American Assassin

They make you wait 20 whole minutes before getting to Tom Cruise, and when they finally do, I realized I’d been duped. In fact, it was Michael Keaton being introduced, not Tom Cruise, and I’ve been mistaking American Assassin for American Made possibly for as long as either have existed.

American Assassin is about a kid who goes on vacation with his girlfriend and sees her and countless others get slaughtered on a beach. He does what any reasonable bloke would do: he grows regrettable facial hair, and decides to become a secret spy assassin. american-assassin-20172782Now, I can tell you in no uncertain terms that no dead girlfriend is worth growing that kind of tragic beard for. I can also tell you that this guy’s a doofus. I mean, a) his name is Mitch. Case closed. He’s played by that dude who’s in the Maze Runner movies, which is possibly why he believes he can just become a spy, and then does. He looks up terrorist on the internet, and then just shows up at their door. It’s just that easy. I mean, it doesn’t go well and he has to be emergency extracted by the CIA or whatever, but who’s counting? Revenge, baby! And then for some totally inexplicable reason, the CIA takes a liking to this renegade with pubic hair on his chin, and they decide to train him up so his spy game’s a little more on point. Cut to: Michael Keaton, who plays Stan, a tough as nails ex-NAVY seal who takes young Mitch under his grizzled old wing. They decide to become a lame crime fighting duo, and the bad guy is none other than Stan’s former protege, who coincidentally owns an atom bomb and holds a grudge, and together they put the ass back in assassin.

This genre is crowded as hell and the fact that I merged two movies with similar themes AND titles in my head is a bad, bad sign. Painfully generic. There, I said it. In fact, generic just texted me an angry face emoji because generic would honestly be a step in the right direction for this crap. Even Michael Keaton can’t save it, nor does he really appear to be trying. The script is just that bad. The maze runner, Dylan O’Brien is clearly  not his generation’s Tom Cruise, so  I guess I’m wondering….who is?

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37 thoughts on “American Assassin

  1. raistlin0903

    When the trailer first appeared for this one, I was really looking forward to this. Since then though pretty much every review I read for this movie has pretty much the same things to say about it than yours did. So yeah…I’m thinking to rent this but not going to add it to my dvd collection, sham..usually like films such as these.

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    1. ninvoid99

      I hope not. He’s evil. He just does the same old shit when we all know there’s a lot of talented actors wanting to do these kind of films that I’m sure could do a better job but no… we have to go with an aging dinosaur with an ego as big as his stupid nose.

      Liked by 3 people

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      1. thelonelyauthorblog

        Now, you’re going to set me off on sequels.

        I have two screenplays that I have tried to sell, and it is impossible to get your foot in the door. Meanwhile, Hollywood keeps producing the same crap.

        Sorry for the rant. It’s always a pleasure to read your reviews. Honest and funny.

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    1. Jay Post author

      Oh yeah, I’ve been known to rant on that myself – we have have a category just for ‘unnecessary sequels’ which all too many seem to be. Hollywood takes the least amount of risks of any business. And even new movies often look alike, and so many movies often come out in pairs
      Armageddon\Deep Impact
      Olympus has Fallen\White House Down
      Dante’s Peak\Volcano
      etc etc

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  2. Brittani

    I never saw this, but from the marketing/trailers. I’m kind of shocked at how much older Dylan O’Brien looks here than he does in the Maze Runner. It’s like the extra hair added a decade. lol

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  3. tubularsock

    Jay, a very clear review. But it has given Tubularsock an idea for the title for his next film.

    “Knock, Knock, Knocking on ISIS Door”

    You see it’s about a would be spy/assassin looking for a part time job.

    What do you think?

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  4. J.

    Aw man. What’s Michael Keaton doing in this? Maybe he thought he was signing up for the Tom Cruise one? Agent got them mixed up? That’s gotta be the only explanation.

    Liked by 1 person

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