Guest House

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Remember Pauly Shore? If you’d forgotten and I just reminded you, I’m sorry. If you’d forgotten and prefer to keep it that way, read no more.

Pauly’s back and he’s the exact same as ever, except worse because now he’s old and I’m not high.

Blake (Mike Castle) and Sarah (Aimee Teegarden) are a young couple who’ve just bought a new home with a beautiful backyard. There’s just the one problem: there’s someone in the guest house. And yes, it’s Pauly Shore. He’s calling himself Randy Cockfield in this movie but doing absolutely nothing to disguise himself. Pauly Shore never could act, except in the “acting like a demented ass with no filter and no taste” sense. Anyway, Randy is the tenant from hell, throwing obscene parties, damaging property, and violating boundaries like they don’t even exist in the first place.

Blake, apparently a reformed party boy (though Sarah’s dad, Billy Zane, still does not approve), vows to wage war against their squatter, but in truth he somehow gets sucked in. And then out. And then back in, and so on. Which is a problem because when Blake and Randy are buds, they party together, and things get so wildly out of control, Sarah winds up picking him up from the police station. And when Blake and Randy are enemies, their juvenile pranks get so wildly out of hand, Sarah winds up picking him up from the police station. In both scenarios, she’s threatening to leave.

But she doesn’t. Because Sarah’s pretty shitty too. Maybe not as shitty as Pauly Shore and her no good, Pauly Shore wannabe boyfriend, but since she’s agreeing to marry at least one of them on the very same day she was tearfully telling Billy Zane she just couldn’t do it anymore, she doesn’t get a pass. Plus, she has some pretty shitty friends. I mean, so does Blake. Definitely shitty. And so does Pauly. Ugh. So shitty. They have shitty friends because they’re awful people and they all deserve each other and there’s absolutely nobody in this movie to root for.

Guest House is an absolute mess of things that don’t make sense and things you wish you could unsee. I had no problem with Shore being alive when he wasn’t bothering me by making movies, but if he’s threatening to “revive” his “career,” I’m going to suggest we bury him Encino style, deep enough to make sure that if he’s ever unearthed, I’ll be dead and gone and he can’t hurt me anymore. His weasel persona had a 3 movie expiration date in the 90s and his resurrection is both unwanted and offensive – especially since he seems to be bringing Steve-o along with him? Double ugh. Go ahead and dig that hole big enough for two bodies and toss em both in. And while you’ve got the shovel out, go ahead and give my head a big ole whack – I know I can’t get these 84 minutes back but the least you could do is try to brain injury the memory away.

The Jinkx and DeLa Holiday Special

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I couldn’t call myself a fan of RuPaul’s Drag Race if I didn’t gallop over to BenDeLaCreme’s site to rent The Jinkx & DeLa Holiday Special just as soon as I could. BenDeLaCreme (DeLa for short) was one my all-time favourites on Drag Race, except for the fact that she left in disgrace – not because she lost, but because she chose herself for elimination. Criminy!

DeLa and Jinkx Monsoon work together often (including in the recent Happiest Season) and have a wonderful chemistry. They’ve written the script together and they’ve got their flavour stamped all over it, which is probably why it’s so sticky.

The premise: DeLa wants to give Jinkx the perfect Christmas, with winter wonderlands, sugar plum dreams, and plenty of good old fashioned Christmas traditions. Jinkx, however, is not so keen on the whole Christmas scene. She grew up much less privileged; Santa never spoiled her and the holidays never seemed all that great. Plus, aren’t traditions those things upheld by people who don’t like gays or drag queens? DeLa can’t believe it: did she not even have a family eggnog recipe?

I didn’t grow up with a family eggnog recipe either, to be honest. Not everyone is into salmonella punch, especially not the kind animated by dead grandmas. Which DeLa’s is. Nana Nanog is still deeply invested in seeing DeLa carry out the family traditions, and luckily, our favourite drag queens have a variety of musical numbers planned for us to increase the merry and turn up the jolly.

