Hot Tub Time Machine 2

Dear Adam Scott,

I have watched and enjoyed you on Parks and Rec. You are cute and witty and charming, and so I’m telling you, as a friend, that your agent fucking hates you.

You know who’s too good for John Cusack’s sloppy seconds? YOU ARE. But did your agent tell you that? No he did not. A quick glance at your IMDB profile tells me he’s been feeding you shite for years. Does your agent appear to have a rampant addiction? Do you think it’s possible you are feeding that addiction with your 10%? Because a normal agent is supposed to stand 95bdHot-Tub-Time-Machine-2-Clips-Trailers-reviewsbetween you and sodomy. I mean, I don’t think that’s what it technically says on their business cards, but it’s definitely part of the job. Since you are paying dearly for their services, then the script that would have your testicles spurting a milky substance into Rob Corddry’s face should never reach the light of day. It should be tossed in the Pauly Shore pile, or maybe Rob Schneider’s. Possibly Danny McBride’s. But since it ended up in your hands, Adam, and you were somehow convinced to sign on, then I can only surmise that your junkie agent is also a charismatic cult leader deft at brain washing and mind control. That’s the only logical explanation for this movie, and your presence in it.

So for the love of Adam Scott, Internet, will you please band together, so we can FREE ADAM SCOTT! FREE ADAM SCOTT! FREE ADAM SCOTT!

Yours truly, with concern, compassion, and zero tolerance for unnecessary sequels,

The Assholes

xo

Pitch Perfect 2

Welp.

It managed to earn $70 million in its opening weekend, more than the $65 million the original earned during its entire domestic theatrical run back in 2012. The only other sequel to have out-earned its original in the first weekend was Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me, so rest easy, Internet, we’re in good company.

Pitch Perfect The First was a bit of a gamble for me, having a raging hate-on for Anna Kendrick and all, but the Fat Amy effect seemed to mitigate the bad Anna juju. And I managed to look past the Miley Cyrus tribute with generous applications of ladies of the 80s, and forgave a song featuring the actually-talented Sia being referred to as “that David Guetta jam” (FUCKING BULLET TO MY HEAD). All things considered,  totting up the pluses and the minuses, I found that it was a slightly net positive. Win.

perfectpitchThe sequel, however, has left me feeling distinctly negative. My sister, a fan of the first, felt the music was lacking this time around. Except for some 90s hip hop, it was. There are some scenes that are blatantly trying to reignite the flame of the first, but none are entirely successful, and some are incredibly not. But what really stood out for me was how offensively one-dimensional  some of the characters are. Character development is a joke – we don’t learn anything new about anyone, but some are reduced to stereotypes that should shame us all.

Ester Dean is back as Cynthia Rose, and to be honest, I’m surprised she even has a name because as her character is actually reduced to saying in the movie, she’s the black lesbian, and she does nothing in the film (beside providing the requisite rap interludes – and she actually has a lovely voice) is remind us how she’s a lesbian, which means she can’t help constantly macking on every single woman around her. Like, grope her friends’ breasts and try to take advantage of a sleepover situation. She has absolutely no other character traits or back story until at the very end she proclaims that she’s moving to Maine to have a gay wedding and we’re all invited! Does she have a partner? We’ve certainly never heard of her before this moment, and she remains unnamed, which is maybe for the best since just a tiny bit before this her supposed fiancée is molesting her mates, because as you know, gay people are walking same-sex hard-ons and no one is safe from their sloppy gay groping, especially not their close personal friends.

Meanwhile, Chrissie Fit is brought on board this time to fulfill the role of illegal immigrant whoPitch Perfect 2 reminds everyone how lucky they are to be in college without apparently having to attend a single class or work a job or worry about tuition or the job market, let alone having diarrhea for 7 years like she did back in Guatemala. Her plans for the future? To be deported immediately upon graduation, of course! But don’t worry, all the white girls go on to have happy, well-rounded lives. Well, the thin ones at least.

