Category Archives: Jay

A Christmas Story

I will probably watch many Christmas movies over the holiday season, but my favourite, my absolute all-time favourite Christmas classic is A Christmas Story. The Christmas Story. Our Christmas Story.

Because the best thing about this movie is how well it evokes the wonder and the misery of a childhood family holiday. It captures the agony of anticipation to this highlight of “the entire kid year.” Filmed in 1983 but set in the 1940s, I’m far too young (and way too beautiful, may as well throw that in) to remember things quite as old-timey as little Ralphie experiences, but by and large, a lot of the big themes were quite nostalgic for me as well, and probably continue to be today: running around outside, wearing those god-awful snowsuits (to this day I don’t own a parka, or snow boots, because I developed a severe claustrophobic reaction to winter apparel). The kid in every family who won’t eat? My baby sister. Their faulty furnace was our busted sump pump. The demoralizing lineup to sit on Santa’s lap. And we were never treated to the spectacular department store windows unfortunately, but for us it was the Sears Christmas catalogue. Not quite as good as “mechanized, electronic joy” but still pretty drool-worthy.

You will surely remember that Ralphie wants, more than anything in the world, more than anything a boy of 9 had ever wanted before, was a Red Ryder BB gun. Me? I wanted a Barbie horse trailer. I asked for it every year for probably a solid decade, for longer than I even wanted it because it was tradition, and because I had to be getting close! I never got it, but my little sister did. At the time, I probably wished she’d somehow manage to shoot her eye out with it. She’s still got two beautiful blue eyes to this day, the little bitch.

This movie was only a sleeper hit at first but gained huge momentum as it aired on TV over countless Christmas seasons. The writing is just legendary. It’s perfect, and it should be, being based on Jean Shepherd’s successful series first published in Playboy magazine. It reminds me a whole lot of David Sedaris, though I guess I should say Sedaris reminds me of Shepherd.

The fantasy sequences are genius. I was a day-dreamer myself and was probably guilty of the same hyperbolic mental narration thatRalphie indulges in. He’s definitely the hero of his own story. But his father, brilliantly played by DarrenMcGavin, sure gives him a run for his money. Rumour has it that Jack Nicholson wanted the part, but his big salary demands meant the role went to the man who was born to play it.

A Christmas Story major prize - leg lamp

“The soft glow of electric sex”

And for all this magical Christmas spirit, for the pure joy of the soft glow of electric sex gleaming in the window, we have Porky’s to thank. It was Porky’s who put director Bob Clark on the map and allowed him to make the movie he really wanted to make. He shot the house itself in Cleveland Ohio but most other scenes were shot here in Canada – the tree lot right in Toronto, the schoolyard in St. Catherine’s. Peter Billingsley, the young star, knew a career-high when he saw it. Now he teams up with friends Jon Favreau (as a producer for Iron Man) and Vince Vaughn (as director of Couples Resort).

Aren’t you watching it yet? Relive the lusty unwrapping! The crappy Mom gifts (a fly swatter? really?). The present coma. The tinsel vomited all over the tree. The pink bunny suit, for chrissakes.

“He looks like a deranged Easter bunny”

This movie is a classic and respect must be paid. I’m not sure you need to watch the 24 hour marathon, but if you aren’t watching this movie, you aren’t really celebrating Christmas. This movie is filled with all the pitfalls of spending any amount of time with your crazy family, but the closing shot reminds us that this is what Christmas is all about.

What was your all-time favourite Christmas gift? Tell us in the comments! And don’t forget to cast your vote for best Christmas movie in our poll.

White Christmas

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This movie is almost exactly like a great number of other musicals from the same era: a successful song-and-dance duo meet and fall in love with a sister act. But this wasn’t just another musical, this was Bing Crosby in White Christmas, and it became the highest grossing film of 1954, even though it’s “just” a Christmas movie.