Numbers like ‘Passive Aggressive Christmas’ and ‘Everyone Is Traumatized by Christmas’ indicate the kind of inclusivity this special is aiming for: the holidays are hard, might as well drink until they go away. Or until you see the Baby Jesus bopping around in a pair of sunglasses and a diaper.

Walt, our miniature dachshund who will be 6 months old on Christmas Day, seemed to love Santa Fa La La (he barked at all the fa la las), but I had a super fun time with their new twist on classics like Baby It’s Cold Outside, the popular holiday song with rape vibes, now rewritten to recount how God convinced Mary to put his baby inside her, and the Nativity Twist, which reclaims the birth of Christ as a feel-good, dance-heavy, nice time.

As you would expect from such drag professionals as Jinkx and DeLa, the looks are on point, the wigs are big, the shoes are high, the makeup is excessive, the costumes are spectacular and numerous. It is most certainly NOT a family-friendly affair if you don’t want your kinds finding out what rhymes with ‘bare-backing’ this Christmas, but for the rest of us, it’s exactly the celebration we deserve this year.

Find The Jinkx and DeLa Holiday Special on Hulu if you’re in the U.S., and for rent on their site if you’re not.

Good Morning Christmas!

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Melissa Merry and Brian Bright are the hosts of America’s #1 morning TV show; they play a pair of beaming colleagues for the camera but the minute it stops rolling they’re actually always at each other’s throats. Melissa (Alison Sweeney) prefers the rehearsed approach, while Brian (Marc Blucas) likes to improvise, and insists they’re both better without a teleprompter, which may be true, but his lack or preparation does mean Melissa often has to swoop in and save him. After spending the last year squabbling, the network is honouring Brian’s request to break his contract. As Melissa searches for a replacement, the two are sent to a festive small town where they’ll be shooting live on location for the last week before Christmas, and the last week of their show together. They’ll have to pretend to get along for the sake of appearances, which is a rule neither is keen to follow.

Their taped segments include all your holiday favourites: ice skating, gingerbread making, ugly Christmas sweater wearing. And somewhere amid all this forced cheer, Melissa and Brian will actually start to get cozy and discover there’s more to each other than they thought.

Will the Merry & Bright morning show live to see another day? Have you ever seen a hotel room so overwhelmingly decorated for Christmas? Is the only thing worse than an ugly Christmas sweater an ugly Christmas Hawaiian shirt? Did Kelly Ripa and Michael Strahan sue when they realized how closely this relationship mimics theirs?

This Hallmark movie truly has it all, even very questionable morals when the show’s producer decides to invade her stars’ privacy, and send spy cameras to capture their romantic declaration live, without their knowledge or consent. It’s dicey. It’s risky. But will it pay off???

Christmas At The Plaza

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Historian Jessica (Elizabeth Henstridge) is hired to honour the great tradition of Christmas at the Plaza hotel with a holiday exhibit. The archive room is as vast as it is dusty and she hardly knows where to begin. Luckily head bellman Reginald (Bruce Davison) tells her about the lobby Christmas tree’s traditional finial d’arbre, the beautiful custom ornament that tops the tree. Each year at the Plaza, a new and unique finial sits atop the tree for all to admire. Creating her display around these beautiful baubles, she begins to piece together a story that unites Christmases across the decades and generations. There’s only one problem: one finial is missing, and even the records are blank. What happened in 1969, and how will Jessica find out?

A second piece of luck: Nick (Ryan Paevey) is the handsome decorated hired to deck the Plaza’s halls this years, and he’s on board to help her sort out her exhibit AND crack the mystery. The only thing surer than these two falling in love along the way is that the mystery of the missing ornament will also be romantical in nature. It is the Hallmark way. It’s what we’re all here for, and Hallmark delivers as assuredly as Santa.

