plot!

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  6. TheMumblr

    I enjoyed it for the most part. I just couldn’t wrap my head around the group entering a graveyard containing giant bones of the same animal that’s been kicking their ass since they got to the island, suggesting there must be something more terrifying awaiting them.

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  7. Sarca

    “Except fuck you, John Goodman.” LMAO. Hahaaa, I had no interest in this film, but you gone done an FU for how bad this is. I might check it out on the flip flop Kodi box or some’ng sometime…

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  8. D. Wallace Peach

    Why why why are they remaking these movies and doing such a poor job of it? At least do a poor job of making something new. Your review cracked me up. I’m sure my husband will be watching it on Netflix someday and I’ll remember this laugh. 🙂

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  9. speaksmovie

    Despite all your rage, I am still…wishing I’d seen this on a big screen if for nothing but the spectacle. But even that seems off according to this review, so I may just skip it altogether. Hate it when great actors are tamped down in huge ensembles.

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  10. Pingback: Same Song, Different Movie: Run Through The Jungle by Creedence Clearwater Revival | It Rains... You Get Wet

  11. Silver Screenings

    Bahaha! “Brie Larson’s amazing, never ending roll of film” = you said it! Plus, no special lenses?!

    I was expecting to HATE this movie, and I ended up enjoying it. It was great cheesy fun.

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