The film also puts Rosemary Clooney and Bing Crosby on the screen together, which is a delight. Too bad you can’t hear them together anywhere but in the movie: Clooney’s record company wouldn’t let her on the soundtrack for a competing company, so Peggy Lee replaces her there. She released her own version of the songs, some with her actual sister playing the sister part. Danny Kaye and Vera Ellen round out the cast, though Vera Ellen mysteriously does very little of her own singing. But who cares? You came for Bing Crosby anyway!

As usual, no expense is spared with set and costume. Or, for the numbers anyway – you’ll never see a sorrier excuse for a brick wall during the war bit at the beginning. I loved the tiny little pointe shoes on the tiny little ballerinas. I also loved Crosby’s unsuppressed (and unscripted) laughter during his and Kaye’s “drag” scene.

What I really enjoy about this movie though is the war aspect. We see Crosby doing a Christmas Eve show as a captain in the army. His fan and supporter (Kaye) saves his life, and when the war is over, the two team up and become quite famous performing their act all over the country. But the war is never really far from our consciousness. The plot is propelled by “favours” for old army buddies (well, that, and Kaye deciding that his buddy Bing really needs to get ~~laid~~ married). And when they find their general down on his luck, they rally around him in a touching tribute. This speaks to me because it’s clear that the war theme was still resonating with audiences in 1954.

We’ve of course forgotten the true meaning of White Christmas, the song, but it was beloved and popularized by the boys in the Pacific over a decade earlier, in 1942. Irving Berlin, the composer, realized that the soldiers were truly the ones dreaming of a white Christmas, and so he built this show (and then the movie) around the song. And while the movie has great big production numbers, this song is given a very simple treatment, just Bing accompanied by a wind-up music box, in front of the soldiers who loved it most, on a lonely Christmas Eve.

It’s interesting that during the movie, the characters make reference (through song lyrics) to USO performers going overseas to entertain the troops on Christmas. They sing “Jolsen, Hope and Benny all for free” but the original lyric was “Crosby, Hope and Benny” – obviously a change was necessary to maintain the integrity of the fourth wall – but it’s important to remember that this cause had long been dear to Crosby’s heart.

It’s incredibly touching to me at the end to see all those men in their uniforms saluting their general and all that he stands for. It’s a great representation of the camaraderie and the unconditional support that was birthed in those trenches (while ignoring the horrors of war, true, but this is a Christmas movie after all).

Vote for your favourite all-time Christmas movie in our poll!

Snow Piercer

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An experiment to save the world actually destroys it, sending the world into a deep freeze. The few survivors board a train that constantly whizzes around the globe, smashing through ice and snow, in perpetual motion. The train is strictly divided according to class, with the very rich poshly appointed in the front and the poor kept in dismal conditions in the back until cryptic messages filter through to them, inciting them to rebellion.

Curtis (bushy bearded Chris Evans) is the reluctant leader of the great unwashed in a brutal, gruesome battle toward the front, and the train’s inventor\conductor, Wilford. Wilford sends his minions to do his dirty work, including a nightmarish Tilda Swinton.

I heard about this movie from several sources in late spring of 2014 and looked forward to finding it in theatres, though I never did. Why did such a fascinating movie disappear? It’s because of a little dick named Harvey Weinstein. The Weinstein Company owned the rights but didn’t believe that North American audiences were smart enough to “get” the movie, insisting on a 20-minute slaughter of the film, as well as the addition of opening and closing monologues. To punish director Bong Joon-ho for sticking up for his movie, Weinstein buried the movie. But guess what? We found it, lots of us did, and you can too.

This movie works on many levels – as an allegory, as social commentary, as an action flick, as an intense, thrilling drama. I love how the progress of the underclass from the back of the train to the front is literally transformative, from the darkest quarters, to bright, lush, and sumptuous toward the front, with devastating frosty beauty outside the windows. This film is visionary, but it declares a certain urgency in setting year 0 at 2014. The editing is tight, it keeps the motion pressing forward, keeps the pace brisk and exhilarating (and sometimes terrifying). This is a real trick of cinematography, to use the train’s inherent claustrophobia as an asset, and to use the momentum as a character and not byproduct of the plot. The scenes are literally compartmentalized but they fit together to make a really nice, fluid picture that you’ll enjoy watching, enjoy rewatching, and really enjoy discussing.