Julia Duffy was a pleasure to see as the Plaza’s humourless manager. There was a surprising Alfred Hitchcock Easter egg, a nod to North by Northwest, if you’re playing close attention. The decorations are fabulous, the Christmas karaoke is baffling, and Ms. Henstridge sports the perfect shade of berry for a holiday lip look.

Finding Santa

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Grace (Jodie Sweetin) runs a year-round Christmas store and is now the third generation of her family to run the town’s Christmas parade, now in its 50th year. It’s become so well-known that this year it’ll be featured on national (morning) television! Grace really has her hands full. She wasn’t counting on Tom (Jay Brazeau), aka The Best Santa Ever (per the New York Times?), pulling a slip and fall ahead of the big day and breaking his arm in two places. Oh the brittle bones of the elderly, fudging up Christmas. The network is threatening to pull their coverage without him (and strangely, they came before they knew he existed), so Grace is under a lot of pressure to cast a new, perfect Santa. The good news: Tom actually runs a Santa school in the off season. The bad news: this late in the game, they’re all booked up. Curse their in-demand professionalism!

You may have seen this coming, but there is one man who would be a fitting replacement, Tom’s son, Ben (Eric Winter), who is a fully trained but non-practicing Santa. Having been raised to one day take over the fat man’s suit, Ben came to resent Christmas and all things Santa, so stays away for the holidays, and has no problem flat-out refusing their request, even in the face of some pretty pathetic pleading. Determined not to fail, Grace pursues him all the way to Boston, but while she fails to secure him, they do experience some inclement weather and get snowed in in a place that just happens to rediscover his dormant Christmas spirit.

Will the roads reopen in time to save the parade? Will the mayor’s son relinquish his spot on Santa’s sleigh? Will Ben revive his Christmas spirit or will Grace lose hers? My friends, the Hallmark channel has it all, and it is truly yours to discover. Happy holidays!

The Charm Bracelet / A Little Christmas Charm

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Holly (Ashley Greene) works in a vintage shop with her best friend, Megan. While stocking shelves with new thrift store finds, they come across a charm bracelet in a coat pocket – surely not meant to have been donated away, it must have snagged on something and fallen off. Holly suspects that the bracelet’s owner is missing it keenly as the charms all seem to meaningful in one way or another – two mark the birth of a child, so the rest must be life milestones as well. Vowing to track down the owner and return the bracelet by Christmas, Holly hits the streets of New York City, because how hard could it be to find a braceletless woman in such a small town?

First stop, her father’s jewelry store, where he uses a loupe to unearth the first clue. There she also runs into Greg (Brendan Penny), whom she’d “met cute” the night before when he spilled her cake, but who turns out to be a crack reporter who’s looking for some “soft news” to report on – something exactly like a missing bracelet and the search to return it to its rightful owner. Reluctantly, Holly agrees to work with Greg, and soon the two of them are chasing down clues all over the city, even dressing up in 1930s gear to board a steam engine for absolutely no reason a phone call wouldn’t have done in a fraction of the time and effort. This poor time management eventually catches up to them. Greg is, after all, working toward a Christmas deadline. Meanwhile, the two are enjoying spending time together. She meets his mom, he admires the jewelry she makes in her spare time, intimacies are exchanged (though no kisses, obvi).

Will Holly find the bracelet owner before the holidays? Has the owner just been going around with a naked wrist this whole time? How does Greg not know what a trilby is? How many scammers will pretend the bracelet is theirs? And will Holly’s pregnant friend that I’ve yet to mention possibly hold in her baby until the mystery is solved? All this AND MORE on the Hallmark channel.

The Midnight Sky

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We meet scientist Augustine (George Clooney) on a very bad day for humanity. The inevitability that climate change has been predicting for years is finally here, and in the end, it goes so much more quickly than we ever imagined. Augustine works at an Arctic station that is being frantically evacuated on this particular day, people rushing home to be with loved ones as they wait to die, and in a matter of just days, they do. The toxic air will take a few days more to reach the Arctic, so Augustine stays behind, alone. At least he thinks he is until he discovers a little girl (Caoilinn Springall) who’s been left behind, but by the time she’s found, Augustine can no longer reach anyone else. These two may be the last humans alive on Earth.

