May | 2016 | ASSHOLES WATCHING MOVIES

I was a little uncomfortable when I discovered that this documentary about Kenyan warriors had a pun in its title.

With armed cattle rustling getting out of hand, the Kenyan government introduced a disarmament program in 2004 to end the violence. Warriors like Julius Arile and Robert Matanda were encouraged to turn over their guns in exchange for amnesty and a pair of running shoes. With their new shoes, many Kenyans decide to leave their life of violence and begin training as marathon runners. Hence the title of Anali Nayar’s documentary.

The transition from warrior to athlete isn’t an easy one. Arile and Matambo, friends since boyhood, got their first guns when they were in primary school and have grown accustomed to the seductive feeling of power and fearlessness that they bring. For Atale, who has been fortunate enough to never have had to kill anyone, the notion of putting all those years running from the police to good use by racing is an exciting one. For Matambo, who has earned much more of a reputation for violence, turning in his weapon is a much scarier decision because he risks retribution for his past crimes.

So they both begin training for the Tegla Loroupe Peace Race. Arile shows tremendous potential and gets to compete in Prague and at the New York City Marathon. Matambo, on the other hand, can’t quite keep up and stays fighting the good fight for peace at home, eventually getting involved in politics. The more opportunities come Arile’s way, the more Matambo feels that his friend has forgotten where he came from and the more jealous he becomes. Filmed over 8 years, Nayar’s film follows the impact on a lifelong friendship when their two paths diverge. No fiction could feature story arcs that are more epic.

As much as I wish that Nayar had thought of a better title, Gun Runners is a untitled wonderful documentary. Its gorgeous cinematography looks better than most features do. Better yet, as likeable as her subjects are, Nayar resists the urge to portray Arile and Matambo as one-dimensional inspirational symbols and doesn’t try to hide the fact that these are real and flawed human beings. She makes them easy to relate to and impossible not to root for.

This post first appeared at Cinema Axis as part of their Hot Docs coverage.

This movie was shot in 2012 and it took 4 years for the heat of everyone blushing in embarrassment to die down enough to release it. Maybe they should have given it 4 more.

In it, Anna Kendrick and Miles Teller play self-obsessed millennials who graduate and are astounded to not immediately be handed their dream jobs with rockstar perks. This premise is so flimsy they try to pad it out with a whole bunch of friends also struggling in the real world, thus ensuring that there is never a whole story being told anywhere, but lots of odds and ends you can’t possibly bring yourself to care about. Bryan Cranston is the best thing in this movie, playing the guy who has aged out of his job and is facing unemployment in a job market crawling with shallow selfie-resumes.

Under no circumstances should you attempt to watch this movie. If you do, please contact your local poison control centre immediately, and flush the area with water.

The less said about this ass-munching movie the better, so instead let’s discuss the myriad better ways this money could have been spent. Assuming a very modest budget of 8 million dollars, you could have bought:

11-diamond_bathtub_for_your_po-610x458 A Swarovski crystal-studded bathtub for your dog: $39 000

A bejeweled, 18-karat gold Monopoly set: $2 000 000

Exclusive gold shoelaces by Mr. Kennedy: $19 000

A bottle of 100 year old champagne recovered from a shipwreck which may or may not still be potable let alone drinkable: $275 000 Add a champagne bucket by Aston Martin (it’s insulated with carbon fibre) for $38 000

A plain white t-shirt “designed” by Kanye West: $120

A custom-made suit of armour: $20 000; add one for your pet guinea pig: $24 300

A lock of Elvis’s hair, as far as you know: $115 000

A stamp of Nicholas Cage’s face: $19

A ziploc bag of air from Kobe Bryant’s last basketball game: $16 000

A cornflake shaped like Illinois: $1350

il_570xN.603647511_jio0 3 x-rays of Marilyn Monroe’s chest: $45 000

A banana slicer: $4.75

A ghost in a jar: $50 992

A 1/8 model of a Lamborghini Aventador. It doesn’t move but it does take up lots of space on your desk: $4 700 000 (just to be clear: an actual Lamborgnini will set you back about 400K)

A gold, diamond-encrusted Nintendo Wii system. Be sure to save your crappy old plastic wii-motes because this baby doesn’t come with any! The kicker? It’s already obsolete!: $500 000

William Shatner’s kidney stone: $25 000

Plastic surgery to look “like” Justin Bieber: $100 000

You could buy all of these items for the cost of 1 Get a Job, they’d all be a better use of your time and money, and you’d still have enough cash left over to make The Blair Witch Project. Think on that.