The Martian

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In Andy Weir’s sci-fi novel The Martian, astronaut Mark Watney gets accidentally left behind on Mars. You can read my review of the book at Quickie Book Reviews (yes, she reads too!). Weir self-published his book on Amazon and it did so well that a real publisher acquired the rights, and that release did so well that some studio bought the rights to make it into a stupid space movie starring Matt Damon.

Which is all well and good. The book itself is pretty heavy on sciency stuff but I think the overall themes of isolation, preservation, and space panic will translate pretty well on film. And Matt Damon’s got some serious experience being left alone on a planet (although as I recall, that one didn’t go so well). Then yesterday I heard Jessica Chastain was added to the cast, and I instantly worried that this was beginning to feel too much like an Interstellar sequel. Also rumoured to be starring: Kristen Wiig, Kate Mara, Michael Pena, Jeff Daniels, Sean Bean, and Donald Glover. Add director Ridley Scott into the mix and what could go wrong? It’s a super starry mix, all reportedly working for less than their normal fees just to “get this thing made.”

So what do you think? Interested in seeing this one? It’s slated for release November 2015.

Update June 2015: The trailer’s just been released, and people are psyched!

Mr Peabody & Sherman

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The Assholes are too young to feel nostalgic about this movie. I can’t comment on how it stands up to the original stuff, I can only say how I felt about it as a stand-alone movie starring characters that I first heard about in 2014.

I take it that the source material, 4-minute shorts contained as a side piece to the Rocky & Bullwinkle show, was one of the first “ironic” cartoons made for kids. But in 2014, snarkiness is now a fait accompli if an animated movie is going to be have much success at the box office, and by that standard, Mr. Peabody and Sherman is actually quite innocent.

Mr. Peabody (voiced by Ty Burrell) is exceptional. He’s a genius, and an Olympian, a Nobel-Prize recipient, and Harvard know-it-all (he was valeDOGtorian, in fact). Finally he’s found himself an actual challenge: raising his adopted (human) son, Sherman, who mysteriously calls his father Mr. Peabody. We are treated to a little montage of their lives together thus far (set sweetly to John Lennon’s Beautiful Boy). And then launched into plot: Sherman is 7 now, and attending school where he is bullied. He gets into a fight with the bully and bites her. Mr. Peabody is very surprised at this behaviour and learns that the intolerable thing that the bully has accused Sherman of being is – a dog. That little moment is a delight in animation. We can read the hurt on both their faces – the father and his pain at being the thing that his son cannot stand, and the son and his shame for wanting so badly to not be like his father. If only the movie could provide us with more such moments.

Alas, it’s time for the action. And in case you didn’t guess, Mr. Peabody, genius inventor, has a secret time machine that allows him to teach his son about history and the world first-hand. But when left alone with the bully, who just happens to be a cute blonde, nerdy little Sherman tries to win her affection by spilling the secret, and like that, they’re off to Ancient Egypt where complications await them.

It’s basically a sweet film, great for kids, and it’s hard to argue against a talking dog. It’s just that this dog has no bark, and no bite. He’s all bowties and cuddles. Pop this one into the DVD player for the kids, and go have a martini all to yourself.

Scrooged

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If you’ve seen Scrooged then you might know, and if you’ve never seen it you still may have guessed, it’s not a great movie. It’s not bad, but there are better Christmas movies out there. In fact, there are better Dickens-inspired Christmas movies out there. But do you know what this movie has and others do not? Bill Fucking Murray.

The man’s a legend, so any movie he deigns to appear in has immediate cool factor. And in Scrooged, you get 4 Murrays for the price of 1: three of his brothers appear in this movie with him, one playing his brother, and another playing his dad! (The third plays “party guest” – you can’t win em all).

Murray plays the would-be-Jacob-Marley character, and there’s no one better suited to play such a depraved, misanthropic, crotchety role. That’s him at his best. So why then did director Richard Donner muddy it up with gimmicks, forced laughs, and production values that nobody asked for? It feels like Donner didn’t trust his leading man, but this movie would have been a heck of a lot funnier if Murray had been allowed off his leash.