BUT. There are 5 more humans still alive in space, astronauts that have been on a 2 year mission to assess a newly discovered planet for viability. And indeed it does appear to be the promised land, able to sustain human life. Except for everyone on Earth, it’s too late.

With his communications down, Augustine makes the difficult decision to try to reach another station. On foot. In the quickly melting, deteriorating Arctic landscape. Racing against toxic air. With a little girl in tow. Easy journey, you say? It is not. But Augustine’s got an urgent message for those aboard the starship: don’t come home. Turn back.

The five people aboard that starship are Sully (Felicity Jones), who is pregnant in space, her baby daddy and boss Adewole (David Oyelowo), plus Sanchez (Demián Bichir), Maya (Tiffany Boone), and Mitchell (Kyle Chandler), none of whom knew they were signing up to be the last earthlings/the ones who would need to repopulate humanity. What an awful burden to put on anyone, but it’s either that, or death. Which would you choose?

Sean didn’t love this movie because he found it cold, and I don’t think that’s just a temperature thing (although poor George had to limit takes to 1 minute, and use a hair dryer to thaw his eyelashes between takes). There’s no room in the movie for recriminations but thanks to a subtle and clever script by Mark L. Smith (based on Lily Brooks-Dalton’s book, Good Morning, Midnight), we know that Augustine is disgusted by humanity, by the fate we chose for ourselves. The movie very quickly divorces itself from Earth, which is over, and I can understand feeling untethered by that. I myself found it a fascinating corner of the human psyche to explore and discover.

Who are we at the end of the world? Augustine’s life’s work revolved around solving this problem, and now he’s watching it all come to naught. Were his sacrifices worth it? It is a powerful accounting of one’s life that takes place when it can be so starkly measured, and through flashbacks we sense that he’s feeling some regret. The astronauts too are facing a similar hardship. Imagine having come so close, having landed on a planet that could save humanity only to learn that they’re just a little too late. Oh, and that everything and everyone that they knew and loved are dead. And that they can never go home again, in every sense of the expression, that their fates now lie on a strange and unpopulated planet where, best case scenario, their kids will be committing incest for generations.

I love a movie like this that has me trying on so many different shoes to see how they feel. How it feels to fail on such a devastating scope. How it feels to actually face the extinction of the Earth, which seems like such a theoretical concept until the reality is burning in your lungs. And yet to also be in a place where guilt and regret no longer matter. Where not even grief and tears matter because we can only mourn what we have lost, or what we are leaving behind, and neither of those things apply when everything is blinking out at the same time. There are no legacies, no one to carry forward your story, everything will be forgotten, so none of it mattered.

Okay, I can sort of see why you might find this bleak. Yet I am choked with awe reconsidering it all again. George Clooney directs, and he correctly identifies that the end of the world will be markedly emotionless. We humans have no concept of an extinction level event. In 2049, when this movie takes place, we’ll have had – what, 70, 80 years? – of warning, and yet we still won’t see it coming, we still won’t be prepared, and we still won’t believe it until it’s too damn late. I can’t help but admire a movie that is willing to punch you in the gut like that.

The Midnight Sky streams on Netflix December 23rd.

Christmas By Starlight

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When her family’s beloved eatery, The Starlight Café, is slated for demolition, Annie (Kimberley Sustad) vows to put a stop to it before Christmas. She storms the offices of Holt Enterprises to get their eviction notice rescinded and the demolition cancelled, but gets mistaken for someone else. William Holt (Paul Campbell), you see, is the heir apparent, but like a typical rich kid has spent most of his life just coasting by on his charm and his family name, relegating the hard work to his long-suffering assistant, Lyle. Daddy Holt is understandably worried about leaving him the company, so he decides to hire a lawyer to follow Will around, solving any legal messes as he makes them. Yes, it’s the most ridiculous plan ever hatched, and that’s saying something on the Hallmark channel.

