Tag Archives: stinker alert

Christmas Land

Jules’s grandmother loved Christmas; her Christmas tree farm was set up to spread maximum holiday joy to one and all, but especially to her darling granddaughter. Years later, when Jules is all grown up and a successful PR woman, she inherits the farm, called Christmas Land.

When she goes to take a look at the land, the estate’s attorney is a bit of a surprise – he “doesn’t look like a lawyer” and Jules should know; her boyfriend is one. This lawyer, Tucker, is handsome and laid-back, and he voices the townspeople’s hope that Jules had returned to reopen the place and run Christmas Land like her grandma -Christmas-Land-Hallmark-Channel-luke-macfarlane-39202808-600-800did. Jules will do no such thing, of course. She’s a New York City girl with a new promotion, and that boyfriend who practices law in the fast lane. But it’s too late: all the townspeople have gotten their hopes up, and they’re downright rude to her when they find out she’s selling. Imagine the pluck, the gall, thinking you could sell property you own! No wonder they hate her. I’m positive every single one of them has would never dream of cashing out if they had the opportunity. No, they’d all pick up, move away, start their lives over running someone else’s downtrodden, seasonal business just so a bunch of rude strangers wouldn’t be put out.

You know what’s weird about this particular brand of romantic Hallmark Christmas movie? Though they’re often written by women, they’re always directed by men. What the what? That’s a big steaming pile of reindeer poop, Hallmark. And that’s almost piddly compared to the fact that their movies are overwhelmingly white and almost uniformly straight. I recently watched a very bad one in which 1 of 6 couples was gay, probably only because they legit ran out of straight white people problems, and that may be the only same-sex Christmas story I’ve ever seen, which is absurd.

Anyway, Christmas Land is another white people problems  holiday movie – putting a different spin on a “white Christmas” since 2015. Jules (Nikki Deloach) can afford to walk away from her job for days or weeks on a whim, and Tucker (Luke Macfarland) is the kind of lawyer who spends 0 time in his office, and loads of time stalking a Christmas tree farm in his plaid flannel shirt and a pair of work boots. It’s very convenient for falling in love in 3 days or less, but not very practical. Of course there’s always the awkward disposal of the current boyfriend – he’s got to show up and make an ass out of himself to prove it’s not heartless if she dumps his ass for someone else. An inability change out of stuffy button-down shirts is usually judged sufficient.

Anyway, this movie takes a TURN. Hallmark holiday movies are a comfort to lots of people because you know what you’re getting – a small conflict, a cheesy romance, a cookie baking montage, and poof: Christmas magic. But this movie is not only the typical Christmas movie’s evil twin, it also manages to denigrate women at the same time. Spoiler alert: Jules, supposedly this savvy businesswoman, she signs a contract without reading it, without even glancing in its direction, and is then surprised when the mogul doesn’t want to preserve it. Despite holding magic vagina powers over not one but two hunky lawyers, neither gives her a shred of proper legal advice or is willing to help her out. So in the end she “saves” Christmas Land by incurring a $1.3 million dollar debt to own the land she owned outright just moments ago, and the mogul goes home to rub his greedy little paws together, counting his gold coins on Christmas day.

How Many Oscar Winners Does it Take to Save a Piece of Shit?

The Big Wedding stars FOUR Oscar winners: Robert DeNiro, Diane Keaton, Susan Sarandon, and Robin Williams.

weddingdeniroSo the answer to the question is: at least 5. It takes at least 5 Oscar winners to save a piece of shit; four were definitely not enough.

The premise: a long-divorced couple (Keaton & DeNiro) have to pretend to still be married on the occasion of their adopted son’s wedding (Ben Barnes, white guy, not remotely Columbian, to Amanda Seyfried), to keep up appearances in front of his religious biological mother, who is visiting all the way from – you guessed it – Columbia.

Flimsy? You bet. It’s exactly the kind of role I hate to see Diane Keaton doing these days, and now she’s dragging Susan Sarandon down along with her (playing her former best friethe-big-weddingnd and current flame of the ex-husband). Ladies at this stage in their career should not have to resort to slapstick.