This movie is Elizabeth Banks’ first turn behind the camera, though I believe she also produced the first one. I wish I could support a movie that has a female screenwriter AND director AND a whole bevy of stars, but no. This one’s a perfect pass. Kudos on the Snoop cameo though. Now that was pitch perfect.

Mad Max: Fury Road

Wow! I was excited going in to Mad Max last night. I was expecting something crazy and strange.  I got that, only ten times more crazy and strange than I thought. And that is a very, very good thing.

I saw the three Mel Gibson Mad Maxes a long time ago. I don’t remember much except for snippets (the end of #1, the hockey mask guy and tanker chase in #2, the Thunderdome and a bunch of kids in #3). So your mileage may vary but for me, Tom Hardy more than fills Mel Gibson’s shoes. He is amazing. He only has about ten lines in the whole movie but he really doesn’t need to say anything more for us to know what he’s thinking because we are thinking the exact same thing (usually, “What the hell is happening?”). Max isn’t crazy, he’s us. And together we go on a mind-blowing ride through his world/what’s left of ours.

I really don’t want to say anything more. Just see this movie for yourself. I am not promising you will like it (though if you like seeing shit blow up this has to be the one to see in 2015). But they really threw everything into this and made a spectacle. And it is glorious.

Mad Max: Fury Road earns a well deserved rating of 44 chrome-mouthed trips to Valhalla out of ten.

The Other Woman

The premise: Leslie Mann discovers that her husband is cheating on her with Cameron Diaz, and together they discover that he’s cheating on both of them with Kate Upton. This weird chain could have continued ad nauseam (even though I’m already nauseous enough) despite the fact that the cheater in question is not that good-looking and not very charming. How did he land any, let alone all of these women?

otherwomanAnd why, why must they resort to revenge? And why can script writers only ever think up the same exact 3 forms of revenge? And why must an explosive poop incident always be first and foremost among them?

Why do we keep retelling the men-are-scum story? Has it ever soothed a scorned woman?  And isn’t it quite degrading to men that we’re continuing to perpetuate this men-just-can’t-help-themselves stereotype? And what is it about our society that we can extract comedy from infidelity and broken marriages?

It also makes you feel a bit bad for Leslie Mann. First, she’s forced into the role of the “least attractive.” And then they make her do all the work too. You have to give it to her, she’ll go for broke, but I hate the forced physical comedy. It’s demeaning. It feels desperate for laughs, cheap laughs, and it’s not like I have high expectations for a Cameron Diaz vehicle but honestly – aren’t we getting a little old for this?

German Language Films

TMP

Matt

First, we’d like to send our weekly Thank You to Wandering Through the Shelves for encouraging us to broaden our horizons. Because one can’t survive on a diet of Office Space and superhero movies alone, this week we tried to catch up on the German-language movies that we’ve missed. I for one had some serious catching up to do. If not, I would have been stuck picking Das Boot or something.

I re-watched Michael Haneke’s The White Ribbon (2009) to keep its complex themes and Funny Gamesnarratives fresh enough in my mind to be able to write about it. As I struggled once again to read the subtitles camoufalged by the black and white background, I thought about the impact that Haneke’s sadistic Funny Games (1997) had on me. A few months ago, I blasted Haneke’s rationale for his brutal and twisted home invasion story. While at first I resented being shamed for sitting through torture porn, I now appreciate the film for what it made me think about and the discussions it inspired with some of you. Also, while at first I was struck by the film’s sadism, now in retrospect I find myself admiring its restraint.

counterfeitersI’m only just now getting around to 2007’s Oscar-winning The Counterfeiters. Stefan Ruzowitsky’s film tells the true story of a counterfeiting operation within within a concentration camp manned by Jewish prisoners forced by the Nazis to make loads of fake currency. The counterfeiters face a dilemma. Helping the Nazis complete their mission could help them win the war bu failing to meet their deadline could get them executed. Not all the prisoners agree on how to proceed and the tensions between them separate this from other Holocaust movies by focusing on the characters and their complex thoughts and feelings.