In the holiday mood? Feeling Christmassy? Read Jay’s review of Love Actually here, and be sure to cast your vote for all-time favourite Christmas movie. Expect more Christmas reviews in the days and weeks to come.

Mixed Nuts

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A small group of dedicated counsellors are working a crisis line on Christmas, even though they’re about to get evicted. It features an all-star cast: Steve Martin, Rita Wilson, Madeline Kahn, Adam Sandler, Liev Schreiber, Anthony LaPaglia, Juliette Lewis, Rob Reiner, Joely Fisher, and Garry Shandling. Victor Garber lends a voice, tiny Haley Joel Osment can be spotted, and Jon Stewart and Parker Posey play yuppie rollerbladers who are comparatively not worthy of top-billing.

I watch this movie without fail, every year. Admittedly, this is in part because for the past 7 I have found myself working at a crisis line on Christmas.

Now, the thing that you must understand about this movie is that it is bad. Quite bad. But lovable.

Rita Wilson is a goofball who probably shouldn’t be in movies. She’s way too earnest and tries too hard. She seems to mistake acting for clowning and all her lines are shouted, all her gestures hammy and over the top. But writer\director Nora Ephron had just finished making Sleepless in Seattle with Tom Hanks, and may she owed him one (Wilson is his wife).

But just so that Wilson doesn’t feel left out, the others join in on the sub-par acting. Steve Martin resorts to slap-stick. Adam Sandler does a bit with a ukelele that feels like an SNL sketch just wandered randomly onto the set. Juliette Lewis, never the last to board the crazy train, goes balls-deep in the fruitloop department. She delivers her lines as if she’s reading a book to a group of small, not very brightl children. Maybe they’re all just trying to get noticed? Too many cooks in the kitchen? Tooo many clowns at the circus?

This movie is SO bad that it actually uses a recording of the Jingle Cats doing “We Wish You a Merry Christmas.” Fruitcakes are abundant, both literally and figuratively. Liev Schreiber wears a dress and does a fierce tango in his feature film debut – oh what a career that man could have had! And by the way, who taught Juliette Lewis how to empty a gun?

But to me, all the bad pieces add up to a silly, fun movie, exactly the kind of thing I need in between depressive, suicidal callers when I’m at work early on Christmas morning. Madeline Kahn is perfection, and Rob Reiner, as the straight man, is pretty fun too. And despite the many problems, Nora Ephron is still Nora Ephron, and this movie is full of quotable lines. Is this required Christmas viewing? Certainly not. But if you’ve got a dearth of Christmas cheer, or hours to fill at work over the holidays, then give it a try. You may even find it becoming a Christmas staple.

Don’t forget to vote for your favourite Christmas movie!

Michelle Pfeiffer’s Still Got It

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Have you noticed on the radio lately that Michelle Pfeiffer has mysteriously reappeared into our collective consciousness?

Vance Joy’s song Riptide makes reference to her – “I swear she’s destined for the screen\ Closest thing to Michelle Pfeiffer that you’ve ever seen.” Which I’m guessing is a hipster compliment.

And then Mark Ronson’s song Uptown Funk (featuring Bruno Marks doing all the hard work) does the same –

This hit
That ice cold
Michelle Pfeiffer
That white gold

So what’s with all this Michelle Pfeiffer worshipping? She hasn’t done anything recently, so I’m assuming there’s a nostalgia factor here, but Michelle’s heyday was arguably the late 80s, maybe early 90s. Bruno Mars was BORN in 1985. Vance Joy? 1987, which means they weren’t even ALIVE when Scarface came out. They would have been in diapers for The Fabulous Baker Boys. They were still pre-pubescent for her Catwoman role in Batman Returns, for christsakes! Even Dangerous Minds is “before their time” and she was already sporting Mom jeans by then. Michelle was born in 1958, which makes her 56, and OLDER THAN MY MOM. And I’m not saying she’s not hot, because, hello.

