This movie seems overly complicated and unworthy of my full attention, so I’m immediately fiddling around with different things, multi-tasking with Netflix making noise in the background, Sean filling me in on important details he knows I’m inevitably missing.
I feel like the premise is this: somewhere in the universe there’s a dark tower which prevents dark (bad?) things from happening to us (more than they already do?). Its guardian is a gunslinger named Roland (Idris Elba). Its nemesis is a man who presumably also has a name but I keep just hearing him called The Man In Black (Matthew McConaughey). Oh, it’s Walter. Walter is a bad guy, I think. He and his cronies keep kidnapping children from Earth because apparently the tower can be toppled by the mind of a child, which seems deliberately obfuscating. Much like the word obfuscating. So they strap kids into a contraption that looks worrisomely like an electric chair, and it somehow concentrates a beam of their thoughts (?) onto the tower, which absorbs the damage. So far the tower remains upright, but every time it gets hit, Earth thinks it’s having an earthquake, and presumably the rest of the universe is feeling it too.
This whole thing is happening off-world but a peculiar kid by the name of Jake has been dreaming of it and isn’t overly surprised when he has to go on the lam from phony seam-faced psychiatric workers. He hides out in an abandoned building and Sean shouts “The wall just moved…like a dimensional portal.” [Insert Jay looking at Sean like ‘Oh, is there such a thing? An exact way a wall can “move” to “suggest” a “portal”?] And then a portal appears and the kid steps through because why the hell not, he’s 11 years old, time to get some hair on those balls, and now he’s on some parallel universe where his dream sketches have come alive [ugh dream sketches, such a tired trope].