Author Archives: Jay

Life In A Year

Daryn (Jaden Smith) isn’t even a senior in high school yet but he’s got his whole life laid out in front of him, a series of goals and how to achieve them. Or rather his dad does. His dad Xavier (Cuba Gooding Jr.) is a full-time dick so intent on -seeing his son accepted into Harvard that he doesn’t mind completely destroying their relationship to get it. To Xavier, Daryn’s new girlfriend Isabelle (Cara Delevingne) is nothing more than a distraction, and he’s super rude and dismissive of her accordingly.

What Daryn’s parents don’t know is that Isabelle is a rapidly dying teenage girl, and in the great cinematic tradition of dead and dying teenagers, Daryn has resolved to give her a whole life’s worth of milestones in the single year she has left. Basically, if you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all; the dying teenage trope isn’t exactly original and Life In A Year isn’t exactly up to redefining the genre. Just look at that title: it’s 2/10 awful, it sounds wrong, it’s thematically meaningless, and it fails to distinguish itself from close relatives (a simple Google search confuses it with All My Life, A Year In My Life, The Worst Years of My Life, Life Itself, and more).

I never imagined I’d say this, but Jaden Smith isn’t the problem with this movie, and he’s the least problematic man among the cast. He’s mostly known for being the entitled son of Will Smith who can’t stop mistaking ignorant bullshit for poetry and philosophy. In this, he does a pretty good imitation of a decent human being, and in his best moments he briefly channels his more famous and talented father. Cara Delevingne isn’t the problem either. I’m never bowled over by her, but there’s probably not an actor in the world who could salvage this terrible material. Confusingly, director Mitja Okorn almost seems hell-bent on tanking this thing, or at least that’s what’s communicated when a film offers you two cancelled perverts for the price of one. Cuba Gooding, Jr. is of course currently on trial for forcible touching and of sex abuse to the third degree; at last count 30 women had accused him of groping. Disgraced comedian Chris D’Elia stands accused of  grooming young girls and attempting to solicit nude photographs from minors. He’s also been accused of sexual misconduct by grown women, alleging that he exposes himself randomly and masturbates in front of them without consent. Mitja Okorn is the guy who said: yes, please, I’d like to work with both. Grade A stuff.

But this movie doesn’t need perverts to dissuade you, it’d be bad either way. It’s formulaic and poorly written and the characters are bizarrely one-dimensional (Daryn has a friend whose single personality trait is that he used to be fat. He isn’t even fat anymore!) or just don’t make any sense at all (D’Elia plays a “drag queen” named Phil who, though we never see him perform, is always in drag – has the script confused profession with identity?). No matter how you slice or dice it, Life In A Year (ugh, terrible title, still not over it) is a failure and there’s not a soul in the world who needs to see it.

You Are My Home

Alexandra (Eva Ariel Binder) goes through something most young American girls never will: when ICE shows up at her door, her mother suddenly disappears from her life, leaving Alex to fend for herself when a family friend is also apprehended. Social worker Sloane (Alyssa Milano) has seen an increase in these cases lately, and the local group homes are all full. That’s how Alex goes to live with Sloane’s friend Chloe (Angel Parker) for a while; it’s a temporary fix, but at least it’s a nice home with a warm bed where Alex will be safe while Sloane attempts to track down her mother and make other arrangements.

Chloe’s consent was pretty lackluster, but she’s got her reasons for that. She’s lived alone, and lonely, with the ghosts of her dead son and husband, for many years. Having a kid in the house again stirs up a lot of tough memories, and she doesn’t always react well to them. Meanwhile, Alex is also understandably acting out. And just when the two start to warm up to each other, something else comes along to knock them for a loop. And so close to Christmas!

This movie has a Hallmark Christmas movie feel to it, with a slight social justice touch that occasionally feels a little forced. The budget is low and so is the quality, and the corniness robs it of its tearjerker power (or it did for me, and I’m a crier). I didn’t love this movie. It’s trying just a little too hard with too little, but its heart is in the right place, and families separated by invisible borders is a tragedy that could use a little light.

