Tomb Raider

Lara Croft is the tough and independent daughter of a wealthy adventurer who disappeared 7 years ago and is presumed dead. So when she learns his secret obsession with an ancient Japanese myth, she pursues him to the unknown island that seems to have swallowed him whole. It seems like a really bad decision to follow in the footsteps of a dead man, but Lara (Alicia Vikander) doesn’t just put her life on the line, she involves an innocent stranger too (Daniel Wu), just as her father did. So if you’re wondering who the Croft family is, they appear to be in it solely for themselves, and fuck every body else.

So Lara makes her way to this evil island where she meets up with a bad man named Mathias (Walter Goggins) and things go from merely murdery to a whole shit tonne MV5BMTBjZDBiNGEtYjhlMC00YmM1LThmZWEtOWE1ZjhhMDg5MDEzXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyODAyMDA1MDk@._V1_of worse.  And even though she’s been violently shipwrecked and then hunted, actually hunted on an island that seems intent on killing her, she somehow maintains a perfectly shaped brow and stubble-free armpits, which are constantly on display thanks to a skimpy outfit that seems particularly ill-advised when visiting malaria-infested countries. So while Lara may be about to out-box me, I’ll still take the victory because I packed the DEET. Though I suppose I should concede that the Vikander version of Lara is slightly more grounded and slightly less lustily rendered on the screen than was Angelina Jolie.

Tomb Raider is fine, I guess, except for some painful green screen moments that are ENTIRELY unconvincing. And the fact that it’s boring as shit to watch someone solve a puzzle when the puzzle is never shown or known to us. It’s just a lot of knob twisting. Vikander is tough as balls but the story is uninspired and makes no arguments for its own existence. This franchise didn’t need a reboot and it got a rather lacklustre one, despite Vikander’s charm.


18 thoughts on “Tomb Raider

  1. renxkyoko

    The video game Tomb Raider franchise is awesome , though. One of my favorites….. I guess this particular movie is based on the latest Tomb Raider game, based in Japan. ( are there samurais in the movie???? )


  2. J.

    Walton Goggins is a real favourite of mine and to see him in this is truly baffling. Obviously great to see him in a considerable role in a big cinema flick, but why does it have to be this shit?


    1. Jay Post author

      Yes. I think it would have been better if they hadn’t needed to be Lara Croft and just let Vikander be a new, fierce character.


    1. Widdershins

      I sincerely apologise for that last phrase. I have not had my first cuppa yet, let alone my third. 🙂 … I suspect ‘rose’ may actually be ‘never’, but I can’t be sure. 😀

      Liked by 1 person

  3. fragglerocking

    I liked the very first Tomb Raider, it was tongue-in-cheek, quite spectacular, and Jolie WAS Lara from the game. Didn’t like the sequels, and this doesn’t make me want to do any more. One was enough really.


  4. Divorce With Me

    Uninspiring. Lara Croft’s not a female action hero that even makes me think twice. Seems like a teenaged boy’s fantasy of what one should be and we are supposed to gobble it up. Nope. Jolie never did it for me. This one won’t convince me either. Lol



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