Is this the most ludicrous and offensive Hallmark movie plot ever? Check this and vote: two adult females, educated, employed school teachers, are so embroiled in a petty rivalry, one they’ve apparently nurtured since childhood, that when they’re both attracted to the same man, they turn a winter festival that’s supposed to be about the kids into their own bet-settling, bake-off showdown.

Although both these women sound equally pathetic, the script clearly plays favourites. Christie (Erin Krakow) is the one we’re supposed to root for. And the man she’s chasing, James (David Haydn-Jones), is the father of a new student in her class. Is that not…professionally if not morally unethical? Conflict of interest? Asking for trouble? A fireable offense? Penny (Miranda Frigon) teaches literally across the hall from her, so even their class raffle ticket sales become contentious, and may I just point out that they teach the SECOND GRADE. Anyway, Hallmark scripts are way too prim and proper to come out and say this, so I will for them: Penny is a real bitch.

I don’t know what’s so great about James, but Christie and Penny both throw themselves at him, and when that doesn’t result in any immediate, clear-cut winner, the bake-off scheme somehow becomes their method of settling things. The only problem is, Penny is a good baker and Christie doesn’t bake at all. She’s got only a couple of days to learn, to develop her own recipes, and to win not one but four different events, each of them judged by Alan Thicke. Or, well, Alan Thicke playing local restaurateur Chef Kroeger, who takes the daintiest bites of cookie you’ve ever seen, and still feels fit to judge the thing based on mere crumbs. A marriage is at stake here, Alan!

The rules of Hallmark clearly state that leading ladies are always fully covered, throat to knees (calves preferred, ankles optional); the clothes are ultra conservative, and usually topped with a cardigan, topped with a Christmas broach. Even Penny plays by these rules, but she does wear (the same) pair of 6 inch heels throughout the movie – yes, even while teaching. Six inch heels are clearly Hallmark for slut. Christie wears heels also, like a good little lady, but hers are at a modest height befitting a marriageable young woman of good breeding and virtue. Added bonus: they’re all the better for dramatically ripping off stupid whore garland from the Christmas tree when it fails to nail down a husband (Hallmark logic!), garland of course being the 6 inch heels of Christmas trees.

A movie like this probably sets feminism back at least a baker’s dozen years, and worse still, it sullies the good name of cookies, which, I assure you, are merely the innocent bystanders of this train wreck.