Star Wars Galaxy’s Edge: Her Universe?

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Yeah yeah, we’re in Disney World, no big deal, you’re tired of hearing it. But guys: we’re here for a LONG time. We’re seeing all the things! And we’re hanging out extra long time in Star Wars Galaxy’s Edge.

Disney built an entire outpost in their Hollywood Studios park – that’s 14 whole acres devoted to recreating a slice of planet Batuu. The deal with building this place was that every single thing that happens inside it is official Star Wars canon. Matt, Sean and I are now officially part of the Star Wars universe. But so are a whole host of surprising things. Like Coke. There’s a lot of thirsty Earthlings visiting Batuu right now, and they like to drink familiar carbonated beverages, so Disney has had to import Coke to a galaxy far, far away, and now that’s canon too. The Coke bottles look like grenades, excuse me, thermal detonators and are labelled in an alien language (Aurebesh), as is nearly everything in Batuu. At $5.49 a bottle, they make for a fun souvenir and amongst the cheapest – as long as you don’t mind being strip-searched and detained for hours in the Orlando airport and missing your flight home. Cause yeah. They look like grenades. Even replica grenades are banned on airplanes and TSA has been very squeamish about these. They immediately called them a no-go but seem to have reversed their decisions, but whether the agents can tell the difference when your checked luggage is another matter. Are you willing to risk it? At any rate, these have proved popular enough that Disney is limited purchases to 3 per guest, to prevent hording.

Galaxy’s Edge will not only look canon, it will sound canon too. Composer John Williams composed a music theme for the park, and there are another 29 original compositions that make up the planet’s ambient music. Over in Oga’s Cantina R-3X the DJ is spinning tracks from his booth but you can check out his playlist on Spotify right now if you like – search for Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge – Oga’s Cantina: R-3X’s Playlist #1. Here’s a little sample of what Disney is calling “A PULSATING GALACTIC-TECHNO REMIX OF A CANTINA CLASSIC.”

Disney is in the habit of being very meticulous about details, so you know even the bathrooms are themed to within an inch of their lives. In fact, they’re not even called bathrooms but ‘refreshers’ while you’re in Galaxy’s Edge. If you pee on Batuu, that’s canon too! I think I’m just going to spend like 80% of my time yelling that at people. Little girl crying over spilled ice cream: “That’s canon!” Matt reapplying sunscreen: “That’s canon!” It probably won’t get old. But if it does: “That’s canon!” The slightly weird thing is: every day at Galaxy’s Edge is the same day. It’s always repeating. So though everything is canon, it’s contained to just a single day in the universe, thus, probably not that consequential. I mean, I can’t say for sure. Introducing the likes of me might just have some monumental effects. If you hate The Rise of Skywalker, it’s probably due to some ripple effect I’ve had from walking around wearing a Millennium Falcon dress. Yeah that’s right: mama don’t mess around. I have a Little Bo Peep dress for Toy Story Land and an Alice In Wonderland dress for Magic Kingdom and an Up dress for Animal Kingdom (those of you with good memories will no doubt remember that I wore an Up dress to meet Dug and Russell when I visited them earlier this year; yes I bought a 2nd Up dress. Sue me! It was necessary!) – in fact I have a park-appropriate dress for all 9 days of our visit, just I did for all 6 days of our previous one. Yes that’s 15 Disney dresses. What, is that weird? It’s not weird. It’s canon!

Anyway, I bought my Star Wars dress from a site called Her Universe, which specializes in all things Fangirl. I have never ever used that word for myself and I never will again, but Ashley Eckstein brilliantly saw a hole in the market for geek stuff for women, and she created an online store to fulfill the need. A couple MORE cool things about Eckstein: 1. all year long, Disney has been releasing special, limited edition mouse ears designed by the likes of Coach, Heidi Klum, Betsey Johnson – and most recently, Eckstein, who put together a Princess Leia pair that I hope hope hope are still available when I get to the park, and 2. Eckstein was already canon because she voices Ahsoka Tano in The Clone Wars. This woman’s got Star Wars squirting out her wazoo and I didn’t even mention when she had her motherfucking wedding reception at Walt Disney World!