But the truth is, these random song lyrics are the most relevant she’s been in over a decade. She’s probably not hanging on a lot of dorm walls right now, is all I’m saying.

So, internet, what gives?

Frank

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Jon (Domhnall Gleeson) is a slightly dorky guy on a beach, free-associating song lyrics, trying to hit on something that sounds like music. Instead he stumbles upon the scene of a suicide attempt, a raving lunatic being hoisted out of the sea. The hypothermic man is taken away by ambulance, leaving his bandmates scratching their heads around their van – how will they play their show tonight without their keyboardist? But wait! Jon plays keyboards! So he shows up that night to a gig and finds that this group isn’t just some unknown indie band, it’s an ultra-unknown and perhaps unknowable avant-guard indie band that’s lead by Frank (Michael Fassbender), an enigmatic man never seen without his papier-mache head, and Clara (Maggie Gyllenhaal) a super angry woman with bad haircut and a grudge against her theremin.

Back at work the next day, Jon’s life seems even more dull and meaningless than ever. His latest sandwich is the highlight of his twitter feed. So when his phone rings and it’s the band asking him to join them again, he jumps at the chance. Only this time it’s not for a gig, it’s for an indeterminate recording session in a remote cabin in the woods. At first Jon is elated to be part of Frank’s charismatic genius, believing that Frank can summon untapped corners of Jon’s own musical aptitude, but things are not easy with the music or between the band members. Ever the optimist, Jon gamely decides that this experience will substitute for the traumatic childhood he never had, fuelling and giving direction and “theme” to his songwriting.

Or so he thinks.

This movie never does what you expect it to, even after setting up parameters pretty much right away indicating that this is not exactly going to follow a straight and narrow path. It’s quirky and weird but also kind of sombre and introspective. It doesn’t hide behind easy choices, and as a device, the papier-mache head actually seems to unmask people’s true feelings rather than obscure them.

Michael Fassbender gives a surprisingly solid performance from behind his huge head. He plays that aloof, outsider rocker genius thing awfully well (almost as well as Maggie Gyllenhaal does the sour bitch, and that’s saying a lot). But the movie debunks\demystifies the glam-nutbars in a band thing, and Jon is soon learning just what it means to be the only straight one around.

In a World…

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Carol Solomon (Lake Bell) makes a living (more or less) doing voice work and teaching celebrities to perfect their accents. She’d like to break into her father’s business doing voice-over work for movie trailers, but the industry doesn’t want a female voice. But a huge gap has been left by the death of Don LaFontaine (the real-life king of voice-overs) so she finds herself competing against her childish and jealous father, an industry giant, who champions his smug protegé, up-and-comer Gustav, to revive the “In a world…” work.

This film does a lot of things well, but I really enjoyed watching a woman try to break into a male-dominated industry, and witnessing the different things that need to fall into place in order for it to happen. Unfortunately, there’s also a lot of back-stabbing and sabotage that goes on as well, some of it by Carol’s own father, a man who believes that there is no place for women in his workplace (and that things were better off when there weren’t women in any workplace, period).

But this is not some heavy drama about sexism. I mean, first of all, there’s Eva Longoria, as herself, learning how not to sound like “a retarded pirate” (this is her attempt at a Cockney accent). Longoria seems pleasantly game and wins some major not-taking-herself-too-seriously points. Then there’s this: (are you sitting down? you may want to sit down.) DEMITRI MARTIN and NICK OFFERMAN in the same movie. In the same scene! In the same several scenes! I nearly fainted from the awesomeness. They play the good dudes who actually believe in Carol and want to help her succeed.

This movie is Lake Bell’s baby – she wrote it and directed it. She casts this movie like it is her baby, like she knows she has to get everything perfect, and does. She surrounds herself with talent and milks it for every ounce, but she’s no slouch: listen carefully and you’ll hear her own voice-over work sprinkled throughout the film. Girl’s got chops. The script is a lot of fun, there’s a lot of great lines, and great opportunities to showcase herself from every angle.

Watch out for Lake Bell – she’s been popping up in random places over the past few years, but with this effort, she’s truly made herself known.