Topher Grace and Katherine Heigl round out the cast as the two other unlucky-in-love kids, heaping contrived subplot onto contrived subplot. And then Robin Williams shows up as the drunk but devout Catholic priest who’s set to marry these two crazy kids, despite the racist protests of a soon-to-be in-law unfortunately named Muffin (beige grandbabies alert!). Um, haven’t we seen Robin play this exact thing before?

Anyway, you won’t think this movie is good, but if you’re in the right mood – like, in bedThe-big-weddingoscarwinners with a bad head cold, for example – you might find it…passable. Like, if it’s playing on TV and you can’t find the remote, you could do worse. And maybe you just need a little schmaltz in your life: nothing wrong with that. Don’t admit to it, maybe, but enjoy it with a bowl of popcorn, or maybe melty ice cream, because let’s face it: the movie itself is cheesy enough to clog your precious arteries.

 

 

Flirting With Disaster

In 1996, David O. Russell (Silver Linings Playbook) assembled quite a cast: Ben Stiller, Tea Leoni, Patricia Arquette, Richard Jenkins, Mary Tyler Moore, Alan Alda, George Segal, Josh Brolin, and Lily Tomlin. How is it possible that this little disaster floated for so long beneath my radar?

I first came upon director David O. Russell in Three Kings (that Gulf war one with George Three-Kings-DI-1Clooney, Mark Whalberg, and Ice Cube). It was 1999 and I was in high school, which meant I was being flirty with grown men in dark bars in cities other than my own. I was in Montreal with Jimmy and Dan and I can’t tell you why, or even how come. I can tell you that I was at a dive bar with sticky floors and cheap beer, which usually wouldn’t matter because I was strictly a rye girl, but after a dozen ryes, a straw was enough to get me to down a pitcher. Blech. For some reason instead of going home, we went to a movie theatre that was apparently open all night, and caught a screening of Three Kings. I distinctly remember the brightness of the colours, the deflated lung, and how many times I got up to pee (I hope I didn’t disturb the other patrons getting $5 handjobs from St. Catherine Street hookers!).

Next came I Heart Huckabees, a film I hella-love, in 2004, and then The Fighter in 2010 (david-set-of-american-hustlelooks like somebody’s a little bit in love with Mark Whalberg!). Then things get weird. Russell did Silver Linings Playbook in 2012, which for me was a flop. Then American Hustle in 2013, which totally bored me. And then Accidental Love in 2015 (though it’s considerably older) which is such an embarrassment he wouldn’t even put his name on it (it’s credited to Stephen Greene). I think that’s quite a marked downward spiral, but others will inevitably disagree ( SLP and AH usually being well-liked and fairly well-received, critically). He and I, however, have parted ways, and I do wonder why.

Back in his film maker adolescence, flirtingwithdisaster1he brought us Flirting with Disaster, which is maybe all any of us needed to know. Ben Stiller plays a dude in search of his birth parents. Tea Leoni plays the inept case worker seeking to reunite AND document the process. It isn’t pretty, but it does kind of work. There’s a zaniness that’s practically obligatory when you cast Ben Stiller (with his original bad teeth – so distracting!) but it’s tempered by a lot of dark comedy I wouldn’t have naturally thought this cast capable of. It takes some unexpected turns, flouting the expected route, with that old Russell smugness you’ve come to know and cherish. Definitely worth a watch for Russell fans.

Russell hiamerican-hustle-david-o-russell-on-setmself continues to rub people the wrong way – if not always his audience, then at the very least his cast. On this very film, Ben Stiller constantly had heated arguments with Russell.

Tomlin survived this one only to have huge clashes with him on the set of I Heart Huckabees (where he famously called her names and knocked over pieces of the set – it’s Youtubable).

This past winter it was rum48134oured that he and Jennifer Lawrence were getting into screaming matches on the set of their new movie, Joy. All of these incidents tend to be downplayed as simply his method. He gets his actors into character by slipping into it himself – and maybe it’s hard to argue this as he has in fact directed SEVERAL to Oscar nods and wins. But there’s gotta be something wrong if you can’t get along with Hollywood teddy bear George clooney%20orussell%2011jan13%2005Clooney, who came to blows with Russell over his alleged treatment of an extra. Things were tense on set after that, but to my mind Russell had already declared himself an idiot when he preferred both Mel Gibson and Nicolas Cage over Clooney for his role in Three Kings. What kind of vision is that?