So yeah, Galaxy’s Edge is legit. Legitimately legit. You can visit Dok-Ondar’s Den of Antiquities for Jedi or Sith Holocron artifacts should you want them. You can make your way to Mubo’s Droid Depot and assemble your own custom droid. You get to pilot the Millennium Falcon. You can eat fried Endorian Tip-Yip and wash it down with blue milk. A little Batuu lingo: “Bright suns” = hello; “Til the spire” = goodbye. Prices are listed in Galactic Credits, which seem to be roughly (totally) equivalent to USD, which is a shame for us Canadians and our currently underperforming dollar. And if you’ve got 200 spare Galactic Credits you might ask around for some scrap metal. What you are indeed wanting is Savi’s Workshop where you can put together your own freaking light saber, but since light sabers are contraband, let’s keep that on the down-low.

Today we’re building droids and visiting Oga’s Cantina, so hop on over to our Twitter feed (@AssholeMovies) and take a peek, see if anyone’s got a blue milk mustache or a thermal detonator in their handbag. Yeah, that’s right, I just made Twitter canon, bitches!

Don’t forget to play along with our Disney Bingo card!!

Shaft

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I am a member of the Samuel L. Jackson cult. I just think the man is cool. And I thought Shaft was going to be this ultra smooth way of celebrating all that is good about Sam Jackson and all that he contributes to the culture.

Turns out, we should have left Shaft in the past. You can’t drag him into 2019 without updating the character at all, but the screenwriters here were so lazy that they made Shaft, once the paragon of hip and with it, into an old man dangerously out of touch. The movie starts out sexist, runs straight into homophobia, dips into racism, slams into Islamophobia real hard, then circles back into homophobic and sexist grounds again. Shaft is not cool. There is nothing cool about a man who abandons his kid and then, upon their reunion 25 years later, mocks him for smart, employed, and educated.

Shaft’s son Shaft Junior (Jessie T. Usher) uses his friend’s suspicious death as an excuse to reconnect with his deadbeat dad, and the two work the case together, eventually involving Grandpa (Richard Roundtree) for good measure. The first gunfight is cool. The next five are tedious.The three generations look pretty cool strutting around in identical turtlenecks though.

The weird thing is, I didn’t hate the movie (though I have a tendency to overvalue movies I watch on planes). I hate what they did to Shaft. He deserved better. I believe Shaft would have changed with the times. He would have stayed ahead of the curve, in fact. But that’s the worst kind of disappointing: when a movie had potential but was too lazy to fulfill it. What a waste. You had Samuel L. Jackson, guys! This should have been a slam dunk and it’s embarrassing that it wasn’t.

Here you go. Now you don’t have to see the movie.

Top 10 Disney Hunks

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The thing about this list is…yeah, it’s “subjective.” I mean, it’s not, because I have excellent taste, and I’m pretty sure I’ve nailed down a definitive ranking, at least until the next Disney movie is released, so we’re safe for about 17 minutes or so. I just mean that the Disney umbrella is ever-widening. Almost everyone has been in a Disney movie if you’re thirsty enough to look.

10. Prince Eric, The Little Mermaid. I mean, the man’s an idiot, that’s a fact. He’s a total dope and he’s got no game unless a crustacean is whispering in his ear. Hopeless. But with his foppish hair and baby blues (is it just me or is there something a little Jake Gyllenhaal-y about him?), Eric has fuckboi written all over him.

9. Charlie Conway, The Mighty Ducks. Oh man did I have a thing for this guy when I was a kid. I was #TeamPacey before there was a Dawnson’s Creek. I feel a little skeevy macking on a 13 year old, but Joshua Jackson was and is older than I am so I think it’s mostly okay. He was a little bit bad and a little bit broken and even pre-pubescent Jay took one whiff and thought “I can save him with my love!”

8. Aladdin, Aladdin. He’s got hair that’s always in need of a woman to brush it out of his eyes, soulful eyes, and a chest so smooth it doesn’t even have nipples. Plus you gotta love a guy with ambition.

7. Thor, Ragnarok. I wasn’t really on the Thor train until he got a haircut in Ragnarok. He’s strong and fearless and all-powerful, but he’s not afraid to be vulnerable. He’s a team player, quick witted, and always good for a laugh. Plus he’s got those Chris Hemsworth twinkly eyes.

6. Maui, Moana. I confess, I’ve always had a thing for confident men. Big, strong, confident men? Oh yes. Add tattoos on top of that? Nothing better, and that’s before he cocks that eyebrow at me.

