They make you wait 20 whole minutes before getting to Tom Cruise, and when they finally do, I realized I’d been duped. In fact, it was Michael Keaton being introduced, not Tom Cruise, and I’ve been mistaking American Assassin for American Made possibly for as long as either have existed.
American Assassin is about a kid who goes on vacation with his girlfriend and sees her and countless others get slaughtered on a beach. He does what any reasonable bloke would do: he grows regrettable facial hair, and decides to become a secret spy assassin. Now, I can tell you in no uncertain terms that no dead girlfriend is worth growing that kind of tragic beard for. I can also tell you that this guy’s a doofus. I mean, a) his name is Mitch. Case closed. He’s played by that dude who’s in the Maze Runner movies, which is possibly why he believes he can just become a spy, and then does. He looks up terrorist on the internet, and then just shows up at their door. It’s just that easy. I mean, it doesn’t go well and he has to be emergency extracted by the CIA or whatever, but who’s counting? Revenge, baby! And then for some totally inexplicable reason, the CIA takes a liking to this renegade with pubic hair on his chin, and they decide to train him up so his spy game’s a little more on point. Cut to: Michael Keaton, who plays Stan, a tough as nails ex-NAVY seal who takes young Mitch under his grizzled old wing. They decide to become a lame crime fighting duo, and the bad guy is none other than Stan’s former protege, who coincidentally owns an atom bomb and holds a grudge, and together they put the ass back in assassin.
This genre is crowded as hell and the fact that I merged two movies with similar themes AND titles in my head is a bad, bad sign. Painfully generic. There, I said it. In fact, generic just texted me an angry face emoji because generic would honestly be a step in the right direction for this crap. Even Michael Keaton can’t save it, nor does he really appear to be trying. The script is just that bad. The maze runner, Dylan O’Brien is clearly not his generation’s Tom Cruise, so I guess I’m wondering….who is?
When the trailer first appeared for this one, I was really looking forward to this. Since then though pretty much every review I read for this movie has pretty much the same things to say about it than yours did. So yeah…I’m thinking to rent this but not going to add it to my dvd collection, sham..usually like films such as these.
LikeLike
I am wondering if we really need another Tom Cruise.
LikeLiked by 3 people
I hope not. He’s evil. He just does the same old shit when we all know there’s a lot of talented actors wanting to do these kind of films that I’m sure could do a better job but no… we have to go with an aging dinosaur with an ego as big as his stupid nose.
LikeLiked by 3 people
Just a little guess you are not a fan either 🤣
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m just sick of him hogging the spotlight from other people.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Ah, Talentless Tiny Tom. I’m with you!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you. He used to have talent but he rarely does a good performance that’s outside of his comfort zone.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I will allow ‘Collateral’ , mainly because he plays against type. But that’s it for me. 🙂
LikeLike
True. That was the last great performance of his career aside from his hilarious performance in Tropic Thunder.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Cruise’s performances are nearly indistinguishable and all but interchangeable at this point.
LikeLike
I guess we’re getting to the point of where he and Johnny Depp are at now at this point in their careers which is them doing the Derp-de-Derp films.
LikeLike
Generic will probably change his name.
Sounds like another disappointing movie. What a shame. Do these screenwriters/directors really think the can do another formula movie and people will drop the hard earned money on it?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes, it’s a sorry state when people think carbon cobies are a better risk than original material.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Now, you’re going to set me off on sequels.
I have two screenplays that I have tried to sell, and it is impossible to get your foot in the door. Meanwhile, Hollywood keeps producing the same crap.
Sorry for the rant. It’s always a pleasure to read your reviews. Honest and funny.
LikeLike
Oh yeah, I’ve been known to rant on that myself – we have have a category just for ‘unnecessary sequels’ which all too many seem to be. Hollywood takes the least amount of risks of any business. And even new movies often look alike, and so many movies often come out in pairs
Armageddon\Deep Impact
Olympus has Fallen\White House Down
Dante’s Peak\Volcano
etc etc
LikeLiked by 1 person
I took my wife to the movies yesterday before dinner. We saw a ton of coming attractions (which I enjoyed more than 50 Shades Freed)
Anxious to see your write up on some of these movies.
LikeLike
Good to know I’m not the only one who confused the two movies! I literally asked my friend wasn’t this supposed to be about smuggling drugs? Nope, different movie!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Haha, it’s good to have some company!!
LikeLike
Ha! I thought I was the only one who confused these two movies. I agree with your sentiments.
LikeLike
I never saw this, but from the marketing/trailers. I’m kind of shocked at how much older Dylan O’Brien looks here than he does in the Maze Runner. It’s like the extra hair added a decade. lol
LikeLike
Yeah, I wasn’t sure it was the same kid!
LikeLike
My husband will love this movie. Nothing needs to make any sense as long as there’s lots of action. Ha ha. I think I’ll read my book instead. 🙂
LikeLike
Sean often feels the same way. Explosions make the movie for him.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ha ha ha. Yeah. I don’t mind the explosions, but there has to be more than that. 🙂
LikeLike
Jay, a very clear review. But it has given Tubularsock an idea for the title for his next film.
“Knock, Knock, Knocking on ISIS Door”
You see it’s about a would be spy/assassin looking for a part time job.
What do you think?
LikeLiked by 1 person
What a fabulous idea. May I be a consultant on this project?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Sure! It will take at least two great minds to pull it off. Tubularsock has the concept and title. Tubularsock will leave the 2000 page script to you floatinggold. It’s all go from here.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I can definitely proof it!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ahhh, we are going to need proof???
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes, we will need lots and lots of high proof alcohol, too.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ok floatinggold! It’s a deal. High proof alcohol and all. We’ll start Monday.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I like the idea. I want to hear more.
LikeLike
Good review. The opening sequence was really interesting and engaging, but the rest of the movie was completely bland and generic.
LikeLike
Eeek. And I don’t even like spy/assassin movies. I guess this is a skip.
LikeLike
Wow. How bad is it that as I clicked on this review I was actually expecting to be reading about the Tom Cruise flick? Now, I’m in no rush to see either one.
LikeLike
Haha, I am relieved to hear I am not the only one.
LikeLike
Aw man. What’s Michael Keaton doing in this? Maybe he thought he was signing up for the Tom Cruise one? Agent got them mixed up? That’s gotta be the only explanation.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Pingback: The Maze Runner Trilogy | ASSHOLES WATCHING MOVIES