Finally, Revanche (2008) tells the story of a cop who kills an accompliceto a bank robbery in the revancheline of duty and the dead girl’s bank robber boyfriend who has sworn revenge. The cop’s wife gets caught in the middle Departed-style. There’s nothing sexy about being either a cop or a crook in this movie and nothing exciting about using your gun. The weight of a single act of violence is felt by everyone involved throughout the movie as both men carry a crushing feeling of guilt with them everywhere they go. Revanche means both revenge and new beginning. This movie’s about both.

 

Jay

Screw you, German language films. I waded my way through Metropolis (a 1927, 2.5 hour black and white non-talkie monstrosity about “the future”) and A Coffee in Berlin (a greasy, effeminate James McAvoy lookalike whines his way around cafes), and bits and pieces of The Blue Angel (Marlene Dietrich failed to inspire) and Christiane F. (mostly a David Bowie tribute) and I decided, fuck this, I’m just gonna talk about Werner Herzog instead.

wernerHerzog is a German film director, producer, screenwriter, author, actor, and (apparently) opera director, considered to be one of the greatest heavyweights in New German Cinema. Roger Ebert once said that Herzog “has never created a single film that is compromised, shameful, made for pragmatic reasons or uninteresting. Even his failures are spectacular.”

At age 14, he was inspired by an encyclopedia entry about filmmaking, which he claims gave him “everything I needed to get myself started” as a filmmaker – well, that plus the 35mm camera he stole from the Munich Film School. Oh, sorry, Werner, “I don’t consider it theft—it was just a necessity—I had some sort of natural right for a camera, a tool to work with.” Artist, thief, sometimes both.

I know him and love him especially for his documentaries. In fact, Grizzly Man might be the grizzlymanweirdest and most spectacular documentary I’ve ever seen. It’s about this grizzly bear “enthusiast” Timothy Treadwell who loved them so much he decided to live among them. He believed himself to be to be the Jane Goodall to bears, spending something like 13 summers with them, but he was also kind of an idiot, shooting Steve Irwin-like footage that no one asked for while ignoring the number one rule that even children know about bears. You need to watch this film. Ebert, delighted and appalled by the film, said that Treadwell “deserved” Herzog.

Herzog once promised to eat his shoe if Errol Morris finally finished a film project he’d been working on for years. In 1978, when Morris’ film Gates of Heaven premiered, Werner publicly cooked then ate his shoe, an event capture and made into a documentary by Les Blank (called Werner Herzog Eats His Shoe). Herzog hoped to encourage others to tackle incomplete work, but he could never be mistaken for a slouch himself.

IntoTheAbyssIn Into The Abyss, Herzog changes direction a bit. There’s not much narration, and he doesn’t appear on-screen. Instead, he lets a convicted murderer on death row tell about the crimes he says he didn’t commit just 8 days shy of his impeding execution. The film doesn’t dwell on guilt or innocence. Although Herzog is upfront about being anti-capital punishment, the movie is mostly apolitical but seeks simply to contribute to the conversation.

Werner Herzog always picks interesting subjects to study, but he himself is nothing short of a fascinating one himself.

 

The Showdown

After world domination by Furious 7 and The Avengers, a couple of palette-cleansers are hitting theatres this week: Mad Max: Fury Road, and Pitch Perfect 2. Still, sadly, not an original thought between them, but I have it on good authority that The Rock appears in neither, and that’s gotta count for something.

Pitch Perfect 2

I was a little late to the party seeing the first one. I kind of hate Anna Kendrick and her horse teeth and avoid her as much as I can (which is fine, we rarely attend the same parties – I like artisinal cocktails, and she prefers hay). However, my sisters sold this to me. At least two of them, and maybe even 3, saw it together, and I vividly remember them reenacting Rebel Wilson’s “mermaid dance” on Mom’s kitchen floor. There were a lot of giggles. There may have also been a lot of daiquiris, because there usually are if no one is pregnant, but for the last 4 years that’s been a big if.