5.Finn, Star Wars. Finn’s a hard worker who knows how to defuse a situation and lighten it. But what you really have to love about the character portrayed by John Boyega is how sensitive he is: originally a Storm Trooper, Finn rejects the First Order’s cruelty. He doesn’t blindly follow orders. When Kylo Ren orders a senseless massacre, Finn lowers his weapon. That’s courage. That’s sexy.

4.Ant-Man, Ant-Man. You know by now I’m a sucker for funny men, and if they look like Paul Rudd then I’m done. Just done. I may as well wear tear-away clothes because why even fuck with the slight resistance provided by buttons? They’re useless against charm like his. Those crinkly eye wrinkles when he smiles, his goofball personality, his aw-shucks attitude. Done. Donner than a charred piece of meat.

3.Poe Dameron, Star Wars. He’s the best pilot in the galaxy but still has time for his best pal, BB-8, which makes him, galactically speaking, as irresistible as a man and his dog. He’s a straight-shooter, very honest, very loyal. But he’s got that Oscar Isaac swagger. And he’s maybe just a little hot-headed, a little rakish, a bit of a bad boy, the I’m just genetically predisposed to want.

2. Tadashi Hamada, Big Hero 6. Older brother to Hiro and creator of Baymax, Tadashi is super smart, and better yet, he wants to use his invention to help people. Since he and his brother are orphaned, Tadashi, very mature for his age, has become a father figure to his younger brother. He later achieves hero status when he runs into a burning building to help someone else. But to last a top spot on this list, you know he’s just a cutie pie who I can easily imagine crushing on when I was in University. He’d probably come to class in a baseball cap and a wrinkly tshirt and look all rumpled and adorable and I’d fail to take notes while fantasizing about our future children.

Li Shang, Mulan. Sure he’s competent and thoughtful and has plenty of wonderful qualities – yawn. What’s important here is that he’s hot. Captain Hottie McHotterson. He works out topless for a lot of the movie, or at least that’s what my loins remember of watching the movie a little too closely as a kid. Did his chest even glisten? I bet he has a musky man scent. I bet his big strong arms could wrap you up and make you feel like there isn’t an army hot on your heels aching to devour you. Plus he’s obviously a feminist!

While I was down this awkward rabbit hole of thicc Disney sex gods, I came across some beautiful portraits by artist David Kawena – take a look at these and then try to watch a Disney movie without blushing. I dare you.

Disney Bingo

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Matt, Sean and I are on our way to Disney World where you can expect to see our goofy smiling faces from Toy Story Land, Pandora, Galaxy’s Edge, and more. There will be loads of Disney coverage here and on Twitter @AssholeMovies and just so you don’t miss us TOO much, you can play along with this Disney Bingo card. Once you score a Bingo, leave us a comment and you’ll be entered to win a prize pack.

Holiday In The Wild

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Kate (Kristin Davis) hasn’t even completed the full arc of her arm as she waves goodbye to her son as he leaves for college when her husband drops the bomb: he’s leaving. She’d had visions of reconnecting – she’d even planned a second honeymoon. So she sucks it up and goes on the trip by herself, to Africa. She intends to go to a 5-star safari resort but gets sidetracked along the way by an orphaned baby elephant in need of saving. She winds up at an elephant sanctuary where she meets handsome pilot Derek (Rob Lowe). She falls in love with the elephants rather than the guy, and her vacation turns into rather an extended stay. It’s like Under the Tuscan Sun, only with pachyderms rather than wine. Sorry, I just used pachyderm rather cavalierly just to avoid saying elephants too often. And now I’ve gone and said it again.

Aaaaand I’m back from a Google search which revealed that pachyderm is an obsolete order of very large mammals with thick skin, especially an elephant, rhinoceros, or hippopotamus. Sorry, that would have kept me up all night.

What was I saying? Oh right, Netflix’s most recent romance. It is in no way a good movie but if you’re in the mood for extremely light, fairly cheesy stuff, here ya go. What a time to be alive. Kristin Davis does the one and only thing she ever does on camera, and Rob Lowe does his charming thing and that’s fine too. I suppose it’s a benign little film that grooves on self-discovery and pursuing one’s passions rather than romantic interests (because hobbies never leave you).

