Remember in Spy when Jason Statham played a clueless tough guy to hilarious results?  Mechanic: Resurrection has him playing essentially the same role EXCEPT HE’S DEADLY SERIOUS.  If you’re like me, you will be waiting for this stupidity to turn out to be a farce. But by the end of the movie you will have no choice but to conclude that this film was an honest attempt at a straightforward action movie.

The dialogue is horrible, even by action movie standards.  The worst example is an exchange between Statham and the impossibly pristine Jessica Alba, who works for a super-duper bad guy because he has threatened to harm the children at the third world orphanage where she teaches (thus proving he’s a super-duper bad guy).  Statham’s monotone response to Alba’s revelation?  “I’m an orphan too.”  Naturally, Statham’s orphan status drives him to save Alba and the threatened orphans, and naturally the way to save them is to kill almost everyone he comes across.

[SPOILER ALERT] Besides Alba and the orphans, the only survivor of Statham’s murder spree is a bad guy played by Tommy Lee Jones.  Jones’ resurrected Two-Face routine (i.e., “I’m crazy and happy about it”) from Batman Forever must have been appealing enough to Statham that he lets Jones live.  Between the shitty dialogue and Jones’ appearance, it’s safe to say that if you liked Batman Forever then this movie is going to be right up your alley.  Maybe not even then.  If there’s anyone out there who is a Batman Forever fan, let us know in the comments if this movie worked for you, but then rest assured that Jay will immediately Bat-BAN Forever your IP address from our site for somehow having worse taste in movies than me. [END SPOILERS]

Multiple boats blow up.  Sky-high glass pools are shattered.  People get shot and kicked and punched.  Statham fakes his own death multiple times.  None of it is remotely entertaining.  It’s all unbearably stupid and boring.  This movie truly sucks ass.