How to Survive the Apocalypse in Heels

While watching San Andreas, I thought to myself, dear god, these shoes will be the death of me. And this thought didn’t disturb me as much as it should have because:

a) I’m not a survivor. I don’t believe in survival. It’s gross. It hurts too much. Better to have a slab of concrete crush you right at the outset than to spend the next hour and a half running for your life and probably getting lots of blisters.

b) If I’m gonna die, please jebus let it not be in flats. I’d rather die like the Wicked Witch in The Wizard of Oz – crusoz-witch-wizard-ruby-red-slippers-westernized-0394944ujrjhfhurhed, sure, but with a gorgeous pair of heels sticking out.

But watching Carla Gugino do acrobatics atop a blazing, rapidly collapsing building only to stick a pretty landing on a failing helicopter, well, she didn’t do that in Jimmy Choos. You might have thought, like I did, that survival in heels would have been unlikely, even impossible, but this weekend Bryce Dallas Howard showed us: not so.

This girl ran through the jungle in heels. From dinosaurs! They’re modest, mid-height, Kate Middleton-esque nude heels rather than kinky boots, mind you, but still. I’ve heard a lot of people criticizing Jurassic World for this choice, calling it supremely stupid, but hello – when did she have the chance to swap them out? We don’t wake up in the morning thinking, well, maybe the practical shoes today because who knows when a hungry dinosaur may chase me. And just because that particular scenario might be 0.1% more likely for a woman working at a dino park bryce-dallas-howard-01-600x800doesn’t mean she anticipiated it. I think she probably wore those shoes because they looked cute with her skirt, and made all of her wardrobe choices that day believing subconsciously that today was just a day like any other. Of course, we know this franchise, and we know that security at these parks is never up to snuff. So, poor thing has to run in heels. Crappy, sure, but still preferable than running barefoot. But the truth is, I don’t keep ‘just in case of dinosaurs’ shoes in my car either. When disaster hits, I’ll have to swallow the impractical decisions I’ve made and just deal. I do know, however, that she was likely to sink in the moist jungle dirt. I learned that lesson wearing brand new red satin pumps of course. The heels pierce the dirt. And she likely had to run on the balls of her feet – better to just forget about the heels and keep your centre of gravity in just once place. I learned that one as a bridesmaid when my friend’s grandmother went missing just moments before the ceremony.

But if I was smart, I might instead learn the lesson that Melissa McCarthy learned in Spy: in one SPY-13686.CR2scene she’s vamped up and looking glamorous but suddenly has to give chase. She’s clearly wearing black high heels, but those are cleverly swapped out by a sympathetic costume lady for a pair of wedge running shoes that are painted to look like high heels. I noticed that little swap when she was on her scooter about to land in the cement. Nice trick if you can hack it. But let’s face it, I’m not wedge girl. I like a pair of sky-high stilettos, and if they’re glittery enough to sparkle long after I’ve bled out, all the better.

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22 thoughts on “How to Survive the Apocalypse in Heels

  1. Carrie Rubin

    This is why I always wear sensible shoes. That way, when the earth starts cracking or the dinosaurs come running, I’ll be ready to go. (Right before I get swallowed by the earth or eaten by a dinosaur…)

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  2. Brittani

    Bryce’s heels weren’t too bad. Now Amanda Seyfried’s heels in In Time (then when given the opportunity to change, she picks ANOTHER pair of heels even though she knows she’s going to be running from someone) Those heels were bullshit.

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  3. Salty Popcorn

    Hahahaha – hilarious – love it – also very clever – “heels in Jurassic” is one of the biggest trending topics on the internet at the moment. Nice work. Also, sad that society finds this the most talked about item in the world, we are doomed for dinosaurs to again rule the world!!! I think this is a good thing. I also never knew you were a lady haha

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  4. seanathant

    I love this post! I totally agree about Jurassic World – what else was she going to wear? And you don’t want to go barefoot in the jungle, especially a sort-of-prehistoric one, who knows what you might step on!

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  5. Ally B. Jones

    People where up in arms over the heels. Its always interesting what the internet chooses to be upset about at any given time. Great Post!

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  6. reocochran

    I did think that you made some fantastic and funny points and comments. I enjoyed the movie, “Spy,” which I liked seeing the geeky woman from my PBS show, “Call the Midwife.” She was great as Melissa McCarthy’s sidekick; both all pretty and “glammed up.” Even if not realistic, much better to go against bigger women’s stereotypes about being sloppy looking.
    Not so amusing or appropriate in a dinosaur movie.

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  7. ruth

    Ahahaha! LOVE this post Jay, perfect for a Friday read. I ONLY wear heels when I’m going to a party where I just have to stand and not walk too much. I do wear a modest-height heels at the office because the carpet floor is easy on my foot. But yeah, what these girls are wearing are sky-high stilettos, it would take magical powers for them to survive even two minutes RUNNING in them, let alone two whole hours in ridiculous circumstances!

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