The thing about this list is…yeah, it’s “subjective.” I mean, it’s not, because I have excellent taste, and I’m pretty sure I’ve nailed down a definitive ranking, at least until the next Disney movie is released, so we’re safe for about 17 minutes or so. I just mean that the Disney umbrella is ever-widening. Almost everyone has been in a Disney movie if you’re thirsty enough to look.
10. Prince Eric, The Little Mermaid. I mean, the man’s an idiot, that’s a fact. He’s a total dope and he’s got no game unless a crustacean is whispering in his ear. Hopeless. But with his foppish hair and baby blues (is it just me or is there something a little Jake Gyllenhaal-y about him?), Eric has fuckboi written all over him.
9. Charlie Conway, The Mighty Ducks. Oh man did I have a thing for this guy when I was a kid. I was #TeamPacey before there was a Dawnson’s Creek. I feel a little skeevy macking on a 13 year old, but Joshua Jackson was and is older than I am so I think it’s mostly okay. He was a little bit bad and a little bit broken and even pre-pubescent Jay took one whiff and thought “I can save him with my love!”
8. Aladdin, Aladdin. He’s got hair that’s always in need of a woman to brush it out of his eyes, soulful eyes, and a chest so smooth it doesn’t even have nipples. Plus you gotta love a guy with ambition.
7. Thor, Ragnarok. I wasn’t really on the Thor train until he got a haircut in Ragnarok. He’s strong and fearless and all-powerful, but he’s not afraid to be vulnerable. He’s a team player, quick witted, and always good for a laugh. Plus he’s got those Chris Hemsworth twinkly eyes.
6. Maui, Moana. I confess, I’ve always had a thing for confident men. Big, strong, confident men? Oh yes. Add tattoos on top of that? Nothing better, and that’s before he cocks that eyebrow at me.
5.Finn, Star Wars. Finn’s a hard worker who knows how to defuse a situation and lighten it. But what you really have to love about the character portrayed by John Boyega is how sensitive he is: originally a Storm Trooper, Finn rejects the First Order’s cruelty. He doesn’t blindly follow orders. When Kylo Ren orders a senseless massacre, Finn lowers his weapon. That’s courage. That’s sexy.
4.Ant-Man, Ant-Man. You know by now I’m a sucker for funny men, and if they look like Paul Rudd then I’m done. Just done. I may as well wear tear-away clothes because why even fuck with the slight resistance provided by buttons? They’re useless against charm like his. Those crinkly eye wrinkles when he smiles, his goofball personality, his aw-shucks attitude. Done. Donner than a charred piece of meat.
3.Poe Dameron, Star Wars. He’s the best pilot in the galaxy but still has time for his best pal, BB-8, which makes him, galactically speaking, as irresistible as a man and his dog. He’s a straight-shooter, very honest, very loyal. But he’s got that Oscar Isaac swagger. And he’s maybe just a little hot-headed, a little rakish, a bit of a bad boy, the I’m just genetically predisposed to want.
2. Tadashi Hamada, Big Hero 6. Older brother to Hiro and creator of Baymax, Tadashi is super smart, and better yet, he wants to use his invention to help people. Since he and his brother are orphaned, Tadashi, very mature for his age, has become a father figure to his younger brother. He later achieves hero status when he runs into a burning building to help someone else. But to last a top spot on this list, you know he’s just a cutie pie who I can easily imagine crushing on when I was in University. He’d probably come to class in a baseball cap and a wrinkly tshirt and look all rumpled and adorable and I’d fail to take notes while fantasizing about our future children.
Li Shang, Mulan. Sure he’s competent and thoughtful and has plenty of wonderful qualities – yawn. What’s important here is that he’s hot. Captain Hottie McHotterson. He works out topless for a lot of the movie, or at least that’s what my loins remember of watching the movie a little too closely as a kid. Did his chest even glisten? I bet he has a musky man scent. I bet his big strong arms could wrap you up and make you feel like there isn’t an army hot on your heels aching to devour you. Plus he’s obviously a feminist!
While I was down this awkward rabbit hole of thicc Disney sex gods, I came across some beautiful portraits by artist David Kawena – take a look at these and then try to watch a Disney movie without blushing. I dare you.