Write Before Christmas

Jessica gets the ole dumperoo by her grinchy optician boyfriend just before the holidays so she redirects her Christmas cheer toward 5 of the most important people in her life. She buys 5 beautiful and pricey greeting cards and pops them in the mail, spilling her guts. It is somewhat convenient that a greeting card giant takes over a whole channel just to put out tonnes of free advertising via 90 minute long sappy romantic holiday movies which often encourage gratuitous exchange of Christmas greetings. It’s called corporate masturbation. I mean it’s not, but it should be. Petting the reindeer. Spilling the eggnog. Marching the penguin. Polishing the candy cane. Frosty’s five fingered hug. Okay I’ll stop but only because I’ve received notification from WordPress that I’ve reached the limit o fmade-up masturbatory euphemisms for one post, and I HATE getting those.

Anyway: a Hallmark movie. On the Hallmark channel. About sending Hallmark cards bought in your local Hallmark store [and by the way, you can also buy Hallmark movie merch on their website]. Jessica (Torrey DeVitto) sends 5 cards: to her widowed aunt, her old music teacher, her enlisted brother, her best friend, and a washed up pop star whose music once inspired her. Anyway, you might think $15-$20 is a lot to spend per card but Hallmark would like to remind you that 1. they pop up and 2. you might get a boyfriend. So pretty much a bargain. That’s right: one of those cards nets her a dude. Luke (Chad Michael Murray) is a photographer who likes Christmas enough to dress up as Santa on an annual basis (at least) and likes Jessica enough to kiss her when her ex-boyfriend is looking.

Meanwhile, each of the cards spins off another story of people finding connections at Christmas. I wouldn’t quite put it in the Love Actually category but if you’re in the market for a little holiday porn, I think you could do worse. It’s exactly the kind of background noise that might be nice as you…write out your Christmas cards? Also, I hear it pairs well with wine.

4 thoughts on “Write Before Christmas

  1. Orca Flotta

    Errm, Jay, you’re aware that xmas is over and done with for this year? So you may redirect your interest to actual films now.
    Pleeeeez!!!

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    1. Orca Flotta

      I mean like real movies. Made in Hollywoodland instead of some Hallmark factory backlot, by real professional film-makers, and starring real actors who all get paid in real dollars, not stacks of greeting cards or Santa Coins.

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      Reply
      1. Orca Flotta

        Or unfortunate pressed Hallmark employees who have this particular clause somewhere in their job description so they must appear in every Hallmark movie.

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