To Netflix’s credit, they actually filmed in Africa, which gives them film some authentic flavour. The elephant scenes were filmed at a sanctuary in South Africa and at Game Rangers International Elephant Orphanage in Zambia. But to keep the elephants safe, very large, very convincing puppets were sometimes used. In real life, Kristin Davis walks the talk and has worked with the orphan elephant rescue and rehabilitation program, Sheldrick Wildlife Trust, bringing attention to conservation issues and the illegal ivory trade. I’m sure Rob Lowe is also pro-elephant, though he may have been into this mostly for the chance to work for his son, who played Davis’ college-bound son.

If any of this sounds interesting to you, it’s available forthwith at a Netflix near you – be warned though, it’s not technically a Christmas movie but it’s also not not a Christmas movie.

The King

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In the early 15th century, Timothee Chalamet had a mushroom cut. One of my sisters had a mushroom cut. This was in the late 20th century of course. She was 5 or 6 at the time. I believe that haircut haunts her to this day but the truth is, it was adorable. All the way, fully 100% adorable and I am exceedingly confident each and every one of you would agree. I would post a picture just to prove it if I thought for a second I’d live to hit publish another day.

Anyyyyyway. Hal (Chalamet) is a young cad about town. Technically he’s the prince of England, but like anyone with a modicum of sanity, he doesn’t think being King sounds like much fun and so he plans to reject the crown. But then his daddy dies and so does his brother and shit just basically conspires against him and boom bang bing, he’s King Henry V. Little King Henry is determined to distinguish himself from his father, largely thought to have brought a lot of trouble to his kingdom, yet he rather quickly ends up at war with France.

I’ve gone and said quickly but Robert Pattinson, who plays the Dauphin of France, does not appear on screen for about 1 hour and 14 minutes. I wasn’t counting, I swear. You’ll know him by his rousing “Big balls, small cock” speech. Yeah, they left that one out of history books for some reason.

Timothee Chalamet puts forth a very impressive performance, calling on the entire range of human emotion, which is likely both historically inaccurate and behaviour unbecoming of a monarch. The point is, he’s very good. I’m about to say he’s even the only good thing about the movie. You’ll disagree of course, feel free to do so, but I thought it was a real chore. Dark and dank – what, you think a movie can’t be dank? You’re calling me out on this? Determined to humiliate me even though I’m just trying to say this movie is damp and smells vaguely of mildew? Fine – dark and disagreeable, The King is not a pleasant experience. It’s also quite boring. One time a couple of underdeveloped princes wrestle, but they quickly got out of breath, mostly because they were each wearing like 60 lbs of armour, which kind of makes their attempt to kill each other seem less than genuine. Anyway, I’m just saying it would have been better had they been naked.

The King reminded me a lot of Outlaw King, only without all the horse murder. Haha, jkjkjk, horses definitely die. Netflix clearly believes we’ll only start taking them seriously if they make historical, horse murdery crap that nobody actually wants to watch. Give me another season of Nailed It! over this shite any day.

Friday Fuckfest: Tom Hardy Edition

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Sure he’s charitable and talented and engaged, but there are really only 3 things you need to know about Tom Hardy:

The man can wear a suit.
He’s coverd in tattoos.
He loves dogs.

Is he the perfect man? I don’t know: is he also smart and funny and loves to rub my feet? Probably not. Not everyone can be a Sean Taylor. But sometimes being Tom Hardy is close enough.

Jumanji (1995)

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Sean thought Jumanji was just the movie for viewing on Halloween night. Sean had fond memories of having watched it repeatedly in childhood, whereas I hadn’t seen it at all, but understood it to be a film marketed towards children. In fact, it is a little spooky and a little scary.

In 1969, a little kid named Alan Parrish finds an old board game buried deep in a construction pit and ropes his friend Sarah into a game. The game, Jumanji, is more than they bargained for. The board game claims Alan, sucks him right up, and he’s never seen again.

Cut to: 1995. Judy (Kristen Dunst) and little brother Peter (Bradley Pierce) move into what used to be the Parrish family home, which as been abandoned since Alan vanished and his parents left heartbroken. Jumanji still sits in the home’s attic, where it soon calls to them. They start playing, which once again unleashes the beast, but does have one small bonus: Alan pops back out of the game, now a fully grown man (Robin Williams), after having spent some 26 years fending for himself in what I believe he describes as both “a jungle” and “hell.” But he hardly has time to reflect because the game must be finished, which means Sarah (Bonnie Hunt) must be tracked down, and horrible creatures and terrible catastrophes must be survived because every roll is a different kind of doom.

