Tag Archives: Snoop Dogg

The Beach Bum

so, interesting story: a couple of weeks ago, Sean and I were at a wedding that got hit by a tornado. Don’t worry, everyone was fine. The same cannot be said for tents and glassware and flowers and cake, but those are but details with hefty deposits. They were already legally wed, and that’s the main thing. Anyway, Sean and I cleared out before we even got fed, but Sean had certainly been watered. With lots and lots of beer. Which means I was driving. I always volunteer to be the DD, though I don’t usually count on having to navigate roads blocked by fallen trees. Anyway, it was a long-ish drive back home, during which time Sean’s jobs were to keep Spotify thumping, and to read my sisters’ Snapchat updates aloud. Even with hindsight, it’s impossible to say how we got on to the topic of 90s music, but we eventually landed on Creed (believe it or not), which I’d forgotten was a thing. And even with the reminder, I couldn’t quite name a song, though I knew that knowledge must be buried deep. So Sean took it upon himself to sing (remember all the beers). Anyway, you do not need to remember that Creed exists because this movie is here to remind you, if briefly. And that’s about all I have to say about the movie The Beach Bum.

Moondog (Matthew McConaughey) has a very rich and very beautiful wife, Minnie (Isla Fisher), with whom he does not live, and a newlywed daughter whose life he flits in and out of. Moondog lives by no rules. He barely lives in this world. “He’s from another dimension,” explains his indulgent wife, who finds his spotty record very convenient for doing what she wants with whom she wants – mostly, a man named Lingerie (Snoop Dogg).

With straggly, unwashed hair, and volcano-orange thongs, Moondog isn’t just a beach bum, he looks and lives like a bum, period. Except for some reason fake-titted women still line up to be with him. It makes no sense and is exactly the kind of nonsense that completely derails a movie for me. Not that this movie was ever on the rails. Or even has rails.

Anyway, Moondog is apparently a talented poet, which is also completely unbelievable, and his wife figures out how to give him a little motivation to do some writing.

In some ways this is the role Matthew McConaughey was born to play: a merry, aimless stoner. It’s not that hard to imagine that this might have been his fate had he not caught some lucky breaks in Hollywood. Jonah Hill, however, turns in a performance I find nonredeemable; it’s not that hard to imagine that to be MY fate were I being punished in hell for some hella unforgivable sin. Still, it’s mostly writer-director Harmony Karine with whom I take issue. While it may not be unusual to be forgiving of one’s anti-hero, Moondog is undeniably reckless and Karine is infuriatingly nonjudgmental. There’s an outside chance that the message he’s intending is that the pursuit of happiness is attained through pure and selfish hedonism. At the end of the day, its worst crime is that it is boring. Had I not paid to rent it, I would have turned it off. Spare yourself Zac Efron’s douchy beard.

Meet The Blacks

Carl Black moves his family to California when he meets with a bit of success. His timing’s terrible though – the city is about to have its annual purge, where all crime becomes legal for 12 hours. Sound familiar? Yeah, there’s already a whole franchise called The Purge. But this purge is – you maxresdefaultguessed it – black! Or more specifically, it involves the only black family in a gated community.

I cannot review this movie. I turned it off halfway through. Not even when I’m stuck at work trying to kill time can I sit through a movie this magnificently bad. Is this supposed to be a parody? I can’t even tell. The title is useless. It’s colossally bad. Not in the history of this site have I walked away from an unfinished movie. Isn’t that remarkable? I sat through The DUFF, the Do-Over, Get A Job, and Accidental Love. I didn’t even flinch. There isn’t even a category for how awful this is, or for how much George Lopez embarrasses himself in it.

It’s a black hole of comedy, where a couple of bucks bought a very cheap production, one that is severely unwatchable. They hope to cover up the lack of laughter by lobbing constant racist shit at you. Um, I know the difference. And no amount of Snoop in white face is going to convince me otherwise.

Meet the Blacks is unbearable, and the only thing it’s good for is as a movement to purge all spoof “comedy” henceforth.