A Cheerful Christmas

Lauren (Erica Deutschman) and Colleen (Tianna Nori) have found a way to channel their mutual love of Christmas into a career: Christmas coaching! Between you and me, Christmas coaching seems terribly seasonal and not a great business model for year-round solvency, but it would defeat the purpose of a Hallmark movie to think too deeply about their business’s viability so let’s just pretend this makes sense as a career move. And in that spirit, we’ll also gloss over the fact that just days before Christmas they have no clients. I mean, if nothing else, it’s terribly convenient to the plot that when the “aristocratic” Anderson family engages their services, Lauren is extremely available to devote her entire season to their home. It’s a little unorthodox – usually she’d prefer to to coach people, but the home owners are overseas and have simply left her a list to deck their halls and plan a party for their return. Their son James (Chad Connell) is around but buried under work and dismissive of holiday merry making.

Poor Lauren has to make do with housekeeper Joyce (Jennifer Vallance), who’s warmer anyway, and a readier source of family tradition and expectation. Colleen finally has a client or two of her own, so Lauren and James are alone together a lot of the time, and Lauren’s persistence is pretty legendary. She badgers him into reliving some happy childhood memories and soon they’re bonding over the spirit of the season. It starts to look like the magic of Christmas may have worked its way into their hearts when an obstacle presents itself, and her name is Maryam.

Will Lauren fist fight Maryam for James’ heart? How many vintage hats will be sacrificed to snowmen? Answer these burning questions and maybe even see them skate down the Rideau Canal, identifiably the world’s largest skating rink, even though the film is not set in Ottawa. Who doesn’t want Christmas cheer forced upon them? All this and more, guaranteed by Hallmark, and presented by your favourite Assholes. `

Winter’s Dream

Anna (Lizzie Boys) and her dad Ty (Dean Cain, yuck, I know) trek across the country to Bliss Mountain so that Anna can train with former Olympic skier Maddie Lastname. Anna’s eager to learn but isn’t really responding to Maddie’s tough cookie approach, so she seeks out Maddie’s less successful former teammate Kat (Kristy Swanson), who lives in town and teaches on the mountain. Teaches, not coaches, as in bunny hill novice skiers under 10. But although Kat’s still pretty gun-shy after her flameout on the slopes many years ago, she agrees to continue providing pointers and other fun lessons for technique. It makes her and Maddie a little competitive once again, but that’s not what this particular Hallmark movie is about.

First, Bliss Mountain is failing because its flashier counterpart Epic just 20 minutes down the road is drawing away all of its customers. Kat is chairing the Winter Fest committee, hoping to draw fresh blood and new dollars to town, and she’s not above drafting Ty to her committee even though he’s a paying customer. More importantly, of course, is the business of having Kat and Ty fall in love. Ty is a widower who lives on the other coast. Kat isn’t exactly splashing about in the dating pool herself. But honestly: how long can they keep telling us they’re just friends and expect us to believe it? We see the way he hangs banners for her. It’s hung at a pretty flirtatious angle if I do say so myself.

So. Kat will have to overcome her own fear of failure to train Anna. Anna will have to overcome her fear of wiping out to win an exhibition race. Ty will have to figure out how to commute all the way from New York. And Kat’s dad will just stand around wiggling his eyebrows at everyone. Sound good to you? Perfect. Winter’s Dream may be set on a mountain, but it will keep you nice and warm where it counts – right in the feelings.

Angela’s Christmas Wish

Two years after we first met her, little Angela, an Irish lass living in the very early 20th century, is still known in her little town for having stolen the baby Jesus from the church’s nativity scene. It was pretty innocent, as far as thefts go; she only thought he looked cold lying there in his manger, and took him home to make him warm and cozy.

Nowadays the baby Jesus has a very nice knit sweater to keep him warm, but Angela still visits him in the church to pray and ask for help. With Christmas fast approaching, Angela has her eye on a fancy dolly in the storefront window, but her family is still largely impoverished despite her father having left for work in Australia over two years ago. Setting aside their own interests, Angela and brother Pat decide to use their Christmas wish to bring their father home – or rather, to go and get him. When digging to Australia doesn’t work, they start busking for a train ticket. Their plan is not the most efficient, but their hearts are in the right place.

Is there any chance that Angela’s family will find happiness this holiday? You’ll have to watch to find out. The characters are based on the writing of Frank McCourt. The animation is as sweet as it sounds. And at just 47 minutes, it’s a great little watch for a special pre-bedtime treat with the kids.

Just Another Christmas

It’s like Groundhog Day, but for masochists.