Having seen only the 2017 reboot starring The Rock, I didn’t realize that this movie wouldn’t bring us inside the game, rather the game would escape into 1995: flash floods, angry lions, quicksand, spiders the size of basketballs. It’s actually disappointing that we just gloss over Alan’s 26 years of board game purgatory because he certainly insinuates that shit. went. down. And it feels like there might be an interesting story about innocence lost and the good of the group vs. the good of the individual – there’s stuff to be mined if only we had time between elephant stampedes. And of course it’s hard for 2019 eyes to watch 1995’s CGI, which more or less looks like someone cut pictures of monkeys out of a National Geographic magazine, drew silly faces on them, and called it special effects.

Anyway, I’m pretty jazzed to have seen this one if only to give context to a future rewatch of 2017’s Welcome To The Jungle (and 2019’s sequel). Is that a sad thing to say? Sean says that we actually see Alan’s treehouse in the 2017 film, and that might actually mean something to me now that I know who the heck Alan is. Of course it also makes me wonder what 2017 Alan is up to. We know that in 1969, young Alan and Sarah chuck the game, weighted, into a river. Which is dumb. That game is evil and needs to be destroyed. We also know from the end of that movie that of course Jumanji washes up on a shore somewhere and is discovered by two little French girls. However, the 2017 iteration contradicts this: it tells us that in 1996, Alex Vreeke’s father found the game washed up on the beach in the same New Hampshire town. Alex isn’t over taken by the game but when it magically turns into a video game cartridge, he loads it up and gets sucked inside. He basically pulls a 20 year vanishing act, just as Alan had done. At the end of original Jumanji, Alan is alive and well in 1995 and still living in New Hampshire, so I have some questions:

How did the French girls find the game in 1969 or soon after, play it or not play it, then throw it back into the ocean…only to wash up in the exact same New Hampshire town from which it originated?
How does grown up 1995 Alan hear about Alex’s vanishing and not put two and two together? Or Sarah for that matter, who lived through his 26 years of disappearance being called delusional for her insistence that he’d been drawn into a board game?
And where is Alan in 2017 for that matter? I realize that Robin Williams is dead so a cameo is more or less impossible, but it would have been nice.

Anyway, it seems the 2017 movie managed to weave in some interesting elements from the first movie, references I may actually catch now that I know about them, which is kind of the catch with references.

Which is not to say the 1995 movie is trash. It was obviously loved enough to spawn a sequel 20 years after the fact. Robin Williams is always a joy to watch, even if it takes a third of the movie before he’s actually on screen. Jonathan Hyde plays both Alan’s father and Jumanji’s main bad guy, Van Pelt – “that’s symbolism,” Sean tells me. And he’s not wrong.

Hocus Pocus (1993)

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Q: How many witches were hanged in Salem?

A: The official death count for the Salem Witch Trials is 20 people: 19 victims were hanged at Proctor’s Ledge, near Gallows hill, and one person was tortured to death. Four people also died in prison while awaiting trial. But ZERO of them were witches – they were just socially inconvenient women put to death for some man’s ulterior motive.

Except.

Except 300 years ago, the Sanderson sisters were hanged in Salem for practicing witchcraft, and they actually deserved it. Winifred (Bette Midler), Sarah (Sarah Jessica Parker), and Mary (Kathy Najimy) are a trio of old hags who kidnapped a little girl to suck the youth right out of her, and then turned her would-be hero older brother into a cat for daring to interrupt. And that’s just the stuff we know about. They were soon dangling from the gallows.

Alternate A: If you count the Sandersons, and we definitely do, Salem’s dead witch count is actually 3. And the townsfolk are definitely aware of their legend, even 3 centuries later. And it turns out those witches were never very far off: a group of kids including new-to-town Max (Omri Katz), his kid sister Dani (Thora Birch), and the girl he’s crushing on who’s “really into witches” Allison (Vinessa Shaw), accidentally call them back when a virgin lights a black flame candle (so don’t say I didn’t warn you). Anyway, the witches immediately want to eat Dani and it takes an immortal talking cat to offer up pro tips for defeating witches.