For the second one I expect that Kendrick is back to her neighing, along with a stable full of girls for harmony, but Rebel Wilson is usually the lube that makes the whole thing bearable, and it just so happens that the babiest of my baby sisters is visiting me this weekend all the way from Charlottetown and I’m keen to keep the mermaid love alive.

Mad Max: Fury Road

I don’t think they purposefully set out to find the complete opposite to Pitch Perfect to compete with it this weekend, but I do think that’s exactly what happened. I can’t quite remember the first time I saw the trailer to this movie on the big screen but I think it nearly eclipsed whatever movie I was seeing at the time. I couldn’t even tell you if the movie looked good or bad, it just looked BANANAS. And plot? Bah! This looks as plotless as a nightmare and just as sinister.

So which one are you going to see?

The Cobbler

Adam Sandler The CobblerNot a super duper movie, but for once it’s not Adam Sandler’s fault! He reins in his inner moron  to give a modest but adequate performance. In Hebrew his name, Sandler, means cobbler so it’s fitting that he plays the Brooklyn shoe maker resentfully hanging on to a business his father owned and abandoned when he abruptly left his family.

One night Sandler stumbles on a secret hidden in the basement: if you mend shoes using an antique machine, you can become the shoes’ owners simply by wearing them. This is just the escape he was needing – to slip into 031215-music-method-man-the-cobblersomeone else’s skin, live a more glamourous life, see the city or even just the neighbourhood from someone else’s eyes. This is where The Cobbler becomes Freaky Friday. The body swap schtick means that Method Man gets to do his meanest Adam Sandler impression, and mostly fails. Dan Stevens does passably better, but his time in the film is short.

At any rate, this is a pretty neat party trick that fails to develop into anything exciting or worthwhile. In fact, the results lack any imagination whatsoever. You kind of feel like the director content_Ellen-Barkindangled the carrot, and then put the carrot in his pocket and walked away. Critics on Rotten Tomato have it sitting at a limp 9% although he’s got his mother beat, and his lover too (Reese Witherspoon played his angelic mother in Little Nicky; her film Hot Pursuit’s currently at 7%. Kevin James, who played his pretend boyfriend in Chuck and Larry, is sitting at 6% for Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2). Audiences, however, are much more generous with middle of the road reviews, calling it “watchable,” “potentially charming” and “a slight step up from Adam Sandler’s recent comedies.” Hear that? That’s the sound of ringing endorsements!

A Veteran’s Christmas

When Captain Grace Garland returns home from two tours of duty with the Marines, there’s no one at the airport to greet her, no poster board with her name on it, no half-wilted but well-intentioned bouquet of flowers, no weeping mother or horny husband or gleeful children, or even a welcome home lick from the dog who’s been missing her. And everyone who’s been away should be missed.

Driving herself home, she gets into a minor accident, and a sweet, sweet puppy named Justice finds and leads her to a nearby farm. Turns out, Grace is a dog lover, having worked with them in the canine unit of explosive detection and search and rescue in Afghanistan. So she knocks on the puppy’s door, and her owner is the handsome owner of some antibiotic cream. Grace is happy to spend a little extra time giving Justice belly rubs because she’s had to leave behind her dog, the verygoodboy named Christmas. The holidays are making her sad as they just remind her of her best four-legged friend.

Meanwhile, Grace’s owner Joe is the town’s judge, the kind of judge who commutes a teenager’s speeding ticket in exchange for a promise that he’ll go to college. It is all kinds of trite and eye-rolly. And Joe may be a judge, but he’s got some pretty crappy judgment, particularly as he tries to prevent Grace from leaving the very town he himself plans to leave. If he likes Grace, and we all know that’s pretty much baked into the premise, he’s got a weird way of showing it.

This holiday is nothing special, not even very noticeable. Perhaps if you’re wanting to pair Christmas romance with some good old fashioned law and order, you’re in luck? Does that sound desirable in any way? It’s a bit of a tough sell, but at least there’s cute doggies!

