The Vault

Two sisters (Taryn Manning, Francesca Eastwood) agree to pull a bank heist in order to save their brother. The siblings are split up, some guarding the hostages while others go in search of money. The bank manager (James Franco) sends them downstairs to a creepy subterranean bank vault that’s haunted as shit.Β  The stuff happening down there makes the bank robbery seem like a cakewalk. Those hostages don’t know how good they’ve got it! And the bank robbers don’t know what they’ve gotten themselves into.

MV5BNTUyMjlmZmEtNjIzMC00NmI5LWE1YTEtNjc5YTg1ZGFjOWMwXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyODU3NTQxMw@@._V1_The criminals are surprised how south this has gone, and how quickly. How are the cops already here? The tellers reluctantly tell them: the bank is haunted. The ghosts are the victims of another bank heist, an extraordinarily bloody and cruel one, and they’re not about to let another one go down if they can help it. Of course, you can warn the people in a horror movie all you want; they never listen. They never listen!

A known and admitted chicken shit, I can attest that some of this got to me. But some of the horror also struck me as downright silly, and I do not believe this was remotely intended as a horror-comedy. Horror-heist, perhaps, but it clearly fails at both of these at the same damn time. I started this movie two months ago (before James Franco was even on the #MeToo hit list) and abandoned it, too freaked out to keep going. The quick editing is the most effective – flashes of evil do more to prey on my imagination. I only took it up again in broad daylight, with 4 dogs cuddling me, and Sean wall-papering nearby (dogs pick up on tone – do you think the score of a horror movie is as disturbing to them as it is to me?).

The truth is, this movie wasn’t worth the extraordinary measures I’m forced to undertake just to survive it. I tend to stay away from scary movies because I know my limitations and I’m generally not good for anything worse than say Shaun of the Dead, but preferably ParaNorman. However, some exceptions must be made. Last year I knew that Get Out was one of the ages, a movie that transcends its genre. I saw it in theatres and kept myself from hyperventilating to death. Before that, I somehow managed to sit through The Witch at the New Hampshire Film Festival. It didn’t kill me but it sure as hell tried; its eerie atmosphere made for an incredible film but for me, it was just too much. My panic was so intense that for most of the movie I was simply eyeing the exits and praying for escape.

Now I’m on my way to SXSW where the opening film is a horror called A Quiet Place, directed and co-written by John Krasinski, whom I cannot believe would do me like this. The movie stars both himself and his lovely with Emily Blunt and they play the parents of a family forced to live in utter and complete silence, or else some unknown but terrifying thing will hunt and kill them. The trailer made me pee a bit. So how, dear readers, am I going to get through this one? Please, send your tips and tricks for surviving this movie. The gore doesn’t bother me. It’s the anticipation, the quiet moments, which this film will be filled to the brim with, fuck you very much John Krasinksi. I’ll be the one doing lamaze-type breathing, with or without a paper bag over my head. But don’t worry, I’m sure I’ll write a totally objective review!

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19 thoughts on “The Vault

  1. Katrina Morrison

    I am just like you about really scary movies. I have to watch them during the day with lots of stuff going on LOL Good Luck with A Quiet Place πŸ€πŸ€πŸ€πŸ€
    I look forward to that unbiased review πŸ˜‚

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  2. Liz A.

    Don’t bother to go. I know Get Out is one for the ages. I even recorded it on my DVR. But ultimately, I just couldn’t. It’s okay to avoid some genres. Not every movie is for every person. It’s totally fine to leave these films to the horror aficionados.

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  3. Widdershins

    I’m with the ‘don’t go’ crowd. Life’s too short to put yourself thorough something you know will affect you this way. If you must do a mea culpa, do a positive review for Zardoz! πŸ˜€

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  4. peggyatthemovies

    My favourite part – “They Never Listen” – hahahahahaha have fun at SXSW – I got sent an invite but it’s VERY expensive and I’m trying to save $$$ for a trip later this year. Will be sure to check out all the ‘scary’ from you!!

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  5. StephLove

    I haven’t seen Get Out yet and I used to teach a class on horror. My wife can’t watch horror at all and now that I have no professional reason to watch it alone, I don’t. I’m thinking the boy might watch it with me though. He’s almost 17.

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  6. EclecticMusicLover

    I’m like you Jay. I love suspense in films like “Vertigo,” but I cannot handle gruesome horror. It’s for that reason I cannot watch hit TV shows like “American Horror Story” or “Walking Dead.”

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  7. Pingback: SXSW: A Quiet Place | ASSHOLES WATCHING MOVIES

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