For some reason this movie has achieved cult Halloween status, and as one of the few films in the genre that isn’t horrifying, it makes for nice, family-friendly fare. I say this like I can’t understand the appeal when in fact as a kid, I loved it too. One year my cousin and I made our own Sanderson Sister costumes (and yeah, it’s problematic that there were only two of us, but since we both probably imagined ourselves to be the ‘sexy one’, it hardly mattered) and we were really proud to wear them, up until some well-meaning lady complimented my cousin’s teeth…who was not wearing prosthetics. It is hands-down the worst thing that ever happened to me on Halloween and I once had the candy ripped from my little hands by teenage bullies. And technically it didn’t even happen to me! But anyway, up to that point we were really smug and self-satisfied young witches with probably embarrassing handmade costumes.

Anyway, Disney World makes great use of Halloween time to break the Sanderson Sisters out of the vault. Not normally seen in the parks, they host the Villain Spectacular at Mickey’s Not So Scary Halloween Party (other rarely-seen characters that also make an appearance for Halloween: Jack & Sally, Elvis Stitch, Cruella De Vil and more). We Assholes are actually headed for Disney on Saturday and November 2nd just happens to be the magical day when the parks erase Halloween and embrace Christmas, and yes, we’re going to Mickey’s Very Merry Christmas Party and Sandy Claws only knows who we’ll meet there.

Fun Facts about Hocus Pocus:

Brother and sister Garry and Penny Marshall play husband and wife in the film. The dog held by Garry actually belongs to Kathy Najimy.
The animatronic cat was used again on Sabrina The Teenage Witch.
Rosie O’Donnell turned down the role of Mary. Jennifer Lopez auditioned for Sarah. Leonardo DiCaprio turned down the role of Max and did What’s Eating Gilbert Grape instead.
Doug Jones, as in Shape of Water Doug Jones, appears in this film as a zombie (see below).
This movie came out in July of 1993 so that it would not compete with Disney’s other Halloween offering that year, The Nightmare Before Christmas, which got the coveted October slot.
Real moths came out of Doug Jones’ mouth. Sarah Jessica Parker ate a real spider.
While researching her family history for the show Who Do You Think You Are?, Sarah Jessica Parker discovered that her 10th great-grandmother, Esther Elwell, was arrested in Salem in the late 1600s for committing “sundry acts of witchcraft” and choking a neighbour to death. Esther’s case never went to court; she escaped with her life and the accusation ended the Salem Witch Trials.

Stuber

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Stu is an uber driver and a retail schlep who’s madly and secretly in love with his best friend, a woman totally oblivious as she dates asshole after asshole. Stu (Kumail Nanjiani) is spending yet another night driving in order to make extra money to fund his best friend’s dreams and get her to notice him, once and for all. Unfortunately, it’s officer Vic who notices him, and his night’s about to get a whole lot worse.

Vic (Dave Bautista) is a police officer with a weird back story: 1. his partner was killed on a drug bust and he’s been obsessed with getting revenge ever since 2. he recently had lasik eye surgery. So, thanks to that convenient little plot detail, Vic is practically blind when the biggest drug deal of the year is about to go down, and for some reason he MUST act on it, independently of the police force of course, and he commandeers poor Stu and his silent but deadly electric car for a whole night’s worth of mayhem. Even tougher to digest: Stu is so obsessed with 5-star ratings that he goes along with it. So preoccupied with his uber rating that he’ll risk life and livelihood to follow Vic into situations where even Vic should not be. And Vic is the kind of prick who continually threatens a poor rating to coerce an unarmed civilian to provide back-up on an unsanctioned mission.

I’m not the biggest Dave Bautista fan, or indeed a fan of anyone coming out of the Dwayne Johnson School of Acting, though I’ll take Bautista over Cena any day (but ideally neither, ever). Bautista does little to make the material work but I’m not even sure I can blame him for the movie’s many problems. He and Nanjiani actually have some pretty decent chemistry, in the old buddy tradition of opposites attract. Nanjiani is, of course, the reason to see this movie. All the movie’s laughs, and there are a surprising number, are because of him. He works even harder than his overworked character Stu to deliver us a pleasant film-going experience, and while I’m glad I didn’t pay to see this in theatres, I think it’s a decent at-home watch if you’re in the mood for a mindless comedy. And I do insist on the mindless part because no, that plot don’t make no sense. But if you’re in the mood for a violent, R-rated comedy that makes John Woo AND and Johnny Cash references (and really, who’s not?), then boy have I got a film to fill that very narrow niche.