Hot Pursuit

I’m having a hard time writing anything about this movie because it really didn’t make an impression. If you don’t have what it takes to be good, then at least have the decency to be bad, and mean it. This one just kind of meanders along the line of blandly okay when it’s not veering too close to annoying (or god forbid, racial caricature), but I did, in all honesty, stumble upon some genuine giggles along the way, so not without merit, but mostly meritless.

Actually, if you mention the title to almost anyone, the reply more than half the time is “Which one is that?” And that’s about all the review you need. It’s forgettable. It follows the formula HARD and colours within the lines even harder. Shotpursuitean and I went for drinks before this movie, and when the waitress asked what we were seeing, she responded “Oh, the Cameron Diaz one with that Latino woman?”. Yup, that’s the one.

I wanted to like this movie; you want to like this movie; we all want to get on board. How often does a movie starring women get produced and directed by them as well? This one does, but instead of celebrating it we’re all just kind of looking at our shoelaces.

It’s awkward when a likeable star fails. Reese showed real comedic chops when she did Elle in Legally Blonde, or even better: Tracy Flick in Election. She has an Oscar and her own production company so what the heck is she doing saying yes to a barely mediocre script (a script trying to ride on the coat tails of barely mediocre The Heat) in a vaguely offensive movie?

hot-pursuit-reese-witherspoon-sofia-vergaraReese is charming, and even appears to be having fun, but Sofia Vergara isn’t quite up to the task. Poor woman only has one speed, and without the wit of Modern Family, it starts to feel like Latina parody rather than an actual character. I never got the appeal of Vergara. She looks like a drag queen to me, with everything dialed constantly up to 11. Opposite Reese it’s even more vulgar, and the one-notedness more glaring and irritating.

Hot Pursuit is entirely missable. Full steam ahead to Mad Max: Fury Road and please baby Cheesus let it be good.

Under the Skin (is Under Mine)

Under the Skin is described as a science-fiction-horror-art film. I hardly know how to talk about Scarlett Johansson as this alien seductress but what I can’t help talking about is the thing that’s still haunting me three days later: the score.

It was composed by the brilliant Mica Levi (and produced by Peter Raeburn, who recommended her to director Jonathan Glazer). Mica primarily used the viola to write and record the music, deliberately seeking out the most “identifiably human” sounds the instrument could make. She

Insert creepy music here

Insert creepy music here

then altered the pitch and sometimes the tempo of these sounds to “make it feel uncomfortable” which she accomplished with crazy amounts of success, I tell you what. It made me monumentally, UNCOUNTABLY uncomfortable.

Glazer had her writing music to express Johansson’s feelings as her character experiences things for the first time, with the music following and reflecting her in real time, so to speak – “What does it sound like to be on fire?” he asked of her, and oddly, she had an answer. Another scene where the alien Scarlett attempts to eat cake is a stand-out for me, but is actually accompanied solely be the normal clatter of a popular family diner. The stark absence of scoring is as jarring as the creepy, otherworldly music can be.

The greasy, sinister sound of the viola is accompanied by percussion whenever a new man (victim?) follows Scarlett into the abyss. This music is unrelenting and aggressive, and it repeats with each new conquest. In an article for The Guardian, Levi wrote: “Some parts are intended to

Mica Levi, photo by Steven Legere

be quite difficult. If your life force is being distilled by an alien, it’s not necessarily going to sound very nice. It’s supposed to be physical, alarming, hot.” Well, I’ll give her alarming. And unnerving. The sound is experimental, but at times she can get a whole orchestra in on it and it gives you the shivers.

Pitchfork wrote that “the strings sometimes resemble nails going down a universe-sized chalkboard, screaming with a Legeti-like sense of horror.” There’s nothing hummable or toe-tappable in this soundtrack, but it’s filled with innovative sounds that your body reacts to on a visceral, immediate level, leaving your mind racing to catch up.

I still can’t get those strings out of my head. They contribute to an audio-visual experience that’s unequal parts tension, perversion, anticipation, anxiety, and a big ole dose of the willies. The willies! Oh man, tonally and aesthetically this movie is disturbing. I’m disturbed, guys. There’s no going back.