Anyway, Annie is mistaken for that lawyer. But she is a lawyer, coincidentally, so Will proposes to hire her, fulfilling his father’s obligation without actually having someone meddlesome breathing over his shoulder, and in return, he promises to shut down the demolition plans. Even more preposterously, in her fake position as his guardian lawyer, one of his legal messes somehow involves her organizing an elaborate Christmas fundraiser…and then Will gets roped in too. Does it make sense? No! But they’re doing it and they’re falling in love while doing it. Which, technically speaking should probably be its own “legal mess,” but let’s go along with the spirit of the film and pretend that logic is overrated.

But wait: what if Will can’t hold up his end of the bargain? What if The Starlight Café gets plowed out of existence and this whole thing was for nothing? That’s not super romantic, is it? Total boner killer. Well, lady boner. What a conundrum! What will happen to our star crossed lovers? Can a lawyer get disbarred for posing as a different lawyer? Are all relationships based on business deals doomed to fail? Find out next on the Hallmark channel.

Ariana Grande: Excuse Me, I Love You

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Random thoughts I had while watching Ariana Grande: Excuse Me, I Love You an essay by Jay Taylor

Calling this a documentary seems generous if not downright false. It’s 90% concert footage, 5% rehearsal, and 5% nonsense. You won’t get to know the girl behind the music, you’ll just get a better than average view of her Sweetener World Tour for a fraction of the price.

First song: God Is A Woman, or, if the staging is to be believed, Ariana is the woman who is God, or at the very least Christ, seeing how she’s got the seat of honour at a table that looks very last suppery. Although if the lyrics are to be believed, Ariana is God because she’s good at sex. Turns out, Ariana isn’t very good at songwriting – and she had 4 other grown ups help her with such gems as “We can make it last, take it slow, hmm.”

Confession that’s probably already obvious: I’m not a fan. I’m not not a fan. I’m not a hater. I’m just not a fan. I recognized a couple of the songs because I’m a human of Earth, but I never thought any of them great and now I’m convinced they’re pretty bad.

Also pretty bad: Scooter Braun. You know, the evil man who tried to shit all over Taylor Swift? Him. He’s still Ariana’s manager, and she’s so unashamed of this he features in this “documentary” more than once. Sean and I both booed him at the exact same time. We may not know much about Ms. Grande but we do know that there is only one right stance to have about Scooter Braun and that’s against. I’m disappointed in Ariana; it’s a total violation of girl code, of good person code, and though I don’t expect much of her, this is still a pretty shitty thing.

This never occurred to me before, but are there no atheists in pop music? Literally every film of concert footage has a prayer circle before each performance with hand holding and out-loud prayers for a good show. Most work places are super duper not allowed to force their employees to pray for show, but pop star world tours seem to be some sort of exception because that shit does not look voluntary at all.

Sean commented about how 88% of people in the doc are billed as Ariana’s “best friend” but that’s literally the only thing about the “movie” that didn’t bother me. Like Mindy Lahiri once said, “A best friend isn’t a person, it’s a tier.” Although, I will say there are a suspicious amount of “best friends” on the payroll; how “best” is this “friend” if you have to pay them?

Speaking of which: mom Joan is a chronic hanger-on herself. Ariana Grande is 27 years old. I’m not sure at which age exactly that becomes creepy, but it was before 27, even if you’re not gyrating in PVC while singing about your sex being god-like. NOT CREEPY AT ALL.

Anyway: is there any personality underneath that high pony? Unknown. There’s nothing new or illuminating or interesting here, just definitely-seen-before pieces of her already dated world tour. It’s a 1 hour, 37 minute commercial for Ariana Grande who must be, if nothing else, pretty savvy about marketing herself – especially since the day this doc hit Netflix just happens to also be the day she announced her most recent engagement.

Continue the Ariana discussion on Youtube!