Jorge (Leandro Hassum) hates Christmas. Officially it’s because he shares his birthday with the baby Jesus, and he’s a pretty bad sport about it. Even though he’s a fully grown man now. But he also seems to hate everything else about the holiday too: the food, the gifts, the family. THE FAMILY. Fair to say it’s pretty irksome when he develops some sort of Groundhog Day disorder – or at least that’s the movie they’d love to be compared to. In fact, Jorge is not doomed to repeat the same day over and over; he’s merely only living on Christmas now. That sounds weird, and it is, but the Jorge we know wakes up and it Christmas morning. He’s technically lived a full year between each Christmas, but he never remembers it. He’s aged a year, and so have his wife and kids. It’s a weird amnesia and the Jorge who “wakes” up each Christmas doesn’t approve of the Jorge who makes decisions all year long. That Jorge doesn’t seem to share his same values and priorities, and “living” only one day a year seems to have really put things into perspective for him.

Jorge is not exactly a likeable guy so it’s hard to root for, or know what we’re rooting for. Plus, Brazilian comedy seems to be a little…obnoxious. Leandro Hassum is like Gerard Depardieux at his worst, and even his best is pretty intolerable.

Since Jorge only “wakes up” on (or remembers) Christmas, it’s not exactly a great time to get vital information as to his condition. His wife and kids are busy with preparations, and hosting parties, so we never the full picture. We just wake up as disoriented as he is, and try to piece together what’s happened over the last year based on how things have subtly changed since last Christmas.

It’s an interesting-ish premise but I didn’t enjoy its execution. Hassum is one of those people who confuses yelling with acting. It’s hard to pick up any emotional nuance when everything is shouted. And this particular conceit isn’t exactly condusive to personal growth. Even if he does manage to learn a lesson during this 16 hours of Christmassing, his other self won’t remember it come Boxing Day and will spend the whole year undoing any progress that’s been made. It’s a pointless exercise and it’s not even entertaining to watch. Verdict: sleep through it.

It’s like Groundhog Day, but for masochists.

Jorge (Leandro Hassum) hates Christmas. Officially it’s because he shares his birthday with the baby Jesus, and he’s a pretty bad sport about it. Even though he’s a fully grown man now. But he also seems to hate everything else about the holiday too: the food, the gifts, the family. THE FAMILY. Fair to say it’s pretty irksome when he develops some sort of Groundhog Day disorder wherein the Jorge we know wakes up

Godmothered

Eleanor (Jillian Bell) is the youngest trainee and the only person who’s bothered to apply in decades; fairy godmothering just isn’t what it used to be. But head mistress Moira (Jane Curtin) keeps on teaching the same tried and true formula: 1. glittery gown 2. true love 3. happily ever after. Except humans stopped believing in ‘happily ever after’ a long time ago. No fairy godmother has been on assignment in years – the school’s about to close, the godmothers to be retrained as tooth fairies. Eleanor is devastated. Godmothering is all she’s ever wanted to do and now she’ll never even get the chance to start, so she takes matters into her own hands and finds a neglected assignment, a request for a fairy godmother that was never granted. She heads down to earth to fulfill the godmothering duties, and hopefully prove that godmothers are still in demand.

Of course, when she eventually finds herself in Boston, she finds not a 10 year old girl, but a full grown woman named Mackenzie (Isla Fisher) (apparently the letter was a little dated). What a disaster: in what way could a single mother in a dead end job possibly need godmothering? Well, both Mackenzie and Eleanor are about to find out because Eleanor refuses to go back to the motherland a failure.

Godmothered doesn’t exactly skewer the popular Disney fairy godmother formula, but it expands on what was traditionally a pretty narrow definition of happily ever after. Welcome to the modernization of Disney. They’ve been rehabbing their image and redefining the princess genre in movies like Frozen and even Ralph Breaks The Internet. Godmothered asks whether magic, wishes, and belief still have a place in modern society, and if not, what should take their place. It doesn’t quite go all the way as a ‘message’ movie but it does get some pretty great mileage out of good old-fashioned kindness and cooperation, which never go out of style.

Eleanor is charming as a fish out of water, a magical being in the land of humans for the first time, not unlike Enchanted Giselle or even Elf’s Buddy the Elf. Jillian Bell is simply enchanting, more grounded than flighty, but with enough fairy dust on her performance to give her wings. Director Sharon Maguire delivers a warm and feel-good story that is perfect for cozy family viewing.

The Christmas Cottage

Lacey (Merritt Patterson) doesn’t necessarily believe in the same superstitions that her best friend Ava does, but since Ava’s the bride and Lacey the maid of honour, she’s going to decorate the heck out of the Christmas Cottage for Ava’s wedding night. Ava’s family have believed for generations that any couple who spends the night in the Christmas Cottage together will enjoy love everlasting – and they’ve got the long and happy marriages to prove it!

It’s not a great time to drop everything and devote an entire weekend to a wedding – the design firm Lacey co-owns with boyfriend Roger has a really big client on the hook but their proposal needs some last minute tweaks. Lacey is a workaholic so instead of taking the weekend off, she decides to juggle both, not counting on two very important factors. First, the best man, Ean (Steve Lund), who is both Ava’s brother and Lacey’s ex. And second, the blizzard that snows them in while they’re dutifully decorating the honeymoon suite as ordered. Imagine snow in Oregon at Christmas! It sure takes both Lacey and Ean by surprise, who are then forced to spend the night together in – yes that’s right! – the Christmas Cottage, the very one that forces people to love each other eternally against their will!

There’s no hanky panky in a Hallmark movie, unless you count tenderly draping afghans over each other when one inevitably falls asleep before the other after confessing their true heart’s desire without the benefit of a single drop of alcohol. It’s the magic of Hallmark. Meanwhile, the magic of Christmas may just be working its way into the hearts of Lacey and Ean, despite their rocky past. But aren’t they just too different to work? And doesn’t Lacey still have a boyfriend, not to mention a work thing?

All of these burning issues and more will be resolved before the film’s end, should you care to indulge.

Crip Camp

December 3rd is the International Day of Persons with Disabilities. You may have heard some rumbling about disabled representation in the movies lately – Anne Hathaway took some flak for her limb difference in The Witches, and Sia’s movie, Music, has been criticized for casting a non-autistic actor in the lead role. Representation matters, and while the Oscars LOVE disabled characters, they don’t show the same love for disabled actors, who are rarely cast to portray themselves on screen, and almost never cast to portray anyone else. Although 20% of us live with some sort of disability, less than 5% of movie and TV characters are disabled, and of those few who are, less than 3% are played by actually disabled actors. That math is abysmal. Are disabilities the last place of the civil rights movement?

To mark the International Day of Persons with Disabilities, we watched a documentary on Netflix called Crip Camp.

Camp Jened (its legal name), had actually been in existence for years, but in the early 1970s it was run by hippies who created an oasis of sorts for disabled teenagers. To anyone else, it would have looked like a run-down, ramshackle summer camp of nightmares, but to those who attended, it was practically utopia. In the 1970s, the world was not accommodating to those with disabilities. Most disabled persons lived in relative isolation, dependent on others, if not outright institutionalized. At Camp Jened, they were free. Not free of their disabilities, but free of the judgement and discrimination. In a camp where everyone was disabled, no one was; the disabilities virtually unnoticed, the campers were allowed to be defined by other things, perhaps feeling fulfilled as human beings for the first time. Like any teenager, they played sports, sang songs, smoked and made out – for many this was the only opportunity to “date.”

When they grew out of camp, this close-knit group stuck together, and started advocating and disrupting for disabled rights, inclusion, and accessibility.

Crip Camp is co-directed by filmmaker Nicole Newnham and former camper Jim LeBrecht, an overdue tribute to the place that ultimately changed the world for millions of disabled people.

Although the Americans with Disabilities Act was passed 30 years ago (in 1990: that is actually shamefully recent!), disabled people to this day are fighting just for the right to exist with dignity and anything resembling equality.

I myself live with several (mostly invisible) disabilities. 2020 has been a strange year for people with disabilities. On the one hand, the whole world has gotten a taste of what it’s like to be me. Because I am immuno-compromised, I’ve always battled against viruses, each one potentially very serious for me as I lack a basic immune system to fight them. With the pandemic, every Canadian across this country automatically got all of the accommodations I’ve had to fight to have at my own work: clean work stations, physical distancing, even the right to work at home, which seems a small ask when it’s potentially life saving. I’ve been in medical isolation at home since March. When restrictions were starting to ease up over the summer, many Canadians ventured out of their homes while I stayed in mine. Like many people with disabilities, it’s hard not to feel like life sometimes moves on without us, forgets the people still trapped in their homes. Now that the COVID numbers are increasing again, Canadian regulations have once again changed to reflect it, to protect the majority, while those of us in the minority try not to take it personally that our lives are not worth the same consideration.

Before COVID, I led a relatively normal life, at least to outside eyes. I went to work, I travelled, I spent time with family and friends. My life is permanently etched with pain, and my health is constantly compromised by every passing virus, but since I don’t have a choice, I deal with it. Sometimes I miss things. Sometimes I cancel. Sometimes I can’t get out of bed. But I lived. I made significant contributions to my field, I found joy, I was a presence in the lives of my niece and nephews, I hosted dinner parties and attended film festivals and fell in love. Every moment also in pain, sometimes unable to drive or walk or sleep, but doing my best, which was still pretty good. And now my life is on pause. It’s disconcerting, it’s unfair, but it’s not without its positives: 2020 was the first year I didn’t get pneumonia in at least a decade. How about that?

Because actual representation in film is so rare, this is a very short list of actors with disabilities excelling in film:

CJ Jones: he played Ansel Elgort’s disabled foster father in Baby Driver, stealing scenes and providing the film with warmth and heart. But for Jones, parts like these are almost unheard of. “It’s hard to find a black deaf role” although it looks like he’s found another in Avatar 2.

Kiera Allen: she recently played opposite Sarah Paulson in Hulu’s Run, a mother-daughter Munchausen by Proxy thriller. The role is extremely physically demanding, but Allen, who uses a wheelchair in real life, nailed the part and showed us all what she can do.

Adam Pearson: in Chained For Life, Pearson portrays an actor with facial deformities with whom his leading lady struggles to connect while working together. Pearson has neurofibromatosis, type 1 in real life and gives a formidable performance in this film.

Zach Gottsagen: he won hearts in The Peanut Butter Falcon, playing a young man with Downs Syndrome who escapes his care home to pursue his dreams of being a pro wrestler. Starring opposite Shia LaBeouf and Dakota Johnson, Gottsagen holds his own and proves himself more than capable.

Millicent Simmonds: who can forget the deaf actress’ stunning performance in A Quiet Place, a horror film in which monsters hunt what they hear, and one family survives thanks to their ability to communicate in sign language.

A Cookie Cutter Christmas

Is this the most ludicrous and offensive Hallmark movie plot ever? Check this and vote: two adult females, educated, employed school teachers, are so embroiled in a petty rivalry, one they’ve apparently nurtured since childhood, that when they’re both attracted to the same man, they turn a winter festival that’s supposed to be about the kids into their own bet-settling, bake-off showdown.

Although both these women sound equally pathetic, the script clearly plays favourites. Christie (Erin Krakow) is the one we’re supposed to root for. And the man she’s chasing, James (David Haydn-Jones), is the father of a new student in her class. Is that not…professionally if not morally unethical? Conflict of interest? Asking for trouble? A fireable offense? Penny (Miranda Frigon) teaches literally across the hall from her, so even their class raffle ticket sales become contentious, and may I just point out that they teach the SECOND GRADE. Anyway, Hallmark scripts are way too prim and proper to come out and say this, so I will for them: Penny is a real bitch.

I don’t know what’s so great about James, but Christie and Penny both throw themselves at him, and when that doesn’t result in any immediate, clear-cut winner, the bake-off scheme somehow becomes their method of settling things. The only problem is, Penny is a good baker and Christie doesn’t bake at all. She’s got only a couple of days to learn, to develop her own recipes, and to win not one but four different events, each of them judged by Alan Thicke. Or, well, Alan Thicke playing local restaurateur Chef Kroeger, who takes the daintiest bites of cookie you’ve ever seen, and still feels fit to judge the thing based on mere crumbs. A marriage is at stake here, Alan!

The rules of Hallmark clearly state that leading ladies are always fully covered, throat to knees (calves preferred, ankles optional); the clothes are ultra conservative, and usually topped with a cardigan, topped with a Christmas broach. Even Penny plays by these rules, but she does wear (the same) pair of 6 inch heels throughout the movie – yes, even while teaching. Six inch heels are clearly Hallmark for slut. Christie wears heels also, like a good little lady, but hers are at a modest height befitting a marriageable young woman of good breeding and virtue. Added bonus: they’re all the better for dramatically ripping off stupid whore garland from the Christmas tree when it fails to nail down a husband (Hallmark logic!), garland of course being the 6 inch heels of Christmas trees.

A movie like this probably sets feminism back at least a baker’s dozen years, and worse still, it sullies the good name of cookies, which, I assure you, are merely the innocent